cruel b*tch with a wicked sense of humor

[repost from earlier today... thank you RJ for sending it to me... and thank you blogger *sarcasm* for eating it in the first place]

ah... i've been remiss in posting a daily little blurb... and the last one i posted wasnt even up to my normal caliber, just a cut and paste of quiz results. fun quiz results, but still... not up to my normal standard of inane ramblings.

so... what have i been up to? oh, you think i've actually been doing work for once? haha. so wrong. i spent yesterday researching a legal matter, then staying up way too late because, well, i wasnt in the mood for sleep. *ahem* *blush*

anyway... class yesterday weirded me out just a little bit... erm... lemme start somewhere else. okay. so you know, all my life i've been hearing the stories about professors seducing their students, and exchanging sex for a better (or passing) grade... well. i'm not saying that happened to me. definitely not! but, i always thought that kind of thing was a lot more fiction than it was fact... until last night. I get to class early. I always do. i'm off work at 5:30, and class doesnt start til 6:30, and its only a 15 minute walk from my office. so i showed up early as usual. and the prof was there earlier than usual, and we got into a conversation about grants to write a decent geography text book. the picture of innocence right? right. except for one thing. the whole time he was talking to me, he never looked at my face ONCE. and i'm not talking about the whole looking in a completely opposite direction kinda thing. i'm talking about the staring directly at my chest and undressing it with his eyes kinda thing. i'm not entirely unaccustomed to that action, but i AM unaccustomed to that kind of blatant sexual tension being delivered by MY TEACHER (well, there was that once in high school... but... well nevermind. thats another story).

now, i like to be appreciated just as much as the next girl. more so even. but... there is something entirely disconcerting about a late 40's married professor undressing you with his eyes while you're having a detailed technical conversation about proposals and govt spending habits. especially when this is someone that you are relying on to teach you, and give you a fair grade. even if theres no ACTUAL intimidation, you feel intimidated. you get nervous. you wonder, if you say something, will he fail you? you wonder, if you dont say something, and you play into it, will he give you a better grade? you wonder, if you can ignore it, and pretend that hes not doing it, can you earn your grade on your own merit? well... lets just say thats an extremely uncomfortable place to be in...

me well, coward that i am, pretended to ignore it, but played into it just a little bit... smiling too much, laughing just slightly too loudly, shifting my stance just enough to make the right places jiggle a teensy bit, playing with my hair... not quite flirting mind you, but, definitely acting like a woman... he was so distracted that he kept talking even once class was supposed to have started. haha.

yes, i am a cruel bitch with a wicked sense of humor. but i figure, if he was gonna make me uncomfortable, i might as well return the favor. we'll see if he pulls that kinda thing again when i show up on monday in something a little more revealing.

gawd, i am a horrible horrible person... messing with a prof's head like that... i have no intention whatsoever of going anywhere near the guy... i mean... PLEASE! 40something, boring, bookish, very very overweight, married guy who probably doesnt get any from his wife anymore so imagines feeling up his students while hes talking to them... YUK. as long as hes just looking tho, i'm gonna use it to my advantage if i can. if hes smart (which he appears to be, being a teacher and all) look is all he'll try to do. any more than that, and i'm screaming bloody murder to the college board. i dont need an A in geography THAT bad. LOL.

yes... yes... i am in a rather wickedly evil mood today... hmmm... i wonder how that happened *evil grin*

what the...

okay... now i'm a little ticked off... my wonderful rant about my pervacious teacher has magically disappeared off my blog...

i can only hope that it might one day reappear... but... well... blogger is having issues apparently.

so, in the mean time, if anyone comes across it, please email it to me, or something. i LIKED that post!

my office chair is vibrating...

this vibrating is driving me insane. almost literally. demolition of the building next door is still going on, and right now they're jackhammering through bedrock and concrete to 3 floors deep. yes. 3 floors deep. and my entire office is acting like a bowl of jello on a "magic fingers" bed. the noise doesnt bother me. i keep the alt. rock cranked up loud anyway. its this constant movement. its making me sick to my stomach, and giving me a headache like you wouldnt believe. and i cant concentrate when every other word i type has a typo because the keyboard is shaking under my hands, and my chair is moving around a little of its own accord, and the computer screen keeps jiggling making me dizzy. it feels almost like vertigo... this sickening dizziness... and my muscles dont know what to make of it either... they're tensed and tight like iron bars, making my joints ache and ache...

and you thought this was gonna be a sexy post. hah. take that.

this damned vibrating creeps up through the floor, into your feet, and travels the length of your body through your bones, making your teeth click together just ever so slightly, and causing your eardrums to rattle. yes, its making my eardrums rattle in my head. it HURTS, and sounds like a deep rumble. the rumble resonates throughout your being. and then the room around you follows suit and begins to tremble... and doesnt stop for HOURS.

dont these idiots (the people in charge of the construction project) give a shit that they are going to cause me an aneurism or something?? obviously not...

i'm a seductive pervert!!

Take the quiz: "What Kind of Pervert are You?"

The Seductive Pervert
The Seductive Pervert: You are The Seductive Pervert, you don't have to try! You use only your body and sexual ways to lure someone in an endless dream of sexual fantasies. Although you may use toys, you have your desires, you seem to know what gets to them, you even know their soft spots, woah, wouldn't matter if they had first met you or not! Your ways are unbelievable and quite sensual, you could probably lay anyone you wanted with the way you speak, move, or just motion. Just don't test your abilities on yourself, you might find yourself attracted to even your own body. Let's try attracting another person instead. Hehe!

soaking, sopping, dripping wet...

oh. my. god.

when it rains, it RAINS doesnt it? none of that drizzle stuff for us, noooooooooo... just buckets and buckets of rain, and 40mph winds... jeezus fukkin christ. i havent been this soaked in years! and dont you dare tell me i should have brought an umbrella, cuz i did! umbrella AND a rain coat, and i'm STILL soaked through! oh what? i'm supposed to WEAR the raincoat? and OPEN the umbrella? well gosh, wish ya'd told me that before i left for work!! :P just kidding, i did all that too, and i'm all wet anyway. in 40mph winds, it really doesnt much matter what rain protection gear you've got... ya know?

and do you have any idea how friggin hard it is to smoke a cigarette in a torrential downpour? pretty damned hard, lemme tell ya. i'm surprised the danged thing stayed lit! haha. a sign from above that i should quit maybe? eh. yeah. we all know i should. including me. but thats not happening any time soon.

do i sound bitter? well, i'm not actually. i love the rain. absolutely LOVE it. what i dont love, is having to ride a bus, then a train, and then sit for hours at my desk while sopping wet. i'm more than happy to go for long walks in the rain, and get completely drenched, as long as i can go home when i'm done, and change into something warm and dry... or better yet, just strip and snuggle under a soft warm blanket *wink wink* yes... guess what i'm doing when i get home. hehe.

ah well... back to work... i'm actually accomplishing stuff today [shocking, i know].

for those of you who are just as wet as i am... well... hopefully its for a better reason!! LOL.

okay... EW!

as you can tell from the title of this post, you all may find this disgusting, but i had to rant about it a bit anyway. i appologize in advance wholeheartedly for any stomach upset this may cause you.

now, i dont drive, so to get to and from work and school i typically take the bus. at night, i have to transfer busses in downtown oakland... and tonight, like every night, i was walking the two blocks between my bus stops, when i saw something that totally grossed me out, not like every night. what? well... let me tell the story properly.
i was walking the two blocks to my next bus, and i passed by another bus stop... this one had one of those covered kiosk things, with benches in it... plexiglass windows all around... and inside the kiosk thing, were two people. one was pressed up against the glass (their back against it), and the other was leaning forward over the first one... seemingly pushing them against the glass. at first, i wasnt exactly sure what was going on... and then i realized that the person pressed up against the glass was a woman, and she had her shirt open... and the person pressing her against the glass was a guy... and then it dawned on me... EW. i was seeing a prostitute give a titty fuk in a bus stop kiosk!!! EW EW EW EW!!! lets just say i'm scarred for life... cuz neither one was attractive at all, in fact, the hooker looked homeless, and the guy didnt look much better off than that...

UGH *shudder* just one more reason i hate living in a big metropolitan area, and one more reason i need to learn to drive. NASTY.

Office Space transubstantiated

why is it that i never want to do what i need to do when i need to do it? why is it that i only ever want to do what i need to do when i'm supposed to be doing something else?

example: i'm at home this weekend, banging my head on my keyboard, trying to write an essay for english. i dont want to do the essay, i cant STAND the essay topic (the myth is the public dream, the dream is the private myth -- explain and support with examples and analyses of your own dreams), and i cant seem to get past 2 pages, no matter how many pages i actually end up writing. but, i can clearly and happily think about work, and all the things i need to do monday morning (today). now that i'm at work however, all i can manage to think about is that stupid essay, and the angles that i should have taken with it, and i can NOT, not even to save my own life, focus on the work i am supposed to be doing right now.

i guess the explanation is simple enough... ADD strikes again. its easy to blame it on a mental disorder, but unfortunately i'm not content with that cop-out. i am an adult, i am responsible, i should be able to enforce some self discipline in my own life, and my own thought patterns. key word there: should.

i have spent the first 2 hours of being at work as such: getting breakfast, going for a smoke, finding lyrics to a song, posting lyrics to a song on my blog, talking briefly with my boss about something thats way over my head at work and shoving it off onto her desk, having another smoke, and writing a post for my blog. um. yeah.

this is not the normal me, although it has been the most prevalent me over the past few weeks. normally, i work nonstop, except for the occasional IM from a friend or my army boy, and actually get things accomplished. lately, i've done virtually nothing. okay, so almost literally nothing, at work. i deal with the emergencies, i answer my phone, i respond to my email, and i might pay some of the invoices sitting in my pending folders... but really? i do nothing all day. and i cant bring myself to do more than that. the strange thing is, the less i do, the higher the respect people give me.

what happened, was i magically transported into Office Space? funny thing is, i can see my boss saying: ummmmmmm yeah... did you get the memo about the TPS reports? (even tho shes a chick and a pretty one at that). we need one of those consultants to come in so that i can tell them how fukt up this place is, and get it fixed, as well as getting all this work (that i'm never going to do) off my desk. blah. anyway, i guess i should go at least LOOK busy... *shrug*

i'll try to post something funny later... funny posts are generally more interesting anyway.

boulevard of broken dreams

okay, i've got to plug the new Green Day album, American Idiot. so far every song i've heard off this album is GREAT. especially the one that i've listed the lyrics to below. i think we all feel like this at least once in our lives, some of us feel this way more often than that. i know i feel like this constantly.

Green Day - Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
F**ked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk away!

weird things... continued

alright, so first with the LN soda chiller this afternoon...

THEN... i saw, for the first time, a cop on a [oh dude, get this] SEGWAY. yes, you read that right, a SEGWAY. i have never seen anything more lame in my entire life. i mean, we're sposed to be intimidated by cops right? well let me tell you, i was so UNintimidated that i nearly tripped walking past the guy i was laughing so hard. especially since they dont just ride the segway, they wear a HELMET while riding the segway. yes, you read that right too. a HELMET. and on the front of the segway, there is a fanny pack looking thing to carry their ticket books and things. can you see why i was laughing so hard?? but apparently this is the new thing for UCB cops... and its becoming a widely accepted trend. only god knows why, cuz i sure as heck cant figure it out.

a grasshopper in the bathroom sink???

okay... so last nite my prof keeps us late at class, and i didnt wind up getting home til after 11... closer to 11:30 really... so i drop my stuff and head to the bathroom to wash up n get outta my work clothes n stuff like that... and what do i find waiting for me in my bathroom sink?? A GRASSHOPPER!!!

oh see, now you're saying "thats not so weird, what are you freaking out about??" but you dont understand. i live in a crappy hole in the wall second floor apartment that only has two windows... one in the bedroom, and one is a huge sliding glass door to my should-be-condemned balcony. neither of those two windows had been open in days (what with me not being home much and all). there is no window in the bathroom. the closest outlet to nature in the bathroom is the teeny little fan thingy in the ceiling, and let me tell ya, the slats on that are WAY too small for a grasshopper to fit through.

so i'm standing there, staring at it, wondering how the HELL it got there... and it JUMPS at me. not an issue really, except that i was leaning in close peering at it, and it nearly landed on my face. i cant STAND stuff in my face like that. so of course i did the girly little EEEK! thing and jumped back, trying to impale myself backwards on the doorknob ... umm i dont think it left a mark... heh.

well after that i scooped the thing up in a cup and held a CD case over the top of it so it couldnt get out... and i dumped the little guy out on my balcony. i hope he finds his way down okay... he was cute, even if he did launch himself at my nose.

so that was my excitement last night... and all my excitement too. cuz after that i pretty much crashed... okay okay, so i chatted with some friends for a half hour or so, and sent an email or two... but directly after that i went to bed. oh fine, so i didnt. i watched tv for a bit too. so sue me :P i still got up for work on time this morning (shocking!!) so its all good.

oh yeah... weird sight for the day:

in the pile of snow underneath the liquid nitrogen tanks outside my building (yes, defective storage tanks leak, and create "snow" on the outside of the tanks, which flakes off and piles up underneath), someone had half buried a couple bottles of soda to keep them cold. it was just slightly strange. not overly weird, i mean, it made sense and all... but... do we really wanna take the risk of swallowing any of that LN snow??? i sure dont!

Hot Topic Alert!

okay... so i'm linking to a conversation that is taking place on another blog, that i think a fair number of you would be interested to see my views on, because i will NOT be posting them here. its a discussion about the state of our nation, the war on terror, the war on iraq, and our current prez. i've taken the less common view point... so i thought you would all be interested. go HERE to read, and join in as well if you feel like it. i think that talking about this type of thing, having an open discourse, is very important, especially with the upcoming elections.

i'll post something more personal, and more light hearted, later.

quietly romantic

this is a day for the record books people... today, i actually feel [omg, get this!] relaxed. yes! really! i'm not kidding at all! and, on top of that, i'm in one of those quietly romantic moods that is oh so girly [again, what? me? girly? since when?].

so i'm sitting here at work, listening to 80's "power balads"... hitting the replay button on Extreme "More Than Words" and Bad English "When I See You Smile", over and over and over again... um... yeah... okay, so in this one aspect i am a stereotypical chick. you have to admit tho, those two songs are the BEST love songs EVER...

but yeah... quiet romantic mood... you know those ones, where just being held would be heaven? curled up with someone, arms around eachother, just listening to each other breathe... or a long drive to nowhere, not having to talk, just enjoying being near one another... or even just going for a walk (moonlit of course), leaning against each other slightly, arms around each other's waists...

i dunno, its simple things like that that i enjoy the most, not the fancy over the top stuff. those things usually end up being more work than they are fun, and its always hard to just concentrate on the other person... which i always thought was the point. i mean, if you love someone that way, you dont care about fancy dinners, or nights out dancing, as long as you get to be with them. i think the most romantic things, the most intimate things, are the simple things. not to be cliche, but long walks on the beach do happen to fall into that catagory of simple romantic intimate things... but i'm just as happy with a long drive down the coast, or hell, even pizza and a DVD, as long as we curl up and just be together.

so anyway... yes, i am relaxed, i am feeling quietly romantic, and i'm quite content at this precise moment... except that i'd love to be doing one of those quietly romantic things i just talked about, instead of sitting at work writing about them. hehe. oh well. soon enough :)

blogging your praises

well, you [and you know who you are] said you dont deserve to have your praises sung, but i disagree. unfortunately, i cant sing, so i'll just have to blog them instead.

you are one of the most creative, talented, and passionate people i have ever known. you took something that most people would view as a hobby or an unrealizable dream, and turned it into a career, despite criticisms from your family and your bank account. you have no idea how brave that is, or how much i envy your motivations and self discipline.

you make jokes about the things i take too seriously, forcing me to laugh at them, and myself. you see the bright side of what i see dimly, and dont stop pointing it out until i see it too. you push me to think about why i believe the things i believe, and point out when i'm being judgmental. you say all the things i dont want to hear, but need to. you see me not only for who i am right now, but for who i will be, and you push me to be that better, stronger, more confident person.

i love you for all of that (and more), and i always will.

[10-14-2004 -- due to inquiry by several as to who i am talking about here, let me just say that this is directed towards one of my best friends in the world, and that this one little post doesnt even come close to saying as much as i'd really like to about him]

"if i can" is a scary phrase

wow... did i ever just fall off the manic wagon HARD.

i guess theres just something about someone telling you "a mortar just hit the FOB and i have to go report in. i'll try to get back if i can" before they log off thats enough to ruin any good mood. and you know, its not the mortar part thats scary. its the "if i can" part thats scary. you start thinking about all the reasons that he might not be able to... and believe me, none of them are pretty.

its times like these that i curse my overactive imagination, and wish i was a boring un-creative person who never suffered the from the what-ifs. those what-ifs will be the death of me. i'll get so worked up over one of them some day that i'll give myself a heart attack, and keel over in the middle of the street, or at my desk, or some other inconvenient place. but yeah... anyway...

i know i havent talked much about my army boy... actually... i think i've only mentioned him once here, and then only in passing... and you know what? y'all can just keep wondering for now, cuz i havent a clue what he'd think if i started plastering stuff about him all over the internet. I know he doesnt read this blog, he doesnt have time to, but eventually he might, and i really dont wanna embarass anyone here, so... i'll just give ya a few choice tid bits...

hes sweet, funny, absolutely adorable, kind, caring, generous, responsible, and the best thing thats ever happened to me, even if he is stuck in the desert right now, dodging mortars. i have never met anyone [okay, so technically i havent met him yet either, face to face anyway, but you all know what i mean] that i respect, admire, or trust more than him. i have never met anyone who has the power to change me from tears to laughter in the space of 5 minutes except for him. no one makes me smile more. no one makes me feel more special. no one makes me feel more loved. and i cannot wait til he's home, and i can give him all the kisses he deserves for being such an angel to me.

you know, its funny, but just talking about him puts me in a little bit of a better mood... man, i wish he read this thing, i have a feeling he'd like to know that :)

anyway, its about time for me to get out of here... i'm not going to class tonite cuz well, i didnt write the paper (i didnt flake on it completely, i just couldnt finish it cuz my stupid wrist gave out) that i was supposed to turn in... its okay, its just a rough draft, i wasnt stupid enough to flub an actual honest to goodness essay!... and well so since i dont have the rough draft done, its kind of pointless for me to go to a class where we're just going to spend 3 hrs discussing the rough draft that i didnt finish. um. yeah.

so imma go home, and try not to worry too much, and maybe wash some dishes, or treat myself to a vanilla bubble bath by candle light, or maybe both, and then try to get some sleep. i need sleep... god i need sleep... i've got the dark circle thing going on underneath my eyes, EW.

someone to make me wake up

well i was late to work AGAIN today... it seems no matter what i do, its impossible for me to get here on time. if i get up on time, the bus is late, or the train has mechanical problems. of course, getting up on time is the hardest thing for me to do. i'm sleep deprived, and i know it. most nights i dont manage to get to sleep until after 2 or 3 in the morning. that is something i have to work on, i know. but with these night classes, i dont get home til 11 some nights, and its HARD to shut my mind down! not to mention i've never really been good at the whole sleep thing in the first place. insomniac, thats me. i guess that maybe it just feels like a waste of time, that and i have a tendency towards nightmares... i just dont WANT to sleep. of course, i realize that this is a bad thing, that i NEED to sleep, and i need more than just 3 or 4 hours a night, but a lot of the time it just doesnt seem to matter. my body is so used to my fukt up sleep schedule, that i cant seem to break the cycle. and i've tried just about everything to break the cycle. i've tried staying up all night to try and force myself to be tired enough to sleep when i got home the next day. i've tried drinking to make myself sleepy. i've tried sleeping pills, and mixing sleeping pills with antihistamines. i've tried turning off anything that makes noise and forcing myself to lie still (which REALLY doesnt work). i've tried leaving the tv on, or the radio. i've tried to sleep in my bed. i've tried to sleep on my couch. i've tried sleep on the floor for crying out loud! and you know what? NOTHING WORKS.

so once i finally fall asleep, its a bitch and a half for me to wake up again... which means i hit the snooze button on my alarm clock a half million times, or even just flat out reset the thing. i've even called in sick to work just because i couldnt wake up, and i knew there was no way i was going to make it to the office before noon.

so what does my boss do? she emails me, asking me to make my hours EARLIER. LMAO. that so fixes the problem doesnt it. i cant get here by 9 most days, what makes her think that i'm going to be able to get here by 8? hahahaha. oh fukkin well. i'm just gonna have to figure out a way to make myself get up in the morning, no matter how tired i am. it would really help if i had someone around to kick me outta bed or something, someone to drag me into the shower and MAKE me wake up... but i dont have that... *sigh* maybe i need like, 3 or 4 alarm clocks scattered randomly throughout my apartment and have them go off at 1 minute intervals...

hmmm this is an interesting idea... one by my bed, one in the living room, one in the kitchen, one in the bathroom... that way, i have to get up and walk around, and actually wake up... and by the time i've turned off the last one, i'm right there by the shower anyway...so why not get into it if i'm already right there? ah! i think i've figured it out! now all i need to do is go get 3 more alarm clocks. LOL. yeah like thats gonna happen.

anyway... i should really stop typing cuz i did something to my wrist and now it doesnt wanna work right (dont ask, cuz i have no idea what i did), and it hurts to do stuff like type and write, and turn door knobs. (i'm guessing this is what happens when one handwrites 6 or 7 pages worth of essay in less than 3 hrs... but i'm not sure so dont quote me)

when elevators forget how to count

once again the elevators in my building are on the fritz. mind you, this is not breaking news, nor is it surprising by any means. ever since they started tearing down the building next door, they blocked off the stairs that lead to the rest of campus, so all that traffic has been funneled through my building, and into our poor old elevators. needless to say, the strain on them has been dehabilitating. over the past few months, at least one of them has been broken half of the time.

now however, the elevators have been developing severe dementia.

example number one:
you get on the elevator on the second floor, intending to go down one floor (this is necessary as there are no stairs between the second floor and the first floor mezzanine -- its not just that we're lazy, honest). the elevator understands that you want to go down, and has the down arrow lit as confirmation. once you press the button, and the door closes, the elevator immediately FORGETS that it had agreed to take you down, and proceeds to take you UP to the fourth floor before even considering letting you out. then, and only then, does it remember that it was supposed to go down. upon this realization, the doors SLAM shut, and you plummet down to the floor you originally requested, passing up any persons waiting for a down elevator on the way.

example number two:
you get on the elevator on the mezzanine, intending to go up one floor (again, necessary, as mentioned above). the elevator understands that you want to go up, and has the up arrow lit as confirmation. once you press the button and the door closes, the elevator immediately becomes confused about what floor its actually on, and defaults to thinking that its in the basement!! (this is two floors lower than you actually are). so, thinking its in the basement, it takes you up four floors, to what it THINKS is the second floor, but is ACTUALLY the FOURTH floor. when it goes to let you out, it suddenly regains its bearings, and slams the doors shut to take you back DOWN to the second floor.

example number three:
you get on the elevator, press the button, and nothing happens. for TEN minutes. you wait patiently, knowing its an old elevator, but eventually you start to get scared. if the door is taking this long to close, will it ever open again when its time for you to get out? but then suddenly the door does start to close... 1/4... 1/3... 1/2... SLAM! all the way. and thats when you panic. you think its never going to open again! and when you finally get to your floor, your fears are reinforced... the door creaks, but does not move. you wait, growing more and more claustrophobic as the seconds crawl by. eventually, the door starts to move, it starts to open... 1/4... 1/3... 1/2... SLAM!! all the way open. you can finally breathe again.

these elevator antics have encouraged me to take the stairs whenever possible... even if i have to go down a floor before i can go up a floor (as is the case if i want to go from the mezzanine to the second floor... i have to take the stairs down to the first floor, and from there take a separate staircase up to the second floor... 6 flights of stairs all together).

i'm thinking of starting a petition to have the elevators put on dementia medication, as their delusional states are getting worse, and worse, as time goes by. i'm sure at least the east elevator should go on stress leave, but i dont think the elevators union has negotiated a new contract that allows for that yet.

(yes i'm still manic, cant you tell? :P)

handcuffs and NIN

okay, so i didnt write anything this weekend. i was too busy catching up on all the homework i shirked last week, and i still havent really caught up, but who gives a fuk at this point. i'm on this totally awesome manic high right now and im doing everything i can to keep it.

so i woke up this morning, after only getting maybe 2 hrs sleep... and i felt... dont know how to explain it... like i wasnt a person anymore, like i was a force of nature; a hurricane or a tornado. when i got dressed, i put on a pair of jeans i havent been able to wear in years... and they look better on me now than they did then... old ripped black levi's... my favorite jeans... and immediately got into a hardcore state of mind... so i'm wearing those, harness boots with a thick heel, low cut black tank, and my favorite belt (which now wraps a full third farther around my waist than when i bought it) -- black leather with double clasp, and chromed grommets that go allllllll the way around... oh and the signature plaid flannel tied around my waist. i look like i belong in a nirvana music video or something lol.

but yeah... feeling like a hardcore force of nature puts me in another mood too... which... well... i'm taking it out by torturing my guy friends to death. lol. i know i'm cruel, but... well, they can be cruel sometimes too and what goes around comes around :P

just to give y'all an example... handcuffs come to mind, and i was just listening to NIN -- now i'm listening to blue monday's version of "orgy" *evil grin* make of that what you will *wink wink* i'm sure you get the idea. LOL.

union, we dont need no stinking union...

alright, so i realize that "them's fightin' words" but unions are not what they once were. when my grandfather was still working, and part of a union, the union was strong. when the union spoke out about something, employers had to listen, or be crippled by strikes and sick outs and work slow downs. does my union do any of that? is it a strong union? no!! its a worthless union that just makes us clericals look like complete and total morons!! i wish they didnt even exist! i wish i didnt have a union at all, at this point, and that is honestly how i feel.

i mean, get this... the union spends more time discussing which color the button they want to hand out at the next poor excuse for a rally they have than they spend discussing the important issues, like how to get us a raise, or how to get our health insurance costs decreased, or how to get the university to pay us for the time we have to take off when they close the campus over winter break. it infuriates me to no end! that and the few times they do try to talk about anything remotely serious, they refuse to accept that the university isn't going to give a rats behind about their whining. all the university cares about is the bottom line, how much what costs, and why they should shell out that kind of cash. instead, the union thinks that they can remind the university to treat its employees with respect, dignity, and a little bit of morality. come ON people. not only are we talking about a govt funded institution, but we're talking about an academic corporation!! they dont HAVE morals, and they dont give a flying fuk about respect and dignity, unless its in regards to how people treat THEM!

not to mention, the union insists on involving itself in the political agendas of every ultra liberal special interest group that it happens to come across... to the point that when you list the organizations union management is affiliated with, you find things like "liberal lesbian communist coalition" (!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!) and "socialist gay men unite to save the whales" (!!!!!r u shitting me?!!!!) and other ridiculous bull crap like that. you think i'm joking?? oh believe me, i wish i was.

oh yeah, and then of course theres the union trying to tell you which presidential or gubernatorial or local govt candidates to vote for. just because i happen to work in an organization which requires me to pay dues even if i wasnt a member of the union does NOT mean that i agree with the union in any way shape or form about politics. in fact, i quite feel the opposite on most topics. i am a political conservative, a registered republican (although, yes, i have issues with the current prez, and probably wont be voting for him... i think i'm gonna write in my son... he'd make a much better prez, and at 5 yrs old has a larger vocabulary too :P). my union, as most unions are, is intensely on the liberal side of the line, to the degree that they endorse (get this) GREEN PARTY candidates! can you believe it?? well... this is berkeley after all... i shouldnt be too surprised, i mean, judging by the organizations (see previous examples above) that these people are associated with, i shouldn't be surprised if they wanted to endorse someone stalin-esque! yes... lets turn america into the fallen USSR. oh THATS productive! gimme a break.

i just want a raise, and better working conditions. other than that, my job is pretty damned cush. and actually, i've heard people tell me to stop complaining about my pay scale too cuz i make more than a fair number of my friends... so maybe if the union just did something about this fukt up workload, i'd be pretty content. but no... i have a stack of emails (somewhere around 15 or 20) in my inbox from the union discussing the stupid pins for the next rally. do we have any on hand? does statewide have any on hand? can we get more? what color are they? do we want a different color? should we get a variety of colors, so people can match them to their shirts?... well you know what?

I DONT CARE WHAT COLOR THE DAMNED PIN IS BECAUSE I WONT WEAR THE FUKKER!!!

the ultimate battle: homework vs. blogging

oh if only, if only i spent as much time doing my homework as i do blogging... the problem is, of course, that i dont enjoy my homework, and i do enjoy the whole blog thing. now, i shirked class tonite, so you'd think i'd spend this time doing something productive, like washing the dishes that have been stacking up, or doing homework, or laundry, or something... but no. i'm sitting here, blogging, and watching tv. okay, so i'm not really watching tv... its just on as backround noise so that my apt doesnt feel so empty.

i guess what it comes down to is that i have a lot on my mind, and i cant seem to concentrate. not to mention i'm tired as hell, but i cant seem to sleep... i fell asleep on the train home tonite, and nearly missed my stop... but now that i'm home, and its okay for me to sleep, i cant. its so frustrating. bleh.

my dysfunctional family

okay, so my sister reads my blog, so none of this will be news to her... but replying to her comment reminded me that not a whole lot of anyone else really knows whats up with the whole family situation for me, other than my own divorce thing.

here's the run down:

my parents marriage was doomed from the beginning, in my opinion... my dad comes from a huge italian family, and my mom comes from a rather microscopic german/irish family. That should give you a clue right there.

my dad is the oldest of four children, my mother is an only child (another red flag).

both my parents are, to put it mildly, control freaks; something they have been kind enough to pass along genetically to both myself and my lil sis. we however, have the common decency to admit it, whereas my parents still insist that there is nothing abnormal about them (the third warning sign that this was a hugely bad idea).

so... i think we can see where this is going... they fought. and fought HARD. the last night my dad spent in the same house as my mother, the cops came and dragged him out because the two of them had run out of pots and pans to throw at each other, and were about to start on the knives. this was approximately when i was seven, and my sister was two. let me tell you, there is nothing more sobering as a child than watching policemen "help" your father pack his clothes, and "escort" him out of the house, all the while telling you that "everything is going to be alright." let me tell you, that particular moron of an officer couldnt have been more wrong. in fact, i knew it myself, right then and there, that nothing was going to be "alright" about my family ever again, and as such, realized that the cop was lying to me because i was a little kid and he just wanted to keep me calm. i damned near punched him in the nose! course, i was smart enough to know that wouldnt help anything, so i didnt do it... but i wanted to really badly, and still kinda do even now. its sad to think that one event can cause a child to lose all faith in adults... but that one action, by that one man in a blue uniform, did it for me. yes, we have officer so-and-so to blame for my complete distrust of all things authoritative. fortunately, that distrust has served me well over the years.

so then the fun part started... divorce proceedings.

you know, its really a horrible thing when people decide to fight over their children, with no apparent care for the child's best interests. but thats exactly what happened. they each wanted us, they each were convinced that they were the best parent, they each were so intent on winning us that they lost sight of the fact that we were living, breathing, feeling human beings, and began (i believe) to see us as objects, material things, to be taken away from the other person as punishment for all the hurt they had caused one another. and while i dont think that my sis was old enough to really notice at that point, i think it became apparent to her later on, as custody remained an issue until both of us finally passed into adulthood. dad was constantly dragging mom to court, and vice versa, because of some issue about who got to see which child more, or child support wasnt enough, or child support was too much, or whatever other thing one of them wanted to deny their children in order to get back at each other.

now, the both of them are remarried. my dad to "the ice queen" (as i like to refer to her), and my mom to "the absent minded high school teacher" (who happens to suffer from severe ADD -- imagine... a control freak married to someone with ADD... oh my god... its horrific. the house is plastered with well manicured signs and notices like "turn off the stove" and "lock the door" and a myriad of other things with the same degree of simplicity).

my dad and "the ice queen" have a son, my half brother ("the spoiled brat"), that neither of them can control because "the ice queen" has no idea how to be an effective parent, and my dad (as was the case with me and my sister as well) isnt around enough to actually make much of an impact. my mom and "the absent minded high school teacher" didnt have any children of their own (thank god!), but mom's new husband has inflicted upon her the son he had from his previous marriage (another spoiled brat, but this time in his teens, so "obnoxious idiot" seems a better title) who ALSO has ADD... thus adding to my mother's constant state of insanity. needless to say, i avoid interacting with my step-father and step-brother at all costs.

yes, i know, i have ADD as well, i should be compassionate... but REALLY. i dont forget to turn off the stove, and i dont forget to take showers, and i dont forget to lock my door. thats just ridiculous, and i dont see how anyone could possibly survive life if they cant remember to do basic things like that. it borders on stupidity, and i honestly think that they are using the medical condition as an excuse as to why they dont need to better themselves, or treat my mother with a shred of respect, and it PISSES ME OFF.

as for my interactions with "the ice queen" and "spoiled brat"... i lived with them in high school (my mother and i did NOT get along at all at that point -- control freaks usually don’t – and the result was typically huge fights of the knock-down-drag-the-twelve-year-old-out-of-the-house-and-lock-the-door kind), and it was made quite clear to me that i was to be perpetually viewed as a second class citizen. i was good for babysitting, or making dinner every now and again, and i was even allowed to have friends over as long as they didnt bother anyone or break anything. but was i actually treated like part of the family? no. it was "the ice queen's" house, and i had no rights. so once i moved out, i didnt go back for quite a long time, not even for holidays, or to visit. who can blame me? ever been treated like a stranger in your own home, by your own family? its insulting, and extremely hurtful, and serves no purpose except that you end up feeling alienated, and subsequently dont feel bad when you dont talk to those people for months on end.

i also think that "the ice queen" was intimidated because at 15/16 i had better parenting skills than she did. heck, i still do. and it drives her INSANE. my sis will back me up on this too. both my sis and i have more, and better, parenting skills than "the ice queen", and this intimidates her to the point that she whines to our father about us being "overbearing" and that theres "sibling rivalry" going on, and that we "bully" our half brother.

i'm sorry, but telling someone to please stop poking you because it hurts is NOT any of those things. it is merely a) looking out for yourself, and b) teaching the brat some fukkin manners!

i should probably point out that my half brother is 15 years younger than myself. that puts me in a rather interesting position. i'm way too much older for him to have any sort of real sibling type relationship. but i'm way too young for him to see me as someone whom he should look up to, or treat with respect. he and i do okay when its just us hanging out, cuz i'm actually pretty laid back about stuff as long as he doesnt try to pull shit with me (he knows i wont let him get away with it, so he typically doesn’t try to pull shit). but when his mom is around, things go to hell in a hand basket cuz he knows he can get away with murder. so yeah, i tend to avoid them, and "the ice queen" tends to avoid me (shes finally learning that i'm not going to like her ever, and has stopped whining to my dad that i dont have deep introspective conversations with her like she thinks i'm supposed to... like we're supposed to be friends of some stupid shit like that. lemme tell ya, that aint never gonna happen, EVER).

my dad isn’t learning quite as quickly that “the ice queen” and my sister and i will never have any sort of friendship thing going on. we treat her civilly, and that’s the best that anyone can really expect. but he finally is learning that we really really really don’t like her. this is a good thing because hes no longer torturing us by having her come along on outings with us, or forcing us to spend time with her. this weekend for example. he’s taking me, “spoiled brat”, and my son up to see my sister at college. and “the ice queen” will not be in attendance. thank god. i for one do not need that kind of stress. but for us to find out if she was coming or not, my sister had to send an email (all our communication with our dad is pretty much email) to him saying that she’d really prefer if “the ice queen” didn’t come along this time. i gotta give my sis props cuz i didn’t have the guts to say anything about it this time. maybe next time i’ll be the one to speak up and ask that she not come along, maybe not. but at least he’s finally getting the hint that we’re happy to spend time with him, as long as “the ice queen” isn’t involved.

so yeah, now that i’ve written a novel… its time for me to get outta this damned office. i’m skipping class tonite… i’m just not up to going. besides, its not like i’m missing much. everything is in the friggin book.

an honest conversation with upper management... am i hallucinating?

for those of you who bother to pay attention to whether or not I'm actually online... you'll have noticed that i didn't show up at my desk til about 10am. well, thats because as soon as i showed up for work this morning, i was immediately embroiled in another one of those management sanctioned activities that preclude the actual accomplishment of anything work related (read: staff meeting).

This was a meeting like none i've ever attended before. Management was actually HONEST with us :O they gave a clear and concise picture of what was going on, and! oh boy get this! they LISTENED to what we had to say! I have never been more pleasantly surprised about something work related before! AND omg... management basically flat out told us that, in the previous meeting we had with some of the re-org planners, we had been flat out lied to about several situations. namely the situation about the possibility of people having to reapply for their jobs -- they were specific about what levels within the organization would have to worry about that too! WOW!

well yeah, i had to share, cuz well, no one here understands how rare of an event this all was, and are thus very unappreciative of my exuberance. but you guys, i know you guys will get it :)

quiet days are too few and far between

today has been an unusually quiet day. quiet days here at work are very much too few and far between for my particular tastes. i get way more done when my phone isnt ringing off the hook with people asking me stupid questions. but theres something about quiet days that unnerve me lately as well. i start to get paranoid, wondering what horrible scandalous thing is back building while my phone isnt ringing, and my email inbox isnt filling up. are they saving it all to dump in my lap at 4pm on friday? are they waiting until i'm in the middle of a hairy project before telling me about deadlines since missed? or worse yet, is my email or phone malfunctioning, and i'm not getting the crapload of urgent messages that i should be?

yes... paranoia at its best... i know, i should just enjoy the peace and quiet, and do my best to do everything i can while i can, but thats just not the way things work around here. there is always an emergency. there is always something urgent. there is always something incalculably complex and painful. and when there isnt, well, i start to worry, because there never isnt.

its kind of like when a mom knows that her child is playing way too quietly, and visions of horrible deeds done start flashing through her mind. the "oh what is he doing that hes so quiet?" questions start running through your head, and you start imagining the worst case scenario... hes painted a picture on the bedroom wall with my lipstick... hes pulling all the tape out of his video cassettes... hes discovered how to clog the toilet using nothing but q-tips... yes, just like that.

that terror of things to be found out later is exactly what i'm feeling right now. and its not unjustified either.

the last time i had a truly quiet day, the next day every single person i work for/with showed up with a horrible emergency that they'd been sitting on for at least a week! oh my... was that ever hellish. i have yet to figure out the polite way to say "lack of planning on your part does not constitute a crisis for me" and have it actually be understood... if anyone has any ideas, let me know!

welcome to my life -- simple plan

okay, so i heard this on launch just now, and it just summed up so how i've been feeling lately that i had to post the lyrics for you guys.

Welcome to My Life
Simple Plan

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place,
Like some how you just don’t belong,
And no one understands you?

Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud,
That no one hears you screaming?

No, you don’t know what it’s like,
When nothing feels alright,
You don’t know what it’s like,
To be like me!

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked, when you’re down,
To feel like you’ve been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
When no one’s there to save you,
No you don’t know what it’s like,
Welcome to my life

Do you want to be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more,
Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies,
While deep inside you’re bleeding?

No you don’t know what it’s like,
When nothing feels alright,
You don’t know what it’s like,
To be like me!

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked, when you’re down,
To feel like you’ve been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
When no one’s there to save you,
No you don’t know what it’s like,
Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face!
No one ever stabs you in the back!
You might think I’m happy,
But I’m not gonna be okay!

Everybody always gave you what you wanted!
You never had to work, it was always there!
You don’t know what it’s like (what it’s like)…

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked, when you’re down,
To feel like you’ve been pushed around,

To be on the edge of breaking down,
When no one’s there to save you,
No you don’t know what it’s like,

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked, when you’re down,
To feel like you’ve been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
When no one’s there to save you,
No you don’t know what it’s like,
Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life!
Welcome to my life!

feverish ramblings continued

i am now rambling feverishly while sitting at work, attempting to at least pretend to concentrate on something. however the effort is more than i can actually bear. i've never had just a fever before. usually theres something that accompanies it; cough, congestion, pain, something! but not this time. this time its just a fever. i dont even have the body aches that i had on sunday. my boss even gave me a funny look as i tried desperately to keep from slumping to the side while she came in to talk to me this morning... needless to say, i failed, but i managed to pass it off as just deciding to lean on my desk instead of sit straight in my chair. my equilibrium is kaput. if i didnt know better, i'd say i had an innner ear infection... but i know what those feel like, and i do not have one. i dont appear to have anything except this weird fever which is making me somewhat delirious and very very woozy. this is starting on day number 3 of this really fucked up illness, and i'm starting to worry just a tad. especially since my boss decided it would be helpful to tell me how i might have a serious infection and not even know it... gee thanx for putting that into my head for me to obsess on and become hypochondriac about... exactly what i needed. yes. thanx again. *sigh*

but yeah. i cant concentrate. i'm afraid to do the cash handling part of my job for fear that i may fuk it up somehow (even though i can do it with my eyes closed -- okay not really because i cant read the amounts off the checks with my eyes closed, but you know what i mean). i'm afraid to approve any payments because i dont think i'm capable of doing math at this point. not even the really simple stuff. heck, i dont even trust myself to file because i'm afraid i'll get the account numbers mixed up and misfile something important.

so i'm just kind of sitting here, ready to answer the phone and attempt to sound at least somewhat coherrent, and maybe respond to an email or three. i dont think i can handle much more than that, but at least i'm here, and its already almost lunch time. not that i'm hungry really. but i can go lay down at lunch... that should be nice, but its dangerous, cuz who knows when i'll wake up again. heh.

anyway, back to staring at my email browser, waiting for something non-complex to show up.

feverish ramblings

well, i was supposed to go to work today, and i was supposed to go to class tonite, but my fever from last night didnt disappear with sleep, and instead stayed with me and got worse this morning. so i'm home. i've been home. drifting in and out of consciousness, curled up in a fluffy blanket on the couch in front of my television, watching bits and pieces of whatever happens to be on while i'm awake.

theres something about being sick, especially with a rather dehabilitating fever, that always makes me really wish i had someone to curl up with. i know, that just serves to share germs... but the idea of being wrapped in someones arms, having them stroke my hair, and kiss my forehead as i fall asleep, and to wake up that way as well... is just... heavenly.

and its not so much about the actual touch, its what that touch communicates. care, attention, desire, worry, love. its when i'm sick, when i'm feeling absolutely miserable, that i need someone to feel those things for me the most. its why i get "clingy" when i'm hurting, or sick, or unhappy. i mean, i'm always an extremely physically affectionate person, but when i'm not feeling good, i have a tendency to act like a suction cup, and just glue myself to the significant other of the moment. when i was little i used to glue myself to my parents, if they were around, or my sister if they werent, or my best friend, if that was the only option. i've always just needed that physical presence to feel better...

and right now, i dont have it. which i suppose is why i am typing all this out an advertising it to the entire world... instead of curling up with someone. and of course, i'm adding insult to injury by watching chick flicks on oxygen while ordering out for pizza because i'm too dizzy to stand at the microwave long enough to actually cook something.

i am going to reitterate something i've said several times so far... i hate this being alone thing. i hate the isolation. i'm not built for isolation. i come from a huge italian family, where dinners were made for 12 people when we were all together, and hugging and kissing abounded between everyone. we hugged and kissed hello, we hugged and kissed when we were happy, we hugged and kissed when we were sad, and we hugged and kissed goodbye... there was always someone to hug, and hold, and touch, and be with... and now... now there isnt anyone. and its miserable. and i'm miserable.

i blog therefore i am

alright, now that i've finished last week's english homework, i can properly blog my day.

today was a go out and treat myself to a day off day. a friend of mine and i went to monterey to wander through the gift shops and art galleries, and not actually buy anything... except i did buy something... a fleece jacket... because my leather jacket was too heavy, and the pullover blouse i was wearing was WAY too light.

we got lunch at this place on the old fisherman's wharf called Gilbert's... and i got what i always get in monterey, because you cant find better anywhere but maine. clam chowder in a sourdough bowl. ahhh heaven. especially on a cold, overcast, misty afternoon. and that was followed up by the cheesecake previously mentioned.

let me tell you. there is nothing quite as rewarding as a really good meal that you dont have to cook for yourself. dont get me wrong... i love to cook. i adore cooking. i even went to culinary school for a year before i had to drop out to have my son. but what i dont love is washing the dishes. actually, i hate washing dishes, and i'll do just about anything to get out of doing it. yes... you heard right... short of causing someone physical harm, or something illegal, i will do anything to get out of washing dishes.

but anyway... so today was beautiful. i love that cold overcast misty weather that always seems to shroud monterey whenever i go there. and i love sitting on the rocks and watching seals and sea otters, and the way that the surf slides over the rocks at high tide is magical... especially since today, for the first time ever, i got to see a real live jelly fish swimming out in the open. i've seen them in aquariums before, and i've seen them washed up on the beach, but i've never actually seen one alive, in the honest to goodness ocean before. the poor thing had gotten itself lost in the marina, and was desperately trying to find its way back to deeper water. it was beautiful, and sad at the same time. and then, as we were walking down cannery row, we came across a singer performing in one of the outdoor seating areas. she was singing ella fitzgerald and pasty cline songs. i love the music from that era, especially ella fitzgerald. its romantic, and it makes me want to dance. but i had no one to dance with... and i sure as hell wasnt going to dance on my own... lol. oh well.

so i had my well deserved break from normal life... and now i'm dead tired. i thought i had kicked the cold i had earlier this week, but its trying to come back in the form of a fever and body aches... so i'm going to try to get some sleep before starting my week again. nytol, and sweet dreams :)

my cheesecake orgasm

some people lust after chocolate. some lust after hard candies, or ice cream. me? cheesecake is my undoing. and today, i had the best cheesecake of my life.

This was the thickest, creamiest, most awesome raspberry cheesecake... not too sweet, not too bitter, melt in your mouth, close your eyes and savor every last crumb cheesecake. grip the table, get you wet, better than sex cheesecake. slow building, long lasting, muscle spasming orgasmic cheesecake.

yes... high praises for a cheesecake... but... omg... it was like nothing i've ever experienced... and its left me wanting more. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

my previous marriage -- readers digest style

alright, so here i am again, up way later than i really should be, unable to convince myself to sleep, because once again, there is no one but me in my bed. i'm really getting sick of this living alone thing. get this... i'm so desperate for company, i asked my ex out to dinner! this is not necessarily a surprising thing, its an amicable split, and we're better friends now than we ever were. so i suppose here is where i give the intimate details of my previous marriage and why it ended... although, i know my ex reads this blog... so i'm reluctant to say too much. eh fuk it. its not like any of it would be a shock to him... i mean, i'm not going to say anything here that he hasnt already heard.

okay, so i met my ex just after i graduated high school... where? oh well thats the fun part. in a chat room! yes yes, i know, incredibly geeky and nerdy of me right? well you know, i've always been pretty much of a shy awkward introvert, so meeting people in chat rooms is just about the only way i meet people except through work or school. anyway... so we went out for a couple months... and by going out, i mean i spent the weekend with him at his parents house just about every weekend. i loved him. i still do actually. but unfortunately, it wasnt the right kind of love i guess. he asked me to marry him, and me being the delusional barely adult that i was, said yes, because i thought that this was as good as it was going to be, because i didn't know anything about love, or relationships thanx to my dysfunctional divorced parents and their messed up families, because i was deathly afraid of being alone, and i thought that marrying someone i loved would fix that.

before we actually got married though, i got pregnant. well, that will happen when one is young, and stupid, and thinks they're going to be spending the rest of their life with someone. we didnt get married then either, but we did move in together, and have our baby, and play house for almost a year. then of course, shit happened, and being young and stupid and poor on top of it, we moved into his parents house, whereupon we did actually get married. we stayed there way too long. way way too long. and love eventually turned into resentment. i blamed him for where i was, for how things were, for my own misconceptions. we fought. and fought. and fought. until the fighting spilled over into fighting with his family too, and i finally got a job, and we moved out.

it was great while we were both working, and had a place of our own. blissful almost. we never saw eachother, and therefore, didnt fight. i found my niche at work, and stayed happy there, loving my job, loving that it meant i didnt have to see my husband during the day. i gloried in the fact that i was only working part time, and i was making just as much, if not more, than he was. i gloried in the fact that i was becoming self sufficient. and then he shattered the little bit of trust i had in him, and told me that he'd lied to me, that he'd hidden something from me, that when we were first going out, he'd read my journal. i know, that doesnt sound like a huge deal right? well, to me it was. i am an extremely private person. my feelings are my feelings, and i dont typically share them with anyone. (this blog is a huge exception to that particular rule... but then, i've been breaking that rule a lot lately. long story, meant for another post at another time). my journal was the only place i felt safe putting all those stray thoughts and feelings that i couldnt share anywhere else. it was my outlet, my sanctuary. and he shattered that. he took that outlet from me, stole my sanctuary and defiled it, and had the gall to question me about what i'd written... to me, it was tantamount to rape. (yes that is a very strong word. i know it. i used it on purpose. if y'all have a problem with it, thats your problem, keep it to yourself). i didnt feel safe anymore. i couldnt trust him anymore. and i couldnt write anymore.

then he lost his job. and i went to work full time, in the same job, still loving it. he stayed home with our son, and played housewife for a while. and that was okay too, for a while... until i started to wonder why, if he was playing housewife, the dishes didnt get done, and the laundry didnt get washed, and the toys didnt get picked up... all the while, my job was getting more and more intense, more and more stressful, and i still had to come home and cook dinner, and take care of the bills, and push him to do the things that (i felt) he would do on his own if he really gave a shit about me. mainly, get a job. i started to feel used. and i suppose, to a degree, i was. but only because i let myself be. so we fought some more. and some more. and some more. and we stopped sleeping together. and then we stopped talking much at all. and it was like living alone... except, i wasnt alone... and that just made it worse.

i felt neglected, unappreciated, unloved, unwanted, and used. and i started to realize that i didnt really need him. nor did i really want him anymore either. i realized i had settled, out of fear, out of a desire to have someone take care of me. but i could take care of myself. i was taking care of him! not the other way round.

pretty soon things were just so bad, so distant, so lacking, that i asked for a divorce... which he reluctantly agreed to. he still loved me, he said. but i didnt believe that. not one bit. so i pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and made him agree. well... a couple months after that, i did the whole getting scared of being alone thing again, and changed my mind... asked for an open relationship for a while instead, because neither of us was giving eachother what we needed... and he agreed to that, again, reluctantly. but after a while, he found a girlfriend. and everything was good... for a while. until he spent valentines day weekend with her... and decided that now he wanted a divorce.

i was tired of fighting. i was tired of hurting. i was tired, of everything. i wasnt afraid of being alone anymore, i had guy friends, plenty of them. and they all treated me better than he did. so i agreed... he filed papers, a friend of ours served me with them, and immediately my ex and i stopped fighting. the pressure was off. we werent stuck with eachother for the rest of our lives. it was okay if we disagreed, because we were going our separate ways. and it was okay with me that he didnt do the stuff he was supposed to do, because i didnt have to put up with it much longer, and knowing that, i could deal with it for another little while.

so now i'm just waiting for those last few pieces of paper with the cusody agreements and financial dissolutions to be signed... and it will all be over. done with. finished. i'm happy with that. we get along great now. we talk, about just about everything, my boyfriend, his girlfriend (or lack thereof at the moment), our son... especially our son... and i've been able to see all the mistakes we made for what they were, and see him for what he really is, and not blame him anymore. we were never really meant to be anything more than friends... i can see that now, and we're both better for my realization. i love him, and always will, but as a friend. someone who i've been through some of the worst moments of my existance with, someone who i've shared some of the best moments of my existance with. he really is a good guy at heart. a great one even. and a wonderful dad. i dont think anyone could ask for a better dad actually. i wish my dad had been as attentive, and caring, and loving to me as my ex is to our son. my ex just wasnt the right guy for me. i needed what he couldnt give me. and he needed what i couldnt give him. no matter how much either of us wanted to give those things to the other.

so that is the readers digest version of my failed marriage. a happy ending, even if its not the generally preferred one. and one that has taught me a lot about myself, and allowed me the insight i need to avoid making the same stupid mistakes twice.

i am lonely... yes... miserably so... (previously mentioned boyfriend is deployed in iraq)...but maybe its only transient. maybe, if i let myself get used to it, i might end up liking myself, and liking being by myself.

procrastinating as usual

i'm supposed to be plugging away at my english homework right now. i'm a week behind actually, and not looking forward to crunch time sunday night. normally it wouldnt be an issue, except that i didnt do it last week, and that assignment is hellish. another one of those god awful "read the passages assigned and answer the moronic questions that follow it". i dont know who writes these damned english text books, but they seriously need to learn how to write decent questions. that and pick some stuff thats actually enjoyable to read to ask us questions about.

why, oh why, do i give a flying fuk about the creation myths of 6 different cultures, and what those myths mean about the cultures, in relation to eachother? easy answer? i dont! which is why the assignment is so hard. i dont give a rats ass about the differences between christianity and shintoism based solely on one smidgen of a story from each. give me an overview of the entire religion, let me study them both in depth, then, and only then, will i feel that i have the right to make a judgement about their differences and similarities. but based just on a three-quarter page snippet of each's mythology? are you kidding? thats just a ridiculous request. absolutely insane. not to mention, all the questions are, instead of a single question, actually 4 or 5 questions... which means each question takes a page to answer... and i have to answer 6... so really about 20 or 30... argh. and then, on top of that, i have the current assignment, which is to read a chapter in a real book -- The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell -- and respond to it. i love that book. its so awesome. it always gets me thinking so so so much about everything, god, religion, society, life, dreams, love, everything important. and we're allowed to write whatever we want! whatever comes to mind after reading it! i love that kind of assignment. but unfortunately it takes time... and time is the one thing i never seem to have enough of, at least, when i need time. if i dont have anything i need to do, time is always in abundance. but the moment i need to do like 7 things yesterday, time just goes *poof* and i run circles like a chicken with its head cut off.... blah.

and yes, i know, instead of writing this blog, complaining my ass off, i could actually be doing the work and getting it out of the way... but if i did that, i wouldnt be procrastinating now would i? and procrastination is my middle name (okay, not literally, but you know what i mean). besides, i work best when the clock is ticking. and so far, the one hour count down hasnt started yet. hehe.

i think im gonna go veg in front of the tv now (hum i'm already in front of the tv... gotta love laptops), and just let my mind wander. either that or take a nap. ahhhhhhhh naps... wonderful things... such a waste of time, but so well worth it.

cute co-worker update

alright, so i found out what was up with the cute co-worker. no, i didnt piss her off, no she didnt want to ask me out. she wanted some advice, as well as a shoulder to cry on, about a situation with her supervisor (also a co-worker of mine). i'm not going to go into it right now, as its long, and drawn out, and horribly sad and depressing. its something that i'm dealing with as well, which is why she came to me... i'm just glad i could be there for her, and offer her the moral support she needed, as well as a hug :)

my clothes are too big, again! dammit!

alright... so i'm an addict... i admit it... this blogging thing has me hooked. dont ask me why. maybe its that its fun to post my random thoughts and have people respond to them, or maybe i just like to see myself published on a website... fiik.

so i was just walking down the hall, and one of my friends here at work (we'll just call her S) says to me "hey there skinny!" which, i think is laughable, because i'm no where near skinny... even if i have lost about 30 lbs in the past 9 months... and then she proceeds to point out that the jeans i'm wearing are too big. well they are. i need to go out and buy a couple pairs of smaller ones AGAIN. you know, i know i shouldnt complain about that, but jeans are expensive, and its a strain on my wallet to have to go buy new ones every 3 or 4 months. and no, i cant just go buy the walmart specials... i'm too damned tall for them, and they never fit right anyway cuz my hips are so much wider than my waist.

I know, you're wondering "what? what the hell does this girl look like? and how hard can it be to find a pair of jeans that fits?" well... since i absolutely refuse to post a picture (i abhor pictures of myself, and only take them when specifically asked for one by someone i love dearly)... heres a brief run down on the physical me:

5'8"
dark brown curly (or frizzy, depending on the day) hair
green eyes (they change color with my mood -- stay AWAY if they turn brown!!)
extremely fair skin (yes, i glow in the dark, thank you)
195lbs (was 225 in dec. 03)
38C/D (it so depends on the bra, i swear, why cant they make them all fit the same??)
38 waist (was 42 in dec. 03)
48 hips (dont even ask what THAT was in dec. 03, i wasnt brave enough to measure)
34 inseam (yes i'm ALL legs... lol)

alright... i think thats enough insight into how i look... gads... yes, y'all have my permission to run away screaming :P

gotta get back to work.

ever get that feeling that you've misplaced your brain?

okay, so its a little early in the morning for me to be wasting time already, but i just got the strangest phone call...

a woman i work with, who is slightly higher on the totem pole than i am, called me, and said "i have something i wanted to talk to you about, but its slightly personal in nature, so maybe when you take a break this afternoon, we could talk then?" i, of course, agreed immediately, and she thanked me and hung up.

now, i have an extremely over active imagination, so my mind is running a mile a minute trying to figure out what on earth she could possibly want to talk to me about that is so personal that she wants to wait til i'm on break.

have i done something to piss her off? does she need advice about something? is she into chicks, and wants to ask me out?? not that i'd mind, shes really cute and all, but... yeah, so you see i'm obsessing about this now. what could she possibly want to talk to me about? its not like we're friends or anything. we're cordial and friendly at work, just like we're supposed to be. but we dont hang out after work (not that i'd have time to even if i wanted to), and we dont talk about our personal lives much, except to say that we're both soooooooooo tired all the time. i guess i'm just going to have to wait until this afternoon to find out what's up. god i hate suspense like that. it drives me nuts.

meanwhile, i cant remember if i shut off my computer at home before i left for work, and i'm not about to take 2 hrs off work just to go home, check, then come back... again, i'm just going to have to wait and find out. ACK. well now i know about the computer... i just got an IM from someone laughing cuz i forgot to shut things down at home, and left yahoo running... doh! well at least now i know, and the curiosity wont drive me insane. but man i feel like a dork. i've been so ultra forgetful lately... all this week i kept forgetting to bring pencils to class with me, and ended up having to take my notes in pen (which i hate to do cuz i cant erase the stuff i write down wrong, and i end up with little scribbles all over the danged page). AND i forgot to bring my meds with me to work today so i could get the prescription refilled on my way home... i guess thats just gonna have to wait til tomorrow. no stress, i've got til sunday before i'm completely out.

ever get that feeling like you've misplaced your entire brain? yeah. thats me right now.