thanksgiving, and the ensuing events.

thanksgiving for me this year was hell. not that i didnt enjoy going to my mom's and hanging out with my sister (who i never get to see) and doing a puzzle all day... but this was the first year i have spent thanksgiving away from my son.

growing up, i alternated holidays at my mom's and dad's. i never thought much of it. i never bothered to think how they might feel about the situation. now i know. its hell. sheer living hell. holidays are all about spending time with family... and i wasn't allowed to have the most important part of my family with me, not even for one minute of the day, not even for a phone call. i had thought i would be alright. i thought it wouldnt matter so much. i've never much been one for holidays anyway... but i wasn't alright, and it did matter ever so much, and suddenly what used to be a convenient excuse to hang with my sister, and play with the cats, turned into... something dreadfully depressing.

after my mom dropped me back home thursday night, i fell into that pit... and stayed there until i got myself drunk on friday night, forcing myself into the manic high that cures all ills. of course, being chemically induced, it didnt last longer than that night... and the depression was of course even worse when i woke up the next day. thus saturday's morbid post. i'll admit... i was walking the edge. and there is a fine line between depression and suicidal tendencies... and on saturday that line was a very very fine line indeed. but saturday came to an end, and sunday my friend forced me to get dressed and dragged me outta my apt to go do my field research that i didnt really wanna do at all... but it was good. getting dressed helped. getting out of the house helped. the european lunch we had (wine included) helped. and by the time i got home, i was in a pretty decent mood. a mood so decent that i actually accepted an invite out for dinner. cool beans for me huh? not a bad night at all.

today though.... today was... is... wow. i'm flying. wanna guess why? wanna guess who i finally heard from? yes! you're right! turns out that all this time, my army boy was on a BOAT. he wasnt home at all! well heck. all that worrying for nothing. sheesh. but yeah so he emailed me this morning, then called me twice, and hes gonna call me tonite after i get home... i'm so amazingly happy right at this moment that it actually hurts. i have never been so happy that i've cried in public... until today... wow talk about embarassing... sitting at my desk in tears for reasons unknown to anyone else... thank god people ignored it!

so yeah, all is right with the world again. and i have a feeling its gonna stay that way for a while this time :)

nothing and no one

so here i am, on a weekend for once. this is rare. i'm avoiding my homework at the moment, as i have been all week... i cant bring myself to touch it. i keep looking at the stack of papers i have to go through, to work on, and eventhough i know i must do the work now, i cannot bring myself to even lift one finger towards them. i cant bring myself to do much of anything at the moment. i'm lost in that pit of despair... the one in which all actions seem pointless. nothing matters. nothing feels good. everything feels empty. meaningless.

i dont even care that i am alone. it doesnt matter. everything is grey and worthless.
i was manic yesterday. beautifully wonderfully manic. flying. feeling. feeling good. feeling great. a force of nature... and now, now its gone. i slept, and its gone. i woke up empty. devoid of purpose. no motivation to even move. no sense of self. at this moment, i am no one and nothing. i see myself as if from far away. everything is distant. shallow. thin and lacking cohesiveness. it is as if i am viewing things from behind a veil of thick fog.

i need something to snap me out of this. someone to wake my slumbering heart. to make me feel good. to force me to feel good. but there is no one.

in my post about wanting to go home, someone left a comment saying that "home is where the heart is." well... i know where my heart is. its no longer in my posession. i handed it away on a cutting board, with a heavy cleaver to go along with it... and prayed that it would stay whole. i havent seen it since. and i am empty. lost. without purpose.

i wander through life as a zombie would... only doing what i do because i have to. only going to work because i have to. only eating because i have to. sleeping because there is nothing else to do. living because my heart refuses to stop beating, because my lungs refuse to stop breathing.

there is nothing, and no one... not for me.

oh my god, will it never cease??

Parental Discretion Advised -- this post contains excessive profanity. please read at your own risk.

alright dammit. i've had it about up to here *marks the air above her head with her fingers*. all these assinine excuses for parents need to be wiped off the face of the planet.

i am referring to the couple mentioned here as STARVING their 14 month old child to death. their house was FULL of food! its not like they were poor and just couldnt buy anything... the house was fucking full of goddamned food, and they let their baby starve to death! they had to have physically withheld food, blocked him from getting it, cuz i know when my son was hungry, even at that young age, if i wasnt fast enough getting him something to eat, he found something on his own. i dont understand what the hell is going on here. i dont get why there is suddenly a rash of parents who are murdering their children, mistreating their children in such horrific manners. abortion is legal folks, you didnt have to have the child in the first place. and if you actually wanted that baby, why arent you loving it, and cherishing it, and caring for it with every ounce of your being? WHY? why purposefully bring such a beautiful piece of life into the world, and then torture, abuse, and kill it? WHY?

i just dont get it. i'm just completely and totally stumped. what a fucking waste.

another one???

Parental Discretion Advised -- this post contains excessive profanity. please read at your own risk.

holy shit! theres like an epidemic of idiotic inept negligent parents out there! i just read another story about a mother locking her son in the trunk of her car while she and her boyfriend went to a bar and partied!

what the fuck is WRONG with these people???

friggin outraged

Parental Discretion Advised -- this post contains depictions of graphic violence and excessive profanity. please read at your own risk.

i was crusing the blog-verse this morning, avoiding work as usual, when i came across a post that riled me up something fierce. the post linked to a story about a woman who CUT OFF HER CHILD'S ARMS. what in the fuck?? i dont care how frigging depressed you are, you dont hurt a baby. EVER. under ANY circumstance. this woman, and i hesitate to refer to her as anything resembling a human being, was "suffering from postpartum depression" and therefore cut off the arms of her 11 month old baby girl. fuck! you know, i've been pretty goddamned depressed, but the only person i ever even dreamed of fucking killing was myself. never ever ever EVER would i dream of thinking of hurting my son, my baby, my everything. thats part of being a mother dammit. but no. this... this... abomination took out her depression on her defenseless child. who couldnt even fucking walk. she tortured the baby. TORTURED her. can you imagine? cuz i sure as fuck cant. how? HOW could she have done that? HOW could she have gone against every maternal instinct, every ounce of value of human life, every ounce of love and affection that women have? how how how?

as parents, its our sole purpose in life, above anything and everything else, to care for and protect our children. even from ourselves if need be. so how in the name of god's green earth could this woman harm her baby in any possible way? how could she dismember her own child? how? and you know what? fuck that. forget how. WHY? what in the world would cause her to do it? i cant fathom it. i dont WANT to fucking fathom it. i am so shocked. so appalled. so outraged. so fucking angry. you just dont DO that! children are innocents! they havent had the chance to do anything wrong! to hurt them, purposefully... to damage them... to torture and kill them... is... is... EVIL. its INHUMAN. i dont think the devil himself is capable of such malice!

oh oh, and heres the friggin kicker. shes blaming it on the postpartum depression to get out of getting the damned death penalty. i'm sorry, but if anyone deserves the death penalty, it is this woman. and i hope to god she burns in hell for all of eternity too. fuck. i just cant believe this shit. what in the hell is this world coming to? what in the fuck is wrong with people?

jesus fucking christ. i just cant get over this shit. i'm angry. i'm so very very angry. and sickened. i'd like to cut her arms off and see how she likes it... but no, no, this is a "humane" society. we dont do the whole "eye for an eye" thing anymore. well dammit, maybe we fucking should. maybe we should go back to cutting off people's hands for stealing, and executing them for murdering people, and dismembering them for dismembering people... i'd like to see this woman drawn and quartered actually. because of the shock and fear and pain she put her baby through... that poor poor child... what she must have been thinking... that her own mother would torture her, and hurt her in such a way... my god... my god... *sigh*

wanting to go home

i keep finding myself wanting to go home, but i dont really know where that is. its not my apartment. its not either of my parent's houses. its like i've been searching for this place my entire life, and not finding it...

maybe home isnt a place. maybe home is a feeling.

what do i want

i'm out of sorts today [more so than usual, yes, thank you for pointing out that i'm always out of sorts]. the last little bits of yesterday's migraine is still hanging around causing me a slight loss of equilibrium... but thats not it really. i'm getting rather used to that.

i think its more that ive been noticing a theme in the conversations i have, and the blogs and websites i read regularly [no, they're not all listed over there on the sidebar. there are some that i read that i will not be advertising to you folks]. it all seems to revolve around what i want. or rather, in the case of the blogs, what THEY want, which makes me think about what i want. relationship wise that is, not what i want for lunch [which i already had, btw. korean bbq spicy chicken over rice, with kim che, salad, and a tempura potato slice. ummmmmmmm my fave].

well what i want... i dont know. no thats wrong. i do know. i just dont know if its actually obtainable. i thought i had it for a moment there, but as things are turning out, it seems i was dreadfully mistaken [that is still subject to debate... the whole not knowing thing... no communication thing... its easier to just assume the worst and be done with it though so thats rather what i'im doing]. so what do i want? oh its simple enough. so simple that i have no idea why its so hard to get ahold of.

i want someone...

...to come home to
...to wake me up when i fall asleep doing course work on the living room floor, and help me to bed.
...to hug and hold me when i've had a hard day, week, month, or year.
...who loves me because of my flaws, not in spite of them.
...to be strong for me when i just cant be anymore.
...to take care of me when i need to be taken care of, even if i wont admit it.
...who appreciates me for whats inside my head, as well as whats inside my clothes.
...that i can trust, with anything and everything.
...that i can respect and admire.
...who makes it their mission in life to make me smile.
...who makes me feel loved.
...who makes me feel safe.
...who wont betray me.
...who wont abandon me.

is all that really too much to ask for? really?

ah the wonders of modern education

so i spent most of this weekend being domestic and all that fun stuff... dishes... grocery shopping... dishes... cooking [pancakes from scratch -- no box mixes in MY house thank you! and spaghetti with meat sauce -- yes the meat sauce was from scratch too. no, i did not make the pasta from scratch. its just not cost effective, or time efficient. and yes, those were two separate meals. please people, remember, you're talking to (erm... reading?) someone who went to culinary school!]... dishes... gads, dishes. i'm sick of washing dishes. i need a frigging dish washer. i had my son though, so that was fun. he helped me with the groceries, picking out which type of salad we wanted, which kind of dressing to buy, which apples to get, that kind of thing. admittedly he was severely dissappointed by the stores lack of "car carts" but what 5 year old boy wouldnt be? [car carts -- shopping carts with playskool ride in cars in the front. ingenius design in my opinion. i mean gosh, what could possibly make taking your kids to the store easier than letting them ride in a race car while you do your shopping?] i was a little dissappointed myself, cuz instead of riding in the cart where he was safely out of the way, he wandered around getting into all sorts of trouble [okay, not really, but hey... its the potential that i was worried about, not the actual]. dont get me wrong, KG is an angel [KG -- see The Kindergeek Chronicles for more details about KG] most of the time, but he's hyper as all get out, and frankly, mom just cant keep up. not after running on 4 hours sleep a night for the past... oh... semester. hah. but he's really growing up... to the point that i can send him to get stuff for me in the store without much in the way of supervision. case in point, the cookie aisle was just next to where i was in line for the check out, so to keep KG active and unbored, and not crashing our cart into the poor woman in front of us, i sent him on a mission to pick out cookies while i stayed put. took him three tries to find something that wasnt sugar free or fat free, but as always third time's the charm, and he brought back some double fudge sandwich cookies that are now sitting in my cupboard calling to me even while i'm here at work. [i resisted their wiles and temptuous ways all weekend dammit, i'm not about to give in now!! no cookies for me! bad carbs, bad carbs! LOL].

sunday however was relegated to me doing a research paper for Geography. [Geography?? yes... geography is a college class. let me clarify. Physical Geography -- Earth Systems. reminiscent of the "stupid" science in high school, aka earth science, only much much harder. no, we are not learning about states and capitals. we are learning about weather systems, and earthquakes and volcanoes, and how fog forms, and what causes errosion, and shit like that.] it took about 10 times as long as i thought it was going to [meaning i thought it was going to take me an hour, and it took 10 instead], but i did finally get it done with the help of about a half a bottle of a really great australian shiraz. [Black Swan, for those of you who care to know, and for those of you who have no clue what i'm talking about, thats red wine. yeah yeah, doing homework while tipsy does not guarantee one an A, but it does guarantee one a lot more fun at least!] and yes, i'm finally getting to the title of this post. guess what? i don't have to print it out. i took my .wpd, published it to .pdf, and burned it to a CD. woohoo! [why not just email it? dont ask me, i didnt make the rules. but i AM asking about that for the next one] goodness. i remember a time when to put graphics into a report, you had to cut out the paper they were on, and glue them to the pages of your report, then type around them on a type writer... man. i must say, not turning in something hard copy does make me a little bit nervous. but i'm so not gonna print all those color maps and legends... talk about a waste of ink... and so not worth my time, or my money. besides, this was my first time using the CD burner on my new laptop... wow. [yes, i am awed at my own technical proficiencies. can you blame me? come on. you know i deserve applause... ] hopefully i successfully awe my instructor with my desktop publishing skills to the point that he doesnt notice that the content of my paper is complete and utter drivel, except for the part where i totally kiss ass... [i'm getting all together too skilled at kissing ass... its starting to scare me. will i wake up one morning to find my nose a lovely shade of burnt umber?? oh god i hope not, that would totally clash with the rest of my complexion]

anyway... i'd better get back to these damned invoices. you know, i really hate how these things never seem to go away. just as soon as i think i've paid everything, more things show up to be paid for! thank goodness i get to use someone else's money to take care of it all, or i'd be having a triple by-pass by now!

i suppose here's a good place to explain kinda what i do [for those of you who dont know already that is]. i say kinda, because, well, if i told you everything, you'd be staring at me with a blank stare on your face, your chin on the floor, and drooling from lack of comprehension. we all know by now that i work at a university. i fall into the class [yeah... class... sure... the invisible class...] of employee called "clerical" or "administrative support". personally, i prefer clerical, cuz, well, it just sounds... less like a bra. anyway. so i work for UC Berkeley. but i work in the accounting office of a research lab. [i'd say which one, but well, you might be able to figure out who i am, and come pester me or stalk me or something else equally horrendous of that nature] the fancy way to explain my job is to say that "i administrate research contracts" which, while true, isnt all together accurate. i am accounts payable, accounts receivable, a cashier, a file clerk, an auditor, an accountant, a janitor, and a baby sitter all rolled into one. yeah most of that is self explanitory... janitor and babysitter though, well those are interesting, and the ones i spend most of my time doing. janitor -- i spend my entire day cleaning up the mistakes and messes that other people have made, accounting wise. babysitter -- i hold the hand of my "superiors" whenever something simple comes up, and take over completely when something complicated comes up. i clean up after them, play games with them [big bureaucratic games -- and only because they require it of me, i.e. winding my way through the maze of red tape they have laid out, or jumping through hoops that they hold up for me], read them stories [basically tell them things the way they want to hear it, and in essence, kissing ass some more *sigh*], and try my best to get them to sleep [the hell out of my hair] and keep them that way when ever humanly possible. I handle, on my own, over 275 active accounts. that doesnt include the accounts that are supposed to be inactive, but for one reason or another, have some long overdue problem which causes them to become active again. i work directly for 9 people. [yes, you read that right. i have 9 overlords. do you SEE why i contemplate suicide??]. one of those people is my official supervisor. the other 8 are people who are higher ranking on the buraucratic totem pole than i am, and hand work to me to do. generally their work. i am of course required to do said work, as they are higher up than i am [note, these are the same people that i spend all day cleaning up after and babysitting]. i do the job of 3+ people. and i do it better than anyone else here. i know more too, which bothers me sometimes, because i end up doing yet another job that is NOT in my job description -- playing help desk. [got a tech problem? call tess. got an accounting problem? call tess. got a medical problem? call tess. cant figure out a basic level report? call tess, eventhough you make about 4 times as much as she does, and have been in your job longer than she's even been alive... GRRRR]. oh, and while i work at one of the most prestigious technological universities in the WORLD, i am relegated to hardcopy files. yes. HARD COPY. stacks and stacks of paper, 4 filing cabinets worth a year, thousands and thousands of trees a day. is there something wrong with this picture?? no document imaging equipment? why are we not doing everything by .pdf? hell, if i can turn in my homework on CD, why the hell cant i have last years invoices on CD?? oh the idiocy.

anyway... welcome to my life

[not that i'm complaining or anything... *ahem*]

a new distraction

well, i have found yet another distraction [like i needed one, sheesh]. i've now got not one, but two [yes, two, what of it?] stat tracking proggies for my blog. each one had a couple features different than the other, so i got both. [hey, they're free, so who cares?]

one of them says that someone someplace near new zealand is reading my blog... the other doesnt recognize that particular event for some reason... maybe the first one is hallucinating, it doesnt log IP addresses. the second one does however, which is totally cool, cuz i can see who visited me, and how long they stayed and how they got here.

let me just say, i was shocked. i didnt know so many random people from all over the US read this thing. i mean, i knew my immediate friends did... but wow. theres someone from the universtity of wisconsin, madison who shows up daily - for the past two days anyway [hi hi whoever you are :) hope this all is entertaining for ya :)]

on to other tech related nonsense... it is really disturbing how much information is dumped onto a website when you visit it. in fact, having my own site meter [WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY down there at the very bottom for those of you who are interested in seeing how many hits i've had since Nov. 17] has made me quite wary of how many times i hit my favorite blog sites for updates. i mean, gosh, i dont wanna seem like a stalker or anything! i've already had one experience where someone wondered about the berkeley.edu IP that was hitting their site on a regular basis... um... yes right out there in a blog post... talk about putting me on the spot [wisconsin, no worries, and no pressure :) i was just using you as an example, not trying to pressure you to speak out or anything like that -- not that i'd mind some comments every now and again *wink wink*]. but yeah, that particular happening prompted me to wonder what kind of hits *--I--* was getting, and put up a site meter, and a "data archiving system" from re_invigorate to quench my curiosity.

until i put these up, and checked the stats on a... um... well... hourly basis [yes, yes, i am pathetic, but having fun with my new toy. it will wear off eventually, i promise, and i will go for weeks without checking stats -- of course, site meter emails me a report every week, so i dont HAVE to check the stats if i dont want to go out of my way...*ahem*] i didnt realize how much information goes along with that one action of bringing up a web page. you give out all sorts of info, like your IP, your browser, your OS, what time zone you're in, what language is your default, if you clicked a link to get to the site, what resolution your screen is set at, if cookies are enabled on your computer... sheesh. who knew.

so yeah, now i'm paranoid about going to websites repeatedly during the day. i mean, gosh, its not like a berkeley.edu domain on my IP is inconspicuous or something... in fact, it rather sticks out like a sore thumb. from home, well, i blend in as just another pacbell.net IP amongst the masses. bleh. i much prefered blog surfing when i thought i was just an anonymous mouseclick... *sigh* leave it to technology to take the fun out of the blog-verse... [except when it comes to my own site hits of course *wink wink*]

and yes, i'm shirking work, and shirking getting some info for a friend that i'd promised to get her weeks ago... and shirking just about anything productive at the moment, to monitor my blog traffic, and blog about my blog traffic [lol. that sounds funny... dont ask me why...]. i need a break sometimes you know? [erm, besides my actual breaks of course... two fifteen minute breaks are NOT enough i tell you! they're just NOT! *stamps her feet and shakes her fists*] gosh. dont be all judgemental about it, please. [okay, so you haven't yet, but well, i have a feeling someone will be eventually, so i'm just hedging my bets here :P]

anyway... someone's gonna be realllllllllly pissed off if i dont get these invoices approved for payment... [namely the vendors... who i dont really care about, since most of them are HUGE companies that are getting paid with the money that they originally donated to us... erm... so why didnt they just give us the equipment outright, instead of making a buracratic nightmare for me? who knows... maybe cash is a bigger tax write-off -- something to ask my business prof about] ... so i should really be getting back to work for the next hour and a half, or until i decide to leave, which might be any minute at this rate. its friday, hardly anyone else is here, who's gonna notice? [oh right, the people not getting their payments cuz i didn't process them yet. damn. *sigh*]

wow...

umm... gosh guys... i thought you all knew by now how totally and utterly fatalistic i can be at times... and that its nothing to worry about... but uh... all the IM's and emails and things... really, i'm okay. thanks for giving a shit tho :)

now... to calm all your fears that i'm gonna curl up in a ball and hide in the bottom of my closet for a month or two, or that i'm gonna toss myself off the top of Evans Hall here on campus, or stop eating and sleeping or something equally as ridiculous... i'm not.

[brief history lesson: Evans Hall on UCB campus is famous for being the most popular suicide spot for frustrated students who are failing and cant bring themselves to tell their parents. every year, 2 or 3 people throw themselves from the top of the 15-20 story building, and plummet to their very very messy deaths on the concrete below. and the numbers are only that low now because someone got smart and made it so you needed a key card to get to the roof. the insanely determined and desperate still manage to find their ways to the balconies of the upper floors however, maintaining this horrific building's reputation. it really doesnt help that the thing looks like a cross between a prison and a mental institution... maybe if they changed the color to a nice soothing blue, instead of slate grey with olive green accents... hmmm... ]

if theres one thing thats apparent about the blog-verse [as i like to call it], it is the most theraputic venting forums in the history of mankind [or if you're all PC and stuff, personkind]. just like most people out there with personal blogs, i use this thing to vent, to scream, to cry, when i'm not allowed to actually do any of those things, or when theres no one around to listen. i also tend to just freewrite a lot of the time, and ramble out all the weird fukt up shit thats going on in my head. thats why i seem like a crazed lunatic on here most of the time [okay, so i really am a crazed lunatic, its just that i hide it better in RL]

so yeah... i feel shitty. i do have horrible paranoid fears. that they might come true depresses me. but all that is kinda normal for me... i freak out about nothing all the time. so its all good. i'll survive. i always do.

and you all are just awesome too -- big huge bear hugs to all y'all *grin* [oh my god, did i just say "all y'all"? just shoot me... someone... please... ]

sad sappy song lyrics

again... how i feel right now...

Norah Jones -- Turn Me On

Like a flower waiting to bloom
Like a lightbulb in a dark room
I'm just sitting here waiting for you
To come home and turn me on

Like the desert waiting for the rain
Like a school kid waiting for the spring
I'm just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on

My poor heart, it's been so dark since you been gone
After all, you're the one who turns me off
You're the only one who can turn me back on

My hi-fi's waiting for a new tune
The glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes
I'm just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on
Turn me on

for everyone who keeps asking...

no, i still have not heard anything from my army boy, and i'm starting to doubt that i will...

i've done my research and found out that his entire brigade is home, and has been home since a few days after i last talked to him.

i'm glad he's home safe, and thats my one solace in not having heard a single thing from him since then.

its been 3 weeks... and the more time that goes by... the less able i am to find any sort of rationalization for why i havent heard anything. the less i'm able to find the ability to hope for the best.

i've never been a very positive person to begin with. i'm a pessimist and a cynic. always have been, always will be. but this has been a learning experiece for me at the very least. i've learned that its possible for me to be hopeful about a dreadful situation. that i dont always have to focus on the worst scenario. its a lot of effort for me, but for the past 5 1/2 months, i've done it. but now... i'm reaching my limits of positive and hopeful thinking... especially when in talking to a friend/co-worker, she echoed my worst fears...

i'm drained. i dont have the energy to keep myself in good spirts anymore. i dont have the energy to keep trying to see the positive side of things. i dont have the energy to keep hoping. waiting is easy. as long as i dont have to think good thoughts while i do it... so now, instead of waiting for a "i'm back, and i'm coming to see you, i cant wait to see you" email or phone call, i'm waiting for a "i'm sorry, i've changed my mind" email or phone call. those are easy to wait for, since you never really want to get them...

maybe now i wont be checking my email frantically every 10 minutes, and dashing to check my voicemail the moment i walk in the door, or worrying about whether or not web messenger is working well enough for him to send me an IM...

oh, and for all of you who haven't checked out the links over there --->
click the "love is a cunt" one. thats how i'm feeling right now.

waiting sucks @ss

still no word from my army boy.

i can only assume that he's home. most of his brigade is. i only know this because i have started to obsessively comb the internet for information out of extreme neurotic worry.

its been two and a half weeks since we talked. two and a half weeks since i reassured him that i thought he would be coming home soon. two and a half weeks since he said "ditto" [yes, like in Ghost... its so adorable... ]. two and a half weeks since i've been able to witness what kind of an effect i have on him; how happy i make him. two and a half weeks since i've had a clue about whether or not he's okay.

yesterday i came home to find a strange message on my voicemail... someone breathing out really hard, just once, [seemingly in frustration, not like, obscene phone call kind of heavy breathing] then hanging up. the number came up as "unknown caller" [which could mean anything really, but leave me to jump to the conclusion that it means its a long distance call from a land line] so i have to wonder if it might have been him trying to get in touch with me...

silly yes. but i'm so anxious to see him. its been almost six months since we started talking. [yes, typically female of me to remember that isnt it? and get this, i even know the exact date... 5/27/2004... wow scary] almost six months of not seeing him. almost six months of waiting and worrying and caring and loving and wanting and needing and lusting... [sorry if that was tmi for anyone... this is my blog, imma say it if i want to] and really its alot about the worrying. i'm beyond good at worrying, i know it, and so does everyone else. i worry about him constantly, and i would love to have the peace of mind of knowing that he's at home finally, away from the mortars and the grenades and the rifle rounds and the roadside mini-bombs and the snipers and the terrorists and the insurgents and the 20 ft walls that are just so easy to fall off of [he'd know what i was talking about, and laugh, then say "ooooh we got jokes! come on, bring it. whatcha got huh?" with a myriad of spelling errors and that adorable little way of spelling huh as "hugh", and me drowning in laughter... *sigh* dammit i miss him.]

sometimes i feel like a fool for feeling this strongly for someone that i've never even seen in person [or even on a webcam for that matter... he's seen me on a webcam... surprised the danged thing didnt break... oh wait... it did recently... hmmmm]. sometimes i feel like a fool for feeling this strongly no matter what the situation. but i just cant help it. and its times like these, when its impossible for me to think of anyone, or anything, but him. times like these where i wish to god he were here, even if just to calm my stupid irrational fears about what might possibly have happened to him.

let me tell you the thing that proved to me that i would fall hopelessly in love with this man... its a silly little thing, and you're going to laugh your head off and call me a freak, but thats okay.

the first time he saw me on cam... the very first time... we were talking, and being silly, and maybe even flirting a little bit [okay, so we were flirting a lot. what of it?]... and i of course was genuinely smiling for the first time in oh, months. and he tells me that he likes that my nose goes to the right a little bit when i smile shyly. [okay, commence laughing, go ahead, its alright, i give you permission] i of course am shocked and appalled at this revelation. but he insists that he likes it, that its adorable... and proceeds to tell me how the things about people that are generally considered flaws are the things he always likes the most about them... [i adore that about him. i positively LOVE that about him. i wish more people thought that way.] but it was at that moment that he said the thing about my nose... that he noticed that little quirk about me, and liked it, and TOLD me he liked it... i knew right then and there that i was going to fall hopelessly and desperately in love with this man... that this was the man i was going to be with... well... forever.

i'm reluctant to admit that here of all places, where he could wander across it sometime without my knowing... but you know what? i dont think he'd be surprised. he reads me better than anyone i've ever known. and i think its something that he probably realizes already. and if he doesnt... well... babe, you do now dontcha? hehe. the funny thing is, everytime i say something to him that i think is going to make me seem like a raving lunatic, or a fool, or an idiot, i'm always wrong. i always seem to make him happy. i love that. that i have the ability to make him happy...

gads i am so rambling... and i need to go home... maybe i'll ramble more later.

i am now, officially, in hell.

alright. i'm pissed off.

they've locked down the network here at the office, and deleted my yahoo messenger.

i understand there are security issues. i understand that they've had problems with spyware and viruses. but none of those problems took place on MY computer. i havent downloaded anything harmful. i haven't had my computer compromised. i am one of the few people here besides tech support that are actually tech savvy, and know what the fuk i am doing when it comes to websites and downloads. why am i being punished?

because everyone else that works here is an IDIOT when it comes to the internet!!! people who have to use their computers all day every day to do their jobs. people who have to use the internet daily to do their jobs. and they know NOTHING about it. idiots.

and i lose my admin priviledges because of THEM... so can't have my yahoo installed, and am instead relegated to using the web messenger. which is a piece of shit. a crappy piece of shit that i cant even turn off my multiple profiles on, and am now getting messages from people that i dont want to talk to!! and the people that i DO want to talk to, well, their messages get lost in cyber-limbo!! *sobs pitifully*

i am now, officially, in hell.

i'm going to go cry in the rest room for the rest of the morning... *sigh*

awash in an ocean of unknowns

i dont know if any of you have figured it out yet, but i hate "the unknown".

rather, i hate not knowing what i need to know to organize my life. its the OCD. i'm one of those people who prefers to plan out the details, rather than play things by ear. i dont like surprises. i like to be prepared. i like things to be relatively concrete. sure, spontineity is great... as long as i know i'm supposed to be spontaneous, and what i'm supposed to be spontaneous about.

dont take that to mean that i'm a rigid b*tch, cuz i'm not. i like fun. fun is great. i even like meandering around with no specific destination on the occasional weekend... [but thats not concrete, you say, thats not having the details planned out... oh, but it is, if i've planned to meander around with no specific destination! see! so there! :P] its just that when it comes to a situation where i'm supposed to ... oh... have someone come stay with me, well, i generally like to know when thats going to be, and how its gonna work, a reasonable amount of time beforehand.

unfortunately, the army does not believe in concrete schedules. and even if they did, they dont believe in releasing them to the people affected by them. so here i am, waiting to see what my week is going to look like. waiting to see if i'm having someone stay with me or not. waiting... waiting... waiting... to know what in the hell is going on. and not hearing anything. from anyone. left guessing.

and as we've previously established, leaving me guessing... is a horribly bad thing to do. because i will come up with every single horrific, terrible, terrifying occurance, instead of what is more than likely actually going on. yes, i'm pessimistic. i admit it. i'm cynical too, and rather afraid of quite a lot of things. including the unknown. which, is why i hate it. again, i find myself being quite normal in this aspect of myself...

hate is born of fear you know, and fear of the unknown is the most common fear there is... thats why theres all these racial tensions everywhere. because we dont know enough about each other to not be afraid. and because we're afraid, the easiest thing to do is to hate.

well, me, i dont hate any races. thankfully i've overcome that particular normalcy. for a white chick with an upper middle class upbringing, i've been remarkably lucky in meeting someone nice, and great, and wonderful, from every race. white, black, yellow, red, whatever other color there might be [you could be fuschia, and i honestly wouldnt care, except to maybe try to find out more about you, because well, i've never seen a fuschia person before, and what must that be like???] african, asian, middle eastern, european, central american, south american, native american, regular old american... i've got aquaintences from all those places. i've had boyfriends from several of those places. very nearly had myself a girlfriend from pakistan once too... so yeah, cultural differences dont scare me. that kind of unknown doesnt scare me in the least. in fact, i find it interesting, intreguing, and all together worth my while to find out about.

its the unknown day to day things that freak me out. the whether or not the bus will be on time uknown. the am i going out this weekend or not unknown. the what on earth am i going to have for dinner uknown. the is so-and-so going to call me an idiot because i said that unknown. stupid, yes. but thats just me. i like knowing in advance what's going to be expected of me, and what i should expect from myself, and those directly around me. its a control freak kinda thing; a chronic need to have things organized and each in their own special place, a chronic need to compartmentalize.

you know those people who cant stand having the different foods on their dinner plate touch each other? i dont do that, but thats how i am with life. different things arent supposed to touch each other. work isn't supposed to get into school, and my private life isnt supposed to mix in with work... and when they start to overlap, when they start to mix, its much akin to getting your cranberry sauce mixed in with your mushroom gravy. [yes, YUK. if you like that, you're a freak, and should be banned from making food combination choices for the rest of your life -- no i'm not kidding, i feel that strongly about it!]

and lately... lately... it seems like my whole plate is just one huge ginormous [gigantic + enormous -- thank u sis] grotesque disgusting MESS. everything is running into everything else and getting all sorts churned together... its sickening, and is pushing me to the very ends of my sanity [not that i had much of it to begin with]. this is actually the first cohesive thing i've written in almost a week, i've been so totally overwhelmed.

i'm so glad that i only have one class this week. [thank GOD for veterans day, and profs who want the week off] it'll give me time to get things in order, and calm down a little bit... which i desperately need to do... even if i do have "company" this week. in fact, if i do, that'll be so much nicer... because then i'll get to calm down and be with someone i love desperately at the exact same time! *grin*

ummm... everyone cross fingers and hope things go well the next couple days... i'll be posting to let y'all know.

helpless

what do you say, when there's nothing to say?
what do you do, when there's nothing to do?
how do you heal someone's broken heart, when they don't want it healed?

i'm trying to just be there... but i'm not sure how to do that... i'm ready to listen, happy to listen, but they won't talk...

and i cant even identify, i dont know what they're feeling, i dont know how bad it hurts... i've never been through that... i've never had someone crush my heart under their heel.

i was always the one who did the crushing... a pre-emptive strike, if you will. hurting them before they could hurt me. leaving them before they could leave me.

so i dont know what to say, i dont know what to do, i dont know how to help... but i want to say something, i want to do something, i want to help somehow...

if you're reading this... tell me how... please...

short post today

bad things are happening to all the good people i know. and its depressing. why is it that all the good people always get the short end of the stick, and all the assholes always manage to do well? if someone knows the answer, let me know... i'm too sad, and too tired, to be able to think about it clearly.

weird happening of the day:
suddenly, just before 3pm, when i went out for my smoke break (one of many), it rained, then hailed, then rained, and thundered.

what is this, the mid west?? we're not supposed to get weather like that... this is "sunny" california.

joining the ranks.

i am joining the ranks. the ranks of people blogging about this blasted election that is. and you know what? my post is going to be different than all the rest, because guess what? I did not vote, nor am i going to this year.

the problem is that i am one of the few people who understands that my vote really and truly does not count, in terms of electing the president. my vote does not matter. and anyone who thinks it does has no clue about what the electoral college is up to. it is not the popular vote that makes someone the president, it is the electoral vote. this whole idea that we are getting a say as to who our benevolent dictator will be is complete rubbish. not that it matters much

anyway... in my opinion, neither candidate is better than the other. they're both evil. they will both cause this country to tumble down around our ears. neither of them have what it takes to be a good, strong, HONEST leader. i dont think any politician does. by definition.

now, dont get me wrong. i believe its important to vote. i always have. it is my one opportunity to put in my two cents about what i want for the country. whether it gets ignored or not, has nothing to do with it. its a matter of principle. and if you dont vote, you dont get to bitch and moan. well, i'm retracting that bit about not being able to bitch and moan. in this case, it wouldnt matter if i voted or not, because i dont want EITHER of those snakes in office. i'd just end up writing someone in, like MY SON because hes smarter than the two of them combined (even at 5 yrs old).

and i'm sick and tired of everyone around me telling me how i need to go vote, as if my vote actually counted for anything. you see the commercials on tv about how the last election was won by less than 1000 votes or whatever the heck statistic they throw out there... but you know what? the last election was one because the electoral college voted for bush. plain and simple. it didnt have anything to do with the popular vote. not to mention that frankly, i dont have the time to waste on something that doesnt matter anyway.

polls here opened at 7am. well, i leave for work about that time, if i havent overslept that is. after commuting the hour and something to work, i work 8 hrs with a 1 hr lunch. my 1hr lunch is not long enough for me to commute back home, and then back to work, with time for voting in between. i'd have to take 2 or 3 hours vacation time to make that happen. a half hour after work, i have class until 9:30pm. polls close at 8pm. i have time to vote when?

i should have gotten an absentee ballot you say? yeah well, i didnt get my voter information thingy in time for me to request one. THANK YOU USPS... i live NEXT DOOR to the post office, and guess what??? they cant deliver my mail on time! ever! unless of course its junk mail... god forbid i get THAT late... *doh!*

yeah... so the entire process is screwed up, and i hate it, and i think its pointless, and i think it needs to be torn down completely and rebuilt from the foundation up. i think the electoral college needs to be eliminated, and our elections should be decided 100% by popular vote. isnt that what democracy is all about anyway?? that all men (and women, and transexuals) are created equal? that we all get an equal say in who our government is made up of? doesnt having an electoral college defeat that purpose? cuz it sure seems that if those however-many people get to decide the out comes of our elections, no matter what we as a populous say, they've got a bit more voting power than we do? hmmmm... might that be a problem? i think it is. especially when the electoral college is saying how it will vote before the popular vote has been tallied... or even completely collected... um... yes... BIG problem.

so yeah. i didnt vote. i'm not going to vote this year. if ya got a problem with it... well... keep it to your own danged self [danged was not my original choice of wording... but i didnt want to be too insulting to you all...]

fighting the waves of rising panic...

why am i writing on a post it? i dont know.
[i originally wrote this on a series of post-its cuz i didnt realize it would turn into a full on post...]

i miss my army boy. i wonder if he's okay. i'm afraid that he's gotten home and forgotten about me. not that i'd blame him. i'd completely understand. i just wish i knew. not knowing is what kills me, because then i'm consumed by the dreaded what if's and i start imagining all sorts of irrationally stupid things.

[like his ex girlfriend meeting him when he got back, and them getting back together.
like him going home and mentioning me to his family and them convincing him not to meet me.
like him getting home and forgetting about me in all the chaos...]

i know, i'm paranoid. but i am just so insecure. part of me is so afraid that the only reason he cares about me is that i was the only girl he'd seen in a year... just about anyone would look good at that point... and maybe after getting back and seeing all the other options... maybe i'm not as great as he originally thought... irrational, i know. but then, my fears have never been rational. and this is what happens when the what if's get to me. this is what happens when i let myself give in to my mind wandering off without taking reality with it.

there are so many reasons why he might not be able to talk to me right now. and none of them are as stupid as what i've gone on about. i mean, maybe he's not even home yet. maybe he's still over there, and hasnt been able to get to a computer. maybe he's home, but stuck on base, and can't get to a computer to get my number out of his email and call me. or worse, maybe he's one of the guys that got injured last week, and maybe he's stuck in an army hospital somewhere [ugh... lets not go with THAT thought... that'd be horrible]. its not like i havent gone longer without talking to him... one time it was over a month before i got to talk to him... and that time it was just because there was a heatwave that knocked out all the power... i was just as worried then as i am now, and for no good reason... *sigh*

i'm such a mess... worried to death... and probably for no good reason.

i want to see him, so bad. i want to talk to him, so bad. i want him to be okay. i want him to be home.

i keep re-reading the emails and letters he's sent me, and going back to my IM archives over and over, just to feel close to him, just to smile because of him, just so i dont feel as nervous, or upset, or scared...

he calms me like that, even when he's not around. just thinking about how wonderfully sweet he's been to me puts me more at ease... so going back and reading everything he's ever said to me serves equally as well to calm me down.

he grounds me like no one else i've ever known..

and i wish he were here to do it now...

who needs heavy metal...

with a jack hammer going full bore outside your window?

certainly not me. doesnt help because i cant hear my alt./punk rock and metal over that noise anyway. i swear, if its not one thing keeping me from working effectively, its another... first with the vibrations from the deconstruction next door, now someone is jack hammering underneath my office window. dont they know people are trying to WORK up here?? [yes, i am actually trying to work. my sloth has finally caught up from me, and i'm getting irate inquiries into why something hasnt been processed coming up in my email. and you know, theres only so many times you can say "i'm sorry, but i'm drowning in emergencies right now, i'll get to it when i can" before people stop believing you.]

so right now i'm digging through the pile of paperwork that has been languishing on my desk for a few weeks [okay, so i really HAVE had emergencies to deal with. i'm not THAT lazy. really.], and becoming more and more frustrated and overwhelmed. there is just too much work. more than any normal human being could possibly dream of finishing in a timely manner without working more overtime than normal hours.

i, of course, am NOT a normal human being, which means that true to form, i will get it done in just longer than a timely manner, without working a stitch of overtime, because we are not allowed overtime. [yes, you heard me. the department motto is "fuck productivity, we're not paying you shit to stay late. but oh yeah, you still have to finish 3 people's work in your normal 8 hours or we're gonna write you up."]

can we tell that i am a tad bitter today?

let me give you a clue why... today was pay day. [thats a good thing right? not necessarily.] and pay day, just serves to remind me how grossly underpaid, and unappreciated i am. i mean come ON... 2400 take home?? in the BAY AREA?? are they INSANE?? people cant LIVE on that as singles, let alone pay child support and court fees... shit just makes me wanna quit. except that quitting would mean that i'd have NO income. and well, that would just bite harder, eventhough i could really use the time off. and i've been putting my share into unemployment... oh wait. to get unemployment i have to be laid off or fired. well hell. there goes THAT idea. guess i'm stuck here until i get that degree.

blah. i hate my job sometimes. i'm even starting to hate the work. or at least, the amount of work... this is ridiculous.

depression strikes again.

this time i know exactly what caused it. exactly. a phone conversation in the wee hours of the morning with someone very close to me. [no, not my army boy... i wish i could talk to him on the phone in the wee hours of the morning... with all my heart i wish it... even if not a whole lot of actual talking would take place *wink wink*] what was so depressing about the conversation? well... thats a tough one to explain. i dont even fully understand it myself. but things were said; things that hurt me horribly. its funny how someone can have good intentions, and still wind up emotionally disembowling you... and i know he didnt mean to hurt me like that... i know he didnt mean to throw me into this black hole of depression... i know he didnt mean to make me cry... i know he didnt mean to make me feel like complete and total shit...

but he did.

[disclaimer: i have more male friends than i do female, and of my female friends, i only have one that i talk to about anything important. my guy friends are my confidants. generally i get along better with them then i do with women. i think its the sexual tension that screws up my friendships with women... which is not as big a deal with guy friends, cuz sexual tension is expected... ya know? eh. if ya dont, its okay... i'm not sure i do either]

we ended up basically hanging up on eachother... i guess i pissed him off too. i understand. i have a tendency to frustrate the hell out of people. its not that i do it on purpose, its just how i am. i see things differently than most. i feel things differently than most. i have weird hang ups, and strange boundaries. it takes a special kind of person to be able to put up with me. it takes an even more special kind of person to enjoy me.

the problem is, this friend wants me to be different than how i am. i dont blame him. i'd like me to be different than how i am. but... pushing me to change, will not effect that change any quicker. its something that i have to do, myself, on my own terms, on my own timeline. if he wants to help, fine, but again, its got to be on my terms, on my timeline.

my terms:

what doesnt help me:
complaining about the issues i have does not help me.
getting mad at me for the issues i have does not help me.
bitching at me about the issues i have does not help me.
making me feel guilty about the issues i have does not help me.
making me feel inept and inadequate because of the issues i have does not help me.
pushing me to move forward when i'm not ready to does not help me.
telling me that i'm doing this to myself does not help me.

what does help me:
being patient with me helps me.
holding my hand helps me.
being there when i need you to be helps me.
being gentle with me helps me.
accepting me the way i am helps me.
accepting the fact that i'm doing the best i can helps me.
giving me a shoulder to cry on helps me.
letting me vent helps me.
rambling on about nothing in particular when i cant think of anything to say helps me.
telling me that everything will be alright (and meaning it) helps me.
reminding me that i'm not alone helps me.
"playing that game" helps me.
making me smile and laugh helps me.

that said... we'll see.
i'm going home now... nytol.

i have been remiss...

i realize that i have been remiss in posting... but i've got a good reason. and no, work is not it. hehe.

i ended up staying home yesterday... and as i was lying on my couch watching tv, wondering when oh when would i stop being in hellishly excruciating pain, and seriously debating getting a sex change, my new laptop showed up! i'm glad i stayed home, or i would have missed the guy, and had to wait another day or two to get it! let me just say, after that point, i rather forgot that i was in such extreme discomfort, and immediately set about configuring my beautiful wonderful new computer.

i had techie-gasms all afternoon [yeah, you read that right, techie-gasms. what of it? i have pen-gasms and stationary-gasms when i go to office supply stores too! ugh... shush up... stop laughing at me!], and late into the evening, playing with my new toy... exploring it, probing it, rearranging it, and testing it out.

its a dell inspiron 1000, 2.2 ghz intel celeron processor, 512 mb ram, 60 gb hard drive, 15" screen, integrated networking card, pcmcia 802.11b/g wireless card, dvd-cd r/w... and came with word perfect office 12, paint shop pro 8, and a bunch of other various software.

i am having a torrid love affair with it. [i appologize whole heartedly... but i couldnt resist... i have fallen hopelessly, madly, in love with my laptop... what can i say, i'm an uber geek at heart *shrug*]

i only have 3 problems with it.

1) it runs microshaft windoze X-Puke as an operating system. in my opinion, that is the worst platform ever created... and bill gates should be drawn and quartered for daring to market such a complete and utter piece of crap to us. [for those of you unfamiliar with the derogatory slang i have just used... microshaft = microsoft, windoze = windows, X-Puke = XP] X-Puke isnt compatible with hardware that i currently own, and it isnt compatible with software that i currently own, therefore making my investments in those rather worthless.

[rant about microshaft: gotta love the money making scheme microshaft has going there... i can see it now:

bill gates: lets make a new OS platform.
minions: yes master!
bill: now, how do we make it even more profitable than the last one?
minions: you know all master, enlighten us! instruct us in your evil ways!
bill: i know... we'll make it incompatible with just about everything thats currently out on the market!
minions: oh great overlord, how will that make it more profitable??
bill: it will make it more profitable, because it will only run software, and be compatible with hardware, that we authorize. people will have to throw out all their old software and hardware, and go buy it new again, from us!!
minions (prostrating themselves): oooooooooooohhhhhh! aaaahhhhhhh! we are awed by your malfeasance!

what, you dont think that bill gates is the embodiment of all evil? damn, he's gotten to you too... *holds up hands in front of her face, fingers forming a cross* get thee behind me, satan!! *tosses holy water at you* hmmm that didnt work.... oh... thats vampires. oh well. nevermind, i guess.]

2) my new laptop does not have a floppy drive. why is this a problem? well, my old lap top does not have a cd burner. so... um... how is it exactly that i'm going to be transferring my files from my old computer to my new one? i have four options. a) i can go buy the $40 software from dell to transfer my files. b) i can email all my files to myself in small batches. c) i can sync the two laptops together via usb or ethernet connection and transfer the files that way... if i can figure out how to do it, and what hardware i need to do so. d) i can hand the old computer over to my ex and let him burn everything to cd for me [this is the option i'm taking since he knows how to do it, and can do it easily. in fact, i think he's doing it tonight.]

3) i cannot seem to get my webcam set up. [oh big whoop right? well hey! its the only way my army boy gets to see me right now, not to mention a few other choice friends of mine that dont get to see me any other way either. its for their benefit, not mine! and i'm all about pleasing people, so damned straight i wanna get that thing hooked up!]. part of the problem is that i lost the stupid disc somewhere, and i cant find it. and the website for the manufacturer doesnt have the full software for download either. all it had were the driver updates [updates are NOT the same as the full software. *sigh*]. and thanks to item 1 [see microshaft rant], the full drivers are not available from microshaft, so i cant get them that way. i've had to resort to having my ex burn me a copy of his neice's software [same camera we think, same manufacturer anyway, and it seems to list all the webcams on that particular disc so we'll see if it actually works out or not] so i can try that route. if it doesnt work... i'll have to contact the manufacturer and see if they'll send me a duplicate copy *sigh*

other than that, i'm more than happy with the thing. it came with word perfect office 12... omg. all you people who badmouth word perfect have obviously not used the most recent version because WOW! and i'm ultra picky about my word processing programs! wp gives you so many different options... and tutorials... and its ultra user friendly... [what about compatability you ask? what about the fact that everyone else in the world uses MS Office? WELL!! let me tell you... WP not only will compose, and save, in WP format, but it also composes and saves in MS Word format. AND it will convert existing docs to WP, Word or PDF at the click of a button! PLUS it has options to compose in "legal mode" which is very cool.] so! there! word perfect haters, take that! i will hear no more ill from you poor pathetic microshaft brain washed fools!!

and on that note, i am off to carry my brand new, shiny, beautiful, wonderful, amazing laptop to my business class!

day dreaming of rainy afternoons...

day dreaming of rainy afternoons spent curled up on the couch, in his arms, just listening to the rain hammer away outside.

day dreaming of standing in the doorway to the balcony his arms around me, my arms around him, watching the rain wash the world clean.

day dreaming of long walks in the rain, stopping to kiss on street corners, where everyone can see how much in love we are, laughing as people stare and give us "get a room" looks.

day dreaming of coming home, still laughing, and stripping each others wet clothes off, then falling into bed together and spending the rest of the day there, making love.

day dreaming of tickle fights, and play wrestling, ending in kisses and caresses.

day dreaming of his mouth on mine, on my neck, on my shoulders, then lower... and lower... ummm *blush*

imma go back to the day dreaming now... *grin*

good morning world... i think.

i was thrown into the working world full force this morning, without my normal 2 hours of goofing off to wake me up, so i'm really not sure that i did what i was supposed to do correctly... sorry, but thats what happens when i'm required to show up before 9, and "emergencies" are immediately dropped in my lap. i hold no remorse for any errors that may occur. its simply not my fault. its the fault of management for not letting me work later hours. [thats my story, and i'm sticking to it].

suffice it so say that i'm uber tired, but i'm once again in one of those strangely relaxed contented moods. i was up til about 2:30 last night... I'd intended on going to bed earlier, but i was in a horribly lonely mood [are we noticing a trend here?] and couldnt quite convince myself that sleeping alone was a good thing... so i was laying there, feeling miserably sorry for myself...

[justification for my extreme self pity: yesterday was a hard day, a long day, and a miserable commute home -- damned idiots throwing themselves in front of trains and delaying my arrival home, making me miss my bus, making me have to wait around for the next one, then causing me to get stuck in the rain. i blame my entire miserable evening on that idiot who not only threw themselves in front of the train, but had the GALL to get STUCK under it. what a moron, i swear. so, nameless fool, the next time you want to throw yourself in front of a train, pick Amtrak. I dont take Amtrak, so it wont affect me, and you probably wont get stuck underneath the thing cuz its so heavy it'll just crush you, unlike the electric light rail, to which you are like that little wedge that holds doors open (whats that called?). of course, if you were smart enough to think of that, you wouldnt be throwing yourself in front of trains in the first place, now would you! okay... rant about idiots under trains over]

... desperately needing to smile, and laugh, and feel good about something... and just when i've about given up all hope of any gladness for the evening [i use the term evening very loosely, as at that point, it was somewhere around 1:45am i think], my army boy shows up online, and makes me smile, and laugh, and feel good :) it amazes me that he can always do that... no matter how horrible of a mood i'm in, no matter how sad i am, no matter how angry i am... theres something about him that just puts me totally and completely at ease with myself, and everything around me... and makes me feel like all is right with the world. i cant explain it. its as surprising to me as it is for anyone who knows me. i'm never at ease, about anything. ever. and the world never seems right. ever. except after talking with him.

i didnt have any trouble falling asleep after that... and i didnt have nightmares either... i slept, peacefully. i didnt even toss or turn in my sleep [i know cuz i always wake up slightly if i'm moving around in my sleep. i'm an incredibly light sleeper. its slightly annoying at times]. and i woke up with a smile :) i must have had sweet dreams, even if i dont remember them.

he's due home soon, and due to come see me soon... and i'm so nervous... not so much about seeing him, because i dont think that being together face to face is going to ruin anything... but more about the condition of my apartment. i'm rather ashamed of my crappy little hole in the wall that doesnt even feel like its really my space yet... and hes supposed to stay with me... *sigh* my living quarters are the one part of my life that i have yet to begin getting in order, and as of right this second, all my ex's crap is still in my apartment. its not so much that the place is dirty [except for the kitchen, which is funny, because thats the one room in the place that i'm the most anal about], its more that its cluttered, and cramped, and feeling very alien to me because its supposed to be my space now, only its not quite yet... and i havent had anyone over except my best friend [well and my mom, to help me do some cleaning one weekend] simply because, well, i'm ashamed of the place. and i know she's the only person i know who wouldnt judge me because of it. i know, i know, i work full time, i go to school full time, and i have a kid. i dont have time for cleaning. but you know what? it may not be bad compared to some places, but to me its abysmal, and i dont want to subject anyone else to it. so cleaning is fast becoming one of my top priorities, second only to work, school, and my kid [i guess that makes it fourth... hmm]. and i'm thinking of getting my kiddo in on the cleaning action... heck, hes 5, its about time he learned how to pick stuff up and put it away properly.

but even all that isnt really bothering me much right now... this blissfully quiet and contented state is sticking around quite nicely, even with an in class essay looming above my head tonight, and homework waiting in the wings at lunch and when i get home. i love feeling like this :) i absolutely love it :) and i've been having the most wonderful day dream all morning... but i'll leave that for a later post ;) time to get back to work.

homework, art, tribal porn, and a new computer, oh my!

well, i'd tell you about my weekend... but i really dont know what to say... saturday was all chores and homework. literally. my only break from the two of those things was my trip down to mc donald's to grab some quick food, and later my trip to the gas station down the street to buy smokes (as i was running dangerously low). it rained all day saturday, and it was absolutely wonderful. i love rain. i'm sure i've said that before... but oh well. you get to see me say it again :P

sunday was spent on Stanford (Stanfurd) campus. i have an intense hatred toward Stanford, as both my father and myself are UC Berkeley employees. call it school spirit if you will, but i'm patriotic towards my place of employment. even if it is only because i practically grew up on campus, and they write my paychecks. anyway... i digress.

Stanford, as much as i hate them, has a wonderful art museum. a FREE art museum. and to a starving (not literally, but you know what i mean) student, anything free is automatically very very awesome. but on top of it being free, they've got an amazing Rodin exhibit going on, complete with a replica of "the gates of hell" and a whole wing full of his bronze sculptures. they also have a great middle eastern art wing (complete with egyptian mummy in sarcophagus), and two sections of native american art. we went through the WHOLE museum. and i only really had two problems with the place. 1) typos on the information plaques and 2) some of the pieces were dispursed rather randomly (for example, we found a Rodin piece of two ballet dancers mixed in with the Chinese art). we also went to the Stanford Mosoleum (or however you spell that), and the "angel of grief" (i think thats what its called... sorry... ADD... cant remember the name of the thing properly) which is one of the most beautiful statues i've ever seen.

After that, we went to the other side of the campus, and visited this outdoor tribal art display thing (yes, i cant remember the name of that EITHER... thank you... *sigh*). it was full of carvings in stone and wood that were done by tribal artists from new guinea, and it was stunning. the stone carvings made you feel like you were deep in a tropical forest (eventhough the place was covered in pine needles... hehe), and the wooden carvings made you feel as if you were in one of the spirit houses that were talked about on the informational plaques scattered around the place. the intricacy of the carvings blew me away (as someone who's done a little bit of carving herself...), and what they depicted... wow. there was one of these "spirit post" things that i couldnt help but laughing at though... every single creature on the thing was fukking another creature on it... or eating another creature on it, and in some cases, you couldnt tell the difference. alligators, boars, people, monkey looking things... all screwing. lol. i'm sure it has some sort of deep spiritual meaning, but with my dirty mind... well... all i could think was "orgy!!" LOL. i also found my perfect man in there too... maybe i'll figure out how to post pictures on this thing, and add that at some point. y'all will have a good laugh :P after that we wandered around to see some of the random works of art they have in front of their buildings... one was supposed to be a bronze sculpture of a unicorn... but... all it looked like was an abstracted fish... um yeah. I guess thats Stanford for ya. lol.

I was supposed to do homework after i got back from my trip into enemy territory... but i didnt. i swear we must have walked like 4 or 5 miles, and i was just too tired and sore to be able to address my geography, or my english. i guess i'll just do the geography while i'm in the lecture class tonight, and i'll do my english tonight when i get home, or at lunch tomorrow or something. AH! note to self: on the way to class tonight, buy blue books for the in-class essay tomorrow in english!

(hmmm it appears i HAVE told you about my weekend now... um... ignore previous statement about not knowing what to say)

OH! happy news... this morning i finally ordered my new laptop! i was sposed to do it like, 3 weeks ago, but well... i never got around to it, and then last night i noticed that dell prices had fallen through the floor (base model price for a laptop $699... whoa) so i went in and customized the heck outta one (turning said 699 into 1100 haha), and ordered it this morning. i checked on the order this afternoon (to make sure my card had gone through... erm... yes, i needed to check... shut up!), and :O they're building it now! *grins an insanely huge grin* i will have it in time to do all my geography field reports on CDRW! *bounces up and down happily*

okay... is it sad that i'm so excited about being able to do field reports on CDRW? or am i completely justified to be happy to finally own a computer that can handle my graphics software? (Corel will NOT run on the POS i have for a doorstop at home...-- glossary -- POS = piece of shit. doorstop = laptop that is so outdated and obsolete that all its good for is holding open a door) anyway... fun fun stuff for me, cuz the new laptop will have a battery that holds its charge for longer than 15 minutes (yes really... i told you... doorstop), and i can actually take it on the train to work with me, and do my homework THERE :D *bounces up and down summore* [alright, stop imagining that i'm not wearing a shirt... jeez... y'all are not my geography teacher, dont act like him! LOL]

anyway... um... i should like... um... work... or something... so... talk to y'all later!

Strike! Strike!!

it has finally happened. the elevators have gone on strike.

this morning, for the first time in 3 years (as long as i've been here), BOTH elevators are broken. i, for one, am not going to be crossing that picket line.

elevators of the EECS department unite! one in the building across the street has joined the strike as well!

i'm thinking of having my union support their endeavor... but i dont think it will get past committee, because everyone will be too busy trying to decide what color the picket signs should be (are they in aural harmony with the carrier? is this picket line contrary to a fung shui principle? wait wait, in {insert archaic extinct tribal culture name here} that color signifies the presence of evil spirits! we cant use THAT...).

speaking of my union... they are now debating the following: a) whether or not to have fortune cookies made to hand out at the next rally. b) what the messages inside those fortune cookies should be. note: the decision about buying the fortune cookies has not yet been made, but the debate about the included messages is the one that is going full force *DOH!*

ahhhh mondays... LOL. hope yours is going better.

what was i going to say again?

well i knew what i was going to write here... but in the time it took to bring up notepad (i type all my posts in notepad because a) blogger has a nasty tendency to eat my posts when i try to post them and b) i dont like how word tries to capitalize my lower cases, and fix my grammar -- word does not account for style, i swear) i seem to have forgotten what i wanted to say. maybe if i ramble on for a little bit i'll remember.

this seems to be a night for totally changing my mind. i was hungry. so i made [microwaved] dinner. now that its sitting in front of me, i seem to have lost my appetite. which is odd, cuz i know my blood sugar has fallen through the floor.

i cant seem to find anything good on television, to the point that i've resorted to watching "the women's entertainment channel" which is very non-typical for me.

and now i still cant remember what i wanted to write. i have a feeling it was kind of important, but i still cant put my finger on exactly what it was, so i guess i'll just give up for now and try it again later.

schitzophrenic ramblings [indeed they are]

wow... i've been trying to write this post for an hour and a half, and keep coming up with abso-freakin nothin [lame eh?].

i guess the problem is that i'm not really all here today [okay, so i'm never really all here, but i mean more-so than normal, seen?]. i couldnt sleep last night [well thats not accurate either. i could have slept, and in fact i did eventually, but i didnt really want to] and so was up way too late [late enough that it was morning again before i fell asleep in front of my computer waiting to see if army boy was going to make it back from "i got booted off yahoo" land]. as a result, i called in to work sick [indeed, i wasnt actually "sick" per se, but i felt like crap anyway and just wanted to go back to sleep] and didnt end up coming in til like, noon [noon was a completely accurate representation of when i got here, when i started working is a totally different story].

so today is a "sit at my desk and mess around on the computer" day [i have many of these] where i basically dont do anything except be here to answer the phone and respond to any "urgent" [urgent for the sender, cuz frankly, nothing here is urgent to me... i dont give a shit anymore] emails. and i might not even answer the emails [okay, i will, but only out of my noble sense of duty, and having nothing better to do].

i really just want to go back home [which i could do if i wanted to waste my vacation leave] and go to sleep [which i probably wouldnt end up doing anyway], but the idea of sleeping alone [as usual, again, blah] is just way too much for me to bear [seriously. i lose more sleep that way than any other]. and i do mean just sleeping. i'm not talking about some desire to get fukt or anything like that [although, i wouldnt mind that either], i really honestly mean i want someone to sleep next to. theres just something so comforting about feeling someone's chest against your back as you slowly fall into a deep peaceful sleep [and i dont fall into deep peaceful sleeps any other way]. i guess it makes me feel safe [feeling safe is very important to me]. and i dont have nightmares [usually] if someone's holding me while i sleep [such a rare thing... so i just suffer through the nightmares].

what are the nightmares about? [yes, i knew someone would wonder, so i'm attempting to answer... now] the thing about that is, i dont know. i dont remember them [except for a choice few, but i am NOT sharing those because a) i dont feel like reliving them right now, and b) they were horrible enough that just reading about them would give YOU nightmares]. i just wake up in this intense state of terror and sadness [yes, at the same time. dont ask me how THAT works, i'm no psych major], typically on the verge of tears. sometimes i feel as if i need to get away from something [no, i dont know what], or to escape somehow [no, i dont know how either].

sometimes i have good dreams [very good dreams even], but thats an extremely rare thing [although, i've been having recurring good dreams lately, which is a nice change of pace]. i love having good dreams... i wish i had more of them [especially the recurring ones that i've been having lately]. usually if i have good dreams, its if i'm sleeping while the sun is up [early morning, or the middle of the afternoon]. i just dont dream well at night [or sleep well, as a result]. i think it might have something to do with it being dark [lack of vitamin D maybe?] or the fact that its harder for me to be alone at night than it is during the day [theres just something about how peaceful night is that makes me really really want to share it with someone].

and then sometimes [even more rarely than the good dreams] i have strange dreams that dont scare me, but arent good either [read: weird fukt up dreams that you never seem to forget, and think about on a regular basis because you're still trying to figure out what the fuk they meant]. the last one of those i had was... well it was funny i suppose [at least thats what people said when i told them about it], but in a dark kinda way. i dreamt i was giving birth to something [yes, someTHING, as in, not a baby] in an old run down gas station garage, while strapped to the hydraulic lift, and surrounded by men dressed in mechanics overalls, with surgical masks and caps, who were holding various automotive tools [alright, so i'm insane. thats what the dream means right? that i'm beyond fukt up eh? gee thanx for agreeing with me]. i wrote about that dream for an english essay [goddamned stupid fukkin english essays, i hate those friggin things], and i saw the prof's face as he was reading over it real quick after i turned it in... i've never seen someone look so shocked before [okay, so i have, but it sounds better if i say that i havent].

so yeah... sleep for me is generally a difficult thing [not entirely surprising, given the above bit about my dreams].

anyway, enough of my schitzophrenic ramblings [yeah, enough already], i'm gonna go wander out for a ciggy and waste some more time [slacker!].