i know i've been MIA lately... and i will be for a while longer. i'm not sure how long. i'm not ready to go into detail yet, but i've been in the hospital for a little while, and now i'm going into an outpatient program.
physically i'm fine. no worries there. i'm not dying or anything like that.
i'll fill you all in when i'm up to it... right now battling with my HMO about getting them to authorize stuff is taking up all my energy.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Monday, January 03, 2005
alive and well... mostly anyway.
okay. so i'm alive still. and i'm well, for the most part anywho. the sore throat and cough are still with me, but i'm told those will linger a bit. i'm not all here mentally, but then, thats not really a new thing... its just slightly exacerbated by the headache created by the neverending cough from hell. ah yes, i am well enough to complain coherrently, therefore my complaints should justly be ignored and laughed at by those of you who realize just how whiny i'm really being.
i think i should be allowed to be whiny however. i have had just about the worst holiday ever. i mean, not in the history of history or anything, but the worst in my personal history at least.
i was right about how going on that NY trip was a bad idea. oh was i right. it started at 5 in the morning on the 22nd of dec, waking up and trying to drag myself and my son into my father's SUV with our luggage [i say luggage... most of you would look at it and wonder if we were even going somewhere overnight, let alone for a week... "luggage" for two people was one small suitcase -- carry on size, one backpack, and one messenger bag]. my son did quite well, what with not really being awake yet and all, it was me who was having the problem. i am not, i repeat NOT a morning person. and when morning comes before the sun does... i have serious issues. but, well, there wasnt really anything to be done about that, except grin and bear it, which i did, admirably despite the fact i was facing 9 hours without a cigarette in highly stressful environs.
highly stressful. HAH. that is the understatement of the year. overbooked flight, on which they decided to move my seat without consulting me so that i was no longer seated next to my 5 year old. um... I DONT FUKKING THINK SO. my 5 yr old is NOT sitting alone on a plane. so we had to fix THAT. which meant that we were like the last people to board the plane. just about anyway. which meant that the flight attendant had to kick people's stuff out of the overhead bin [dont know why people insist on putting their lame ass sweaters in the overhead bins when the flight is overbooked and there isnt enough room for all the damned luggage, but they do. idjits.] so i could put the small, yet surprisingly heavy, suitcase up there [no, it doesnt fit under the seat... blah]. of course, in the process of doing that i wrenched something in my back... that thing was REALLY heavy! soooooo... the flight was overbooked not just with people... but with screaming bratty little toddler types. now, i'm a mom, yes. i have a kid, yes. hes little, yes. but he has never, and i mean NEVER, been anything but the perfect traveller. his favorite thing to do on the plane? read the safety card thing from the seat back pocket. he doesnt scream. he doesnt cry. he doesnt make a fuss. he doesnt complain that he's bored. he only gets up when he has to "potty". he doesnt bother the people sitting next to us. in fact, hes such a good traveller that people are very often surprised to find out that he's been sitting behind them for 6 hours. so surprised that they SAY SO to me.
surprised plane passenger: "has he been back there the entire time??"
what i want to say: "no, he only got onboard about 3/4 the way through the flight -- of COURSE he has... here's your sign!"
what i actually say: "yep."
surprised plane passenger: "wow, i didnt even realize. hes so quiet!"
what i want to say: "no shit, or you wouldnt have asked if he was back there the entire time"
what i actually say: "yeah, hes a great traveller"
but yeah... so back to other people's demon spawn *ahem* i mean brats *cough cough* sorry, i mean kids. there was a veritable army of these screaming crying stinky obnoxious rude LOUD *ahem* --children-- on the plane. and none of their parents showed any capability of keeping them under control. i can only assume that these werent actually parents, but merely the visage of parents so as to allow the demons *ahem* i mean --kids-- to travel unhindered. and as i was stuck in the very last row of the plane... [you know, the one right next to the built in port-o-potty they call a "lavatory"] i got to experience the joys of interacting with them ALL on numerous occasions throughout the flight. i was kicked... touched with gooey fingers... stared at inquisitively... called a stupid head... and had the presence of my laptop thoroughly questioned by some bratty kid who could NOT fathom the idea that someone other than her father could POSSIBLY own a computer. by that point i just about screamed. and then there was the guy who spoke only german, who couldnt seem to keep ahold of his 3 year old, and kept hollering up and down the aisles in german for her to come back... this looked like a harmless game to anyone who didnt speak german... but for me... who understands a fair amount... well lets just say i saw it for what it was. a father's gross ineptitude to manage his child. the translation worked out to be approximately: "isabella... come here please? please come sit down? isabella? where did you go? please come sit with your mother... please?" ack. theres nothing that turns my stomach worse than a 6'6" 35 year old man beggging a 2.something foot tall 3 year old for her obeyance. i nearly grabbed him and told him to grow some balls and TELL her to come here now or he was gonna tan her hide. i mean, its not like anyone would have understood except for me, him, and the kid...
and then there was the turbulence. oy. have i ever mentioned that i get motion sick? no? oh... well i do. and there was turbulence. [i turned green, but controlled myself remarkably well. congratulate me.]
so we finally get to NY, and i finally get to have a smoke, and not only is there no snow, but its RAINING. well heck. but fine.
my grandparents house was just the same as always... except they re-did their driveway, but i didnt even notice it until they pointed it out...course, by that point i was starving cuz you know they dont actually feed you on planes... they just give you cardboard that looks like food... but yeah. my nana went all out for us kids... antipasto, roasted sausage onions peppers and potatoes, pasta and sauce... mmmmmmmmmmmm heaven. omg you have NOT eaten til you've had my nana's cooking. and i say this, me, who can cook better than oh, half the planet. [okay, maybe not half the planet. maybe more like three fourths the planet. lol kidding. really. but i am an awesome cook given half the chance.]
but thats where the good times stopped. the next day i hurt [thank you overheavy luggage in the overhead bin, and dragging it through two entire airports] and i felt like crap... so i stayed curled up in my grandparents tv room while everyone else went and got stuck in a flooded parkway for 3 hours on a trip to see my aunt. i'm glad i stayed put.
then xmas eve was a huge debaucle. my aunt... or rather i should say my older aunt... had a gigantic party at her house. we all went of course... but i didnt know 3/4 the people there because they were all relatives and friends of her boyfriend... who is a royal jerk. i met the guy for the first time while i was standing in my aunt's driveway smoking, respectfully a ways away from the house and any persons who might be offended by the smoke... when he drives up... and hollers at me from 20 feet away: "i'm John"
so i'm like: "i'm tess"
and he's all: "these are my slippers, not my shoes..."
[as if i care] i say: "they look warm"
upon our formal introduction, he says: "smoking's bad for you ya know"
no REALLY? i have NEVER heard that before! i mean... WOW! if only i had known that before i started... gee... thanks for telling me, i'm gonna quit right this second! *storms off in a mad fit*...
*storms back still in a mad fit* the NERVE of some people. i mean, i didnt comment on his crappy parking, or warn him that walking around outside in his PJ's is liable to get him the flu, or anything like that... who the hell is he to jump in and tell me anything about my health, or lack thereof? especially when he's known me all of oh, 30 fucking seconds. what a dipshit. and every single conversation i have with the guy after that revolves around how smoking is so bad for me and i need to quit. what the hell? i mean jeez... cant a girl go into the kitchen to grab a soda without her bad habits being rammed down her throat? apparently not around this dude. cuz he started in on me again, about how its my new years resolution to quit... when it is no such thing. i really really wanted to tell him to lay off about my bad habits since i'm not throwing his in his face... oh and whats his bad habit? RUBBING OTHER PEOPLE'S BAD HABITS IN THEIR FACES! yeah. um. i think everyone is happy i didnt say that... but it took a lot of will power to keep my mouth shut... especially after that cosmo that my dad made me. i swear my father tried to get me drunk in one drink. bleh. it was not my night.
xmas itself wasnt much better... another party, at another aunts house, with her sick 4 year old, and more people that i really dont know so well at all. i had too much wine on an empty stomach and ended up falling asleep on her couch. heh. tess the drunk. eh. at least the food was good.
the day after xmas... was just wrong all around. fights with my dad over plans that got messed up somehow... trip to the Met was cool... me and my sis wandered around by ourselves and saw all the cool stuff we wanted to see -- the china exhibit, the frank lloyd wright exhibit, the tiffany exibit, the french art deco exhibit -- without having to worry too much about kidlets cuz they took off with my dad... but after that, as mentioned earlier, we were taken on a bit of a hike through the city to see my dad's old highschool... just the outside... um. yeah. in the snow. i froze. i started coughing. my back started aching so bad i couldnt stand up straight. i got dizzy. and i couldnt get warm again once we got home. i lost my appetite almost completely, but forced myself to eat.
before going to bed, i checked my email... i shouldnt have. i got an email from "my" boy... saying that his mom was in the hospital again, and he wasnt going to come see me... and a lot of other stuff that basically amounted to a break up letter. needless to say i lost it... i mean... hyperventilating, tears, walking around aimlessly type of stuff... my sister didnt know what to do i think... she kept trying to make me laugh... but that just made it worse. because it wasnt my fault. it wasnt that he didnt like me, or didnt want me, it was that he DID... but because of all sorts of other shit going on, he couldnt handle it. he couldnt handle the idea of maybe possibly being happy. he didnt/doesnt think he deserves to be happy. he blames himself for all the shit going on... and in the process of being self destructive, he ended up destroying me too. i couldnt stop crying. i literally could not stop.
i couldnt sleep either... and ended up collapsing in a heap in bed shivering and shaking because apparently i had a fever of 104 and didnt realize it cuz i was so upset. i woke up shaking so bad that i could barely get out of bed fast enough to make it to the bathroom to throw up the last of whatever green thing i had eaten the night before... then i stumbled out to the kitchen to find ... i dont know what. i think i was delirious. oh right... something to drink so i could take some advil... then i basically crawled into the tv room and lived there for the next day or so. i couldnt move. i couldnt eat. i was dehydrated and delusional, hearing things that werent there, seeing things that werent there... and then i had to get up at 3am the next morning to get on a plane...
there really is nothing worse than having to endure a plane flight while suffering from a 103.5/104 fever... really.
and that... that was my "vacation" in new york. wow. um. i think i need a vacation after that vacation... oh right. i got one. i spent it on my couch. well some more stuff happened during those... 5 days? no... 7 days? [hell i dont even remember how long it was... lesse... 28th to the 2nd... yeah. 7 days.] anyway... i'll fill y'all in on that tomorrow cuz i've just spent my entire afternoon writing this. [yeah. way to make a fresh start at work huh?]
oh... made an appt with a shrink for tomorrow night after work... i figured its about time i go back on meds. i'm not dealing. i'm not handling. i'm not keeping it together. but we'll see.
i think i should be allowed to be whiny however. i have had just about the worst holiday ever. i mean, not in the history of history or anything, but the worst in my personal history at least.
i was right about how going on that NY trip was a bad idea. oh was i right. it started at 5 in the morning on the 22nd of dec, waking up and trying to drag myself and my son into my father's SUV with our luggage [i say luggage... most of you would look at it and wonder if we were even going somewhere overnight, let alone for a week... "luggage" for two people was one small suitcase -- carry on size, one backpack, and one messenger bag]. my son did quite well, what with not really being awake yet and all, it was me who was having the problem. i am not, i repeat NOT a morning person. and when morning comes before the sun does... i have serious issues. but, well, there wasnt really anything to be done about that, except grin and bear it, which i did, admirably despite the fact i was facing 9 hours without a cigarette in highly stressful environs.
highly stressful. HAH. that is the understatement of the year. overbooked flight, on which they decided to move my seat without consulting me so that i was no longer seated next to my 5 year old. um... I DONT FUKKING THINK SO. my 5 yr old is NOT sitting alone on a plane. so we had to fix THAT. which meant that we were like the last people to board the plane. just about anyway. which meant that the flight attendant had to kick people's stuff out of the overhead bin [dont know why people insist on putting their lame ass sweaters in the overhead bins when the flight is overbooked and there isnt enough room for all the damned luggage, but they do. idjits.] so i could put the small, yet surprisingly heavy, suitcase up there [no, it doesnt fit under the seat... blah]. of course, in the process of doing that i wrenched something in my back... that thing was REALLY heavy! soooooo... the flight was overbooked not just with people... but with screaming bratty little toddler types. now, i'm a mom, yes. i have a kid, yes. hes little, yes. but he has never, and i mean NEVER, been anything but the perfect traveller. his favorite thing to do on the plane? read the safety card thing from the seat back pocket. he doesnt scream. he doesnt cry. he doesnt make a fuss. he doesnt complain that he's bored. he only gets up when he has to "potty". he doesnt bother the people sitting next to us. in fact, hes such a good traveller that people are very often surprised to find out that he's been sitting behind them for 6 hours. so surprised that they SAY SO to me.
surprised plane passenger: "has he been back there the entire time??"
what i want to say: "no, he only got onboard about 3/4 the way through the flight -- of COURSE he has... here's your sign!"
what i actually say: "yep."
surprised plane passenger: "wow, i didnt even realize. hes so quiet!"
what i want to say: "no shit, or you wouldnt have asked if he was back there the entire time"
what i actually say: "yeah, hes a great traveller"
but yeah... so back to other people's demon spawn *ahem* i mean brats *cough cough* sorry, i mean kids. there was a veritable army of these screaming crying stinky obnoxious rude LOUD *ahem* --children-- on the plane. and none of their parents showed any capability of keeping them under control. i can only assume that these werent actually parents, but merely the visage of parents so as to allow the demons *ahem* i mean --kids-- to travel unhindered. and as i was stuck in the very last row of the plane... [you know, the one right next to the built in port-o-potty they call a "lavatory"] i got to experience the joys of interacting with them ALL on numerous occasions throughout the flight. i was kicked... touched with gooey fingers... stared at inquisitively... called a stupid head... and had the presence of my laptop thoroughly questioned by some bratty kid who could NOT fathom the idea that someone other than her father could POSSIBLY own a computer. by that point i just about screamed. and then there was the guy who spoke only german, who couldnt seem to keep ahold of his 3 year old, and kept hollering up and down the aisles in german for her to come back... this looked like a harmless game to anyone who didnt speak german... but for me... who understands a fair amount... well lets just say i saw it for what it was. a father's gross ineptitude to manage his child. the translation worked out to be approximately: "isabella... come here please? please come sit down? isabella? where did you go? please come sit with your mother... please?" ack. theres nothing that turns my stomach worse than a 6'6" 35 year old man beggging a 2.something foot tall 3 year old for her obeyance. i nearly grabbed him and told him to grow some balls and TELL her to come here now or he was gonna tan her hide. i mean, its not like anyone would have understood except for me, him, and the kid...
and then there was the turbulence. oy. have i ever mentioned that i get motion sick? no? oh... well i do. and there was turbulence. [i turned green, but controlled myself remarkably well. congratulate me.]
so we finally get to NY, and i finally get to have a smoke, and not only is there no snow, but its RAINING. well heck. but fine.
my grandparents house was just the same as always... except they re-did their driveway, but i didnt even notice it until they pointed it out...course, by that point i was starving cuz you know they dont actually feed you on planes... they just give you cardboard that looks like food... but yeah. my nana went all out for us kids... antipasto, roasted sausage onions peppers and potatoes, pasta and sauce... mmmmmmmmmmmm heaven. omg you have NOT eaten til you've had my nana's cooking. and i say this, me, who can cook better than oh, half the planet. [okay, maybe not half the planet. maybe more like three fourths the planet. lol kidding. really. but i am an awesome cook given half the chance.]
but thats where the good times stopped. the next day i hurt [thank you overheavy luggage in the overhead bin, and dragging it through two entire airports] and i felt like crap... so i stayed curled up in my grandparents tv room while everyone else went and got stuck in a flooded parkway for 3 hours on a trip to see my aunt. i'm glad i stayed put.
then xmas eve was a huge debaucle. my aunt... or rather i should say my older aunt... had a gigantic party at her house. we all went of course... but i didnt know 3/4 the people there because they were all relatives and friends of her boyfriend... who is a royal jerk. i met the guy for the first time while i was standing in my aunt's driveway smoking, respectfully a ways away from the house and any persons who might be offended by the smoke... when he drives up... and hollers at me from 20 feet away: "i'm John"
so i'm like: "i'm tess"
and he's all: "these are my slippers, not my shoes..."
[as if i care] i say: "they look warm"
upon our formal introduction, he says: "smoking's bad for you ya know"
no REALLY? i have NEVER heard that before! i mean... WOW! if only i had known that before i started... gee... thanks for telling me, i'm gonna quit right this second! *storms off in a mad fit*...
*storms back still in a mad fit* the NERVE of some people. i mean, i didnt comment on his crappy parking, or warn him that walking around outside in his PJ's is liable to get him the flu, or anything like that... who the hell is he to jump in and tell me anything about my health, or lack thereof? especially when he's known me all of oh, 30 fucking seconds. what a dipshit. and every single conversation i have with the guy after that revolves around how smoking is so bad for me and i need to quit. what the hell? i mean jeez... cant a girl go into the kitchen to grab a soda without her bad habits being rammed down her throat? apparently not around this dude. cuz he started in on me again, about how its my new years resolution to quit... when it is no such thing. i really really wanted to tell him to lay off about my bad habits since i'm not throwing his in his face... oh and whats his bad habit? RUBBING OTHER PEOPLE'S BAD HABITS IN THEIR FACES! yeah. um. i think everyone is happy i didnt say that... but it took a lot of will power to keep my mouth shut... especially after that cosmo that my dad made me. i swear my father tried to get me drunk in one drink. bleh. it was not my night.
xmas itself wasnt much better... another party, at another aunts house, with her sick 4 year old, and more people that i really dont know so well at all. i had too much wine on an empty stomach and ended up falling asleep on her couch. heh. tess the drunk. eh. at least the food was good.
the day after xmas... was just wrong all around. fights with my dad over plans that got messed up somehow... trip to the Met was cool... me and my sis wandered around by ourselves and saw all the cool stuff we wanted to see -- the china exhibit, the frank lloyd wright exhibit, the tiffany exibit, the french art deco exhibit -- without having to worry too much about kidlets cuz they took off with my dad... but after that, as mentioned earlier, we were taken on a bit of a hike through the city to see my dad's old highschool... just the outside... um. yeah. in the snow. i froze. i started coughing. my back started aching so bad i couldnt stand up straight. i got dizzy. and i couldnt get warm again once we got home. i lost my appetite almost completely, but forced myself to eat.
before going to bed, i checked my email... i shouldnt have. i got an email from "my" boy... saying that his mom was in the hospital again, and he wasnt going to come see me... and a lot of other stuff that basically amounted to a break up letter. needless to say i lost it... i mean... hyperventilating, tears, walking around aimlessly type of stuff... my sister didnt know what to do i think... she kept trying to make me laugh... but that just made it worse. because it wasnt my fault. it wasnt that he didnt like me, or didnt want me, it was that he DID... but because of all sorts of other shit going on, he couldnt handle it. he couldnt handle the idea of maybe possibly being happy. he didnt/doesnt think he deserves to be happy. he blames himself for all the shit going on... and in the process of being self destructive, he ended up destroying me too. i couldnt stop crying. i literally could not stop.
i couldnt sleep either... and ended up collapsing in a heap in bed shivering and shaking because apparently i had a fever of 104 and didnt realize it cuz i was so upset. i woke up shaking so bad that i could barely get out of bed fast enough to make it to the bathroom to throw up the last of whatever green thing i had eaten the night before... then i stumbled out to the kitchen to find ... i dont know what. i think i was delirious. oh right... something to drink so i could take some advil... then i basically crawled into the tv room and lived there for the next day or so. i couldnt move. i couldnt eat. i was dehydrated and delusional, hearing things that werent there, seeing things that werent there... and then i had to get up at 3am the next morning to get on a plane...
there really is nothing worse than having to endure a plane flight while suffering from a 103.5/104 fever... really.
and that... that was my "vacation" in new york. wow. um. i think i need a vacation after that vacation... oh right. i got one. i spent it on my couch. well some more stuff happened during those... 5 days? no... 7 days? [hell i dont even remember how long it was... lesse... 28th to the 2nd... yeah. 7 days.] anyway... i'll fill y'all in on that tomorrow cuz i've just spent my entire afternoon writing this. [yeah. way to make a fresh start at work huh?]
oh... made an appt with a shrink for tomorrow night after work... i figured its about time i go back on meds. i'm not dealing. i'm not handling. i'm not keeping it together. but we'll see.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)