scared sh*tless

omg. he'll be here tonite. omg. i was awake all night cleaning my apartment. omg. its still not clean enough for my liking. omg. i woke up this morning and immediately threw up. omg. i have never been this nervous in my life. omg. i had to call in late for work cuz i couldnt control the dry heaves. OMG. i cleaned more inbetween episodes of extreme nausea. i vaccumed everything TWICE. omg. i scrubbed the little metal things under the burners on the stove. omg. i still havent folded my laundry yet. OMG. he better not dare look in my closets!! omg. i'm literally panicking.

how the fuk am i supposed to work like this? how am i supposed to go to class like this? how am i supposed to bring myself to open the door tonight? i'm so scared.

he laughed at me on the phone last night because he could hear how nervous i was. because i was so nervous i was talking in circles. because i was so nervous that my voice was trembling. because he thought it was incredibly cute. because he's nervous too. but i'm more than nervous. i'm terrified. all the what if's keep running through my head. dear god someone make them stop. someone PLEASE make them stop.

my hands are shaking as i'm typing this. OMG i've only got 10 hours before he's here. i feel like someone dropped a ton of bricks on my chest. breathing takes effort. oh oh panic attacks are so much fun. not. gads.

if you dont see anything from me this weekend, i'm either having the time of my life, or i've died from a heart attack. either way.

i cant wait the 10 hours. but they also dont seem quite long enough. its like time is speeding forward and yet standing still all at the same time. my head is spinning. i'm dizzy. i'm queasy still. ACK.

those damned what if's will be the death of me i swear to god they will.

anyone got a valium or 10? i could use a few right now. if ya do, email them to me asap. thanks.

deceit and duplicity

Parental Discretion Advised -- this post contains excessive profanity. please read at your own risk.

alright... so yesterday bit seriously.

first that dream, which just put a fukt up spin on everything, then i was late for work, then work itself [which is never particularly pleasant, but i think my boss is PMSing or something gads], then class ugh. i have so much shit to do and i'm beyond lost. i think i'm royally fukt in the whole education area. unless i can figure out a way to do 11 assignments in a week AND study for two finals, as well as spend time with my boy this weekend. I actually had to talk to a prof about the best way to pull up my grade [thus 11 assignments instead of the original 8 i had planned on *wimpers*]. then i get home and experienced another episode in a growing epidemic that is rather starting to piss me off.

as i've said before, most of my friends are male. or at least, thats the way it used to be until my army boy got home. now that he's home, and its obvious that i'm beyond smitten, and that feeling is being reciprocated, i've had a steady string of my best male friends say "well, you dont need me anymore. have a nice life." and my not so close male friends have just stopped talking to me period, with no explanation. last nite was particularly disturbing because i'm sitting there trying desperately to make sense of the research i was attempting to do [so i dont fail my final project for english], and i saw my absolute closest guy friend online... so of course, i take 5 seconds to say hi cuz i havent talked to him in a couple days. i, of course, am a bit sarcastic [what?? me?? sarcastic?? no fukkin way... you're shitting me right?] and make some sort of joke about his status message [yeah i'm a geek, and do like 90% of my communication with people via email or Yahoo IM. sorry for being too busy to have a social life]. my little joke was met with the coldest fukkin shoulder i have ever gotten from anyone... and basically amounted to "oh, so you've finally decided to talk to me now huh?" well i'm suprised u know, cuz its not like he tried to get ahold of me at all lately... dudes got a phone, dudes got email, dudes got yahoo... its not like i've fallen off the face of the earth or anything. so he's pissed off cuz i havent talked to him more than 3 times in the past 2 weeks. well dang. you know, finals are a pain in the ass and a girl's gotta study and shit, then the whole boyfriend getting back home thing and needing to pay attention to him [and of course needing to have him pay attention to me -- which he does amazingly well omg *drools*], not to mention like, oh, normal life shit dealing with kid and ex and work and all that... i've been BUSY right? [not too busy to blog of course, but hey... i gotta vent somewhere] you'd think this all would be a good reason for not calling someone... i mean, if someone told me all that i'd be like "oh hey, no problem. i'll letcha get back to it, and gimme a call when ya finally get a chance to breathe!" but of course, i'd have already called them to oh, you know, see if they were okay and shit like that.

so i'm the bad guy here. i didnt call, i didnt email, i didnt IM. and he got his panties in a bunch about it because apparently he broke up with his girlfriend while i was busy being happy [i'm assuming he got pissed that i was happy when he wasnt. dude is melodramatic like that]. and i'm supposed to know that happened how? i mean gosh, the last time i talked to him, he didnt say anything, and he didnt call me to tell me... but no, he got mad at me for not fukking being psychic [i'm psychO not psychIC, get it right people] so mad actually that he told me that i dont have to worry about calling him anymore cuz he's "done" [whatever the fuk that means -- i swear this boy is worse than a woman. damn], and that i dont need him anymore [again, what? why wouldnt i need a good friend still?], and that i should "enjoy" [enjoy??? what in the hell? i'm so fukkin confused... damn you men for not saying what the fuk you mean!] thats about where the conversation ended with a very curt "goodbye tess" [i have left some stuff out... cuz it didnt make ANY sense to me AT ALL, and it got a little jumbled in there for a while with me being confused and telling him to talk to me like i'm friggin 5 cuz i wasnt getting what the hell he was saying] that came off as a "bye. have a nice life."

but this is a growing trend. and its really starting to seem like my guy friends were only my friends in the hopes of getting in my jeans... cuz i mean gosh, if you look at the above conversation... sounds like a jilted boyfriend kinda thing to do right? "oh well you've got someone now, you dont need me anymore" ummmmmm. okay. we all knew where my heart has been. no surprises here. and having a boyfriend who's actually gonna be around for a little while makes me not need friends WHY? [oh right, cuz theres no chance for those friends to sleep with me now. well hey. woulda been nice for me to know the rules before hand. cuz then i wouldnt have bothered. fukkers *scowls*]

anyway... so that was guy friend number three to pull this same kinda shit in the past week. and you know what? i actually feel used. and dirty. and like a piece of meat. i mean, the impression i get is that they were only hanging around in the hopes that i'd get my heart broken and come looking for someone to fuck me happy again. how... how... duplicitous! god i mean what on earth does that say about what they think of me? what kind of image must i portray? do i come off as a slut or something? or easy? or that i dont value friendship more than i value "make me feel better" sex? damn. i dunno. it bites. and no offense to the guys reading this... but you know what? men SUCK ASS. i'm keeping the angel i've got, and the rest of y'all can just ROT for all i care. i'm done havin y'all as close friends too [with one exception, because i know for damned sure hes not trying to get in my pants, and hes actually been genuinely happy that i'm happy instead of acting like a jealous little BITCH like the rest of the guys i know]. so what if women and me dont usually get along real well. i'd rather deal with their shit [which actually makes sense to me most of the time even if it is stupid and petty. at least it isnt this manipulative "i'm only friends with you cuz i want to fuck you" shit] than deal with THIS anymore.

[yeah, if you didnt notice, i'm MAD. seriously.]

sleep deprivation and foreshadowed events

well, i dont have much to say today... i was up WAY too late on the phone with my army boy [hmm i'm going to have to figure out what to call him once he's finally out of the army... eh we'll see] last night. we talked for over 5 hours. [yeah wow thats a long time] it was like 2:30 before we got off the phone, and i went to bed.

i paid for it this morning [yeah, yeah, i'm old. shaddup!!] and ended up having to call in late for work so i could sleep in a bit and catch up. this being on the phone for hours and hours and hours thing is great, and i dont wanna stop [gawd i love talking to him] but ugh i'm not as young as i used to be. i cant stay awake for 72 hrs straight anymore... at least, not without the assistance of a LOT of caffiene.

i ended up having a semi-disturbing dream this morning while i was busy sleeping through my alarm... its kind of haunting me because it was so vivid, and those ones lately have been indicative of actual events to come... and its really not something i want to have to deal with... let me explain.

i have some scars that i dont like to have to try to explain to anyone. most of the time i dont have to worry about it because they're in a place that very few people have ever gotten the chance to see or touch. generally only someone that i'm intimate with will ever even know they're there. i've told my army boy that i have scars, but i havent said where, or anything like that...

so in my dream, my army boy and i were... well... intimate... and he found them... and just kind of looked at me strangely and said "tess*... ?" and before he could actually ask, i cut him off and reminded him that i said i had scars... and he asked what they were from, looking really really concerned... and i said "it doesnt matter right now"... and woke up to my alarm blaring at me that i was an hour late in getting up [note: this is the extremely short version of the dream, and paraphrased, with the first oh... hour or so cut out. y'all dont need to know that much about me. really you dont.].

now, okay, that didnt sound so much like a strange dream... but to me it was unsettling. again, because it was so vivid, so real, and those ones are usually dead on for something thats actually going to happen. unless i can do something that keeps it from happening that is. which i'm sure, in this case i can... but i really dont want to have to go there. i dont want pity, i dont want concern. i just want it to be ignored and treated with the merit it deserves -- none. yes, bad shit happened to me. but that doesnt mean i wanna talk about it, or re-live it. and i definitely dont want anyone to look at me differently because of it.

so i've been in an odd mood all day. still insanely happy mind you, but yet... theres a little bit of darkness hanging out in the back of my mind now. [which is much better than the usual, but i'd rather go back to just being insanely happy and not having that stupid lingering darkness shit in there]

* -- tess is not my real name, and so thats not what he called me in the dream, even if a lot of my friends DO call me tess.

well f*ck me...

... he wants to hear my fantasies... i want to share them... but i cant SAY them. i just cant. i try... but being specific... my mouth wont work, my throat locks up... damned stupid inhibitions. bleh. if he asked me to act them out... i could do that... but say them? speak the words? no... hell, i can even write them given half the chance and the right backround music... but i cant say them... [god. such a freakin handicap]

he says it doesnt bother him... but i worry. its something thats always kind of haunted every relationship i've ever had; this inability to speak those deep dark sensual sexual words. part of the problem is that i dont like how they sound coming out of my mouth. the other part of the problem is that it feels WRONG for them to come out of my mouth. its hard to explain... its just been beaten into me [erm... kinda literally kinda not... no comment] somewhere along the line [over and over and over again] that i'm not allowed to want. that what i want doesnt matter, despite anything anyone can tell me to the opposite. so i end up feeling that saying what i want would be an imposition, even if someone is begging me to say what i want... then of course there's the fear of rejection, which i've suffered a couple times and learned my lesson. i stopped forcing myself to say what i wanted after the first couple "are you SERIOUS" and "uhhhhhhhh you want WHAT?" responses that i got. oh i know, that makes me sound like a freak, but really really i'm not... [come on... its not MY fault that my previous bedfellows had issues with wearing handcuffs... anyway um yeah...] so saying what i wanted never got me anywhere but hurt. so i stopped trying. and now i cant anymore. its become a physical disability.

the funny part is, i dont have a problem listening... [god no, i LOVE listening.] but i cant return the favor. i cant say what i want. not about that anyway. i mean, i can say i want a peanut butter sandwich. i can say i want new shoes. i can say i want a hug or a kiss, or many of both. but i cant say ... those words... you know... them... the ones that refer to specific places... gah. i cant even write them here, not that you'd want me to... but here's a PG example. i can say "i want kisses" but i cant say "i want kisses on my neck" just cant do it. and forget about anything more um... adult in content. [I can however say "i want kisses" and if someone asks where, i can point to where i want them and say "here"... *sigh* yes i'm weird and fukt up. we've already established that]

is that sad? cuz i think its horribly pathetic. he laughs and says he thinks its cute... but they all say that at first. then they get frustrated. then they get annoyed. then they get angry. i dont want that to happen with him... i couldnt bear it...

and yes, i've tried practicing. do you know how stupid you feel saying that kind of thing to YOURSELF??? yeah, try it some time. its friggin embarassing, even if no one's there to overhear you.

so... any suggestions? someone wanna help me out here? i'm at a loss. and if y'all suggest psychiatric care... imma hunt ya down by your IP addies and hurt ya seriously :P

fun facts about insulin resistance

well, i realized, while trying to explain my precarious medical situation to my army boy last night that i really couldnt explain it worth shit. in fact, i really only knew a little bit. like, i dont metabolize sugar correctly, and as a result of that i have a bunch of OTHER shit wrong with me. so i went googling for info and found this article which actually explains it all in great detail, and better than my doc ever even tried to. lets just say, i dont care much for doctors in general. they always glaze over things as if you know exactly what they're talking about. but because you dont, you never really know if they're telling you the whole story or not. in my case... he left out some important details... maybe he didnt know them himself, maybe he did, i'm not gonna point any fingers, cuz most of the info thats out about my particular issue is rather new. in fact, the drugs out to treat it arent even actually approved to treat it, so insurance wont cover them, so i'm not on them... um... yeah. anyway. where was i?

oh right... fun facts. insulin resistance is rather fukking dangerous. i've got something like an 80% chance of becoming a type 2 diabetic before 50. oh yes. happy happy joy joy. and lucky lucky me, i have type A... *sigh* fun shit. i wish i knew this a year ago. or four. or more than that even. theres other fun stuff about it... but i'll leave those out cuz well, if y'all really wanna know, you'll have gone and read the article.

still, basic treatment is what i'm already doing... cut calories, cut carbs, cut fat, walk more. bleh. so i'm doin what i'm sposed to be doin. yes, every now and again i fuck up and forget to eat right so my blood sugar goes all wacky, but thats usually solved by eating a real meal for once. i should really go see that endocrinologist soon though... maybe he can find something i can take that my insurance WILL cover.

anywho... i'll rant summore on some other stuff later on. i'm in a writing mood today.

anonymous comments

i have taken Stan's advice, and turned off the option for anonymous comments. for those of you who do not have a blogger account, they're free, so get one. you dont have to have a blog to have a blogger account.

but i've gotten kind of tired of getting anonymous comments from people. i like to know who is saying shit to me. especially when they're totally off base.

on another note, i want to remind people that this is a blog. reading this blog does not mean that you know me at all. in fact, reading this blog doesnt even mean that you know 1/100th of me. this is a snippet of my life, and a lot of the times, not even that. i post about me, i post about other things as well. i vent here. i think here. i pour out all the stuff that i cant say outloud, or directly to another person for fear of having a nervous breakdown.

i'm shy. very. i dont talk well. i speak well, but i dont talk well. writing is my main outlet, and i got sick and tired of having to carry a pen and paper around with me everywhere, so blogging seemed a nice alternative for jotting down the random thought or crazed rant.

but really people. dont purport to know or really understand anything about me from reading this blog.

he makes me a better person

i absolutely cannot concentrate on work right now. i just cant. i dont want to either. i want to be home, i want it to be after 9, and i want to be on the phone with my army boy. well really i want him to be right there with me, but that'll be soon enough :) just 7 more days.

*jumps up and down excitedly* did you READ that? only 7 more days! *shrieks with joy* i cant wait. i cant. i need him to be here already. i need to see that smile, to hear that laugh, to have that hug i've been dreaming about for 6 months... i need it with every ounce of me. i keep reminding myself that i've waited this long, i can wait one more week... but god its torture. especially while talking to him on the phone... laying there in an empty bed, talking to him, when he should be right there so i can lay my head on his chest and have him run his fingers through my hair while he makes me giggle and laugh by being the wonderful adorable goofball that he is.

i'm lost in my day dreams. day dreams of hugs and kisses, day dreams of falling asleep together, day dreams of just snuggling up on the couch to watch a movie... well and theres day dreams of other stuff too... *blush* those day dreams are... well...lets just say they make it really hard to work.

i've had night time dreams too... so good that i dont want to wake up in the morning... so sweet and peaceful that i find myself fighting to hold onto them even as my alarm is beeping at me heinously. i havent slept like this ever. i've never slept so beautifully, so amazingly, so deep.

i dont think he has half a clue what he does to me, or half a clue how amazing i think he is... i mean, just last night he was telling me how he wanted to go to italy so he could see the museums, and the fountains, and the architecture... i was awed. this is the same guy who loves football, who cant spell to save his life, who loves all that outdoor adventure stuff -- very much a GUY. and i love that he's that way. but he likes the stuff i like too... and that just floors me. and everytime we talk he tells me something else that just puts me in a state of complete and total awe...

and i know this is gonna sound odd, but i'm odd, so no problem if y'all dont understand... just listening to his voice... just hearing him talk... makes me feel safe. i've never felt safe before. and he puts me at ease... mellows me out... all my little frustrations arent quite so frustrating while i'm talking to him, or for hours afterwards either :)

he makes me a better person.

pervacious prof. -- part 2

alright... i dont know if you all remember my previous post about my pervacious prof but here's the second installment in the story...

first of all, i need to explain some things. i have this prof for 2 classes. one lecture class and one lab class. one is monday night, the other is wednesday night. even though the classes are on the same subject matter, and many of the students in one are in the other, he never [and i mean never] brings materials for one class to the other class.

so. i didnt go to my monday class because i needed to do work for another class [yeah i know, much akin to stealing from peter to pay paul, but i'm acing my monday class, and if i don't get stuff done for my tuesday class, i'm gonna fail the last project. that would be bad.], as such i wasn't there to get back a project i turned in the week before.

the prof brought it to me at the wednesday class.

i'll admit, i was a little shocked by that... special treatment and all... so i just stared at him for a minute before saying thank you. then i looked at my score. a perfect 100. i'm smart and everything, but i never get a perfect 100 on anything. i always make a stupid mistake somewhere and at least lose one or two points. so now i'm speechless again... and he's still standing there in front of me, staring down at my chest.

no, i was not wearing anything revealing. i was wearing an old oversized denim shirt. not form fitting in the least, and no cleavage showing. so that unnerved me a tad, but i hid it well [yeah, i'm really really good at hiding my emotions when i want to].

then he starts talking to me about the thing... cuz i'd mentioned something that apparently made him think i was way cool [my interest in native american arts and culture in this case], and he's telling me about all these events that he goes to, that i should check out... but not in that "you'd really like the event" tone of voice... in that "well if you went i might run into you there" tone of voice... so i'm like um... i dont have time for that... so then hes all praising me for going to school full time, and working full time, and being a mom and stuff... meanwhile i'm getting more and more uncomfortable... thank god some other girl interrupted to ask him about something class related!

needless to say i didnt stay in class long. just enough for him to go over the assignment, then i got the hell out of there.

i'd say something... i really would... except i need the grades... lol.

pick a format darn it!

alright... imma try to go back to being the normal hilariously sarcastic me for a little bit... this floating on cloud 9 thing is totally exhausting, and i'm tellin ya, my face hurts from all this damned smiling and laughing. lol. [yeah i know, poor poor me right? haha]

so right now i'm going to bitch and moan about the whole insense [insence?] industry.

ummmm can we stick to a single style please?? just pick one, and go with it. i dont care what it is, honest i dont. just pick one goddamned shape and make that the industry standard! what is bringing on this little rant of mine? well... i went out to get a new insense [i dont know how to spell the word okay? for once, i honestly do not know how to spell a word. goodness, like i'm a walking dictionary or something :P] holder, cuz well, i cant find my old one... more than likely it was in a box that i tossed out without thoroughly going through, or something... but yeah. so i got one. a pretty one, with a lid, and a little drawer for the insense sticks. it'll work great for the stuff i already have, but all i have left at the moment is vanilla [not that i'm complaining mind you, i love vanilla more than life itself] and i really wanted some jasmine. [i adore jasmine too, just not quite as much as vanilla... jasmine is my third favorite scent. vanilla first, then lavender, THEN jasmine].

so i'm looking through the selection the guy has got... most of it in boxes so you cant tell what it looks like without breaking seals [i think that was on purpose...] and i find cones of it... which i dont have a holder for, nor do i want one. cones just arent as pretty. [what? insense isnt about looking pretty? bullshit. why else do they make the sticks all sorts of different colors? what? to tell the different scents apart? oh... well... oh. *pouts* i thought it was so they looked pretty] besides, cones are just a pain in the ass to light and they just burn funky and i dont like them. so i finally find a box of the stick kind. great. yay. i'm happy. until after i buy the stuff and finally get to open the box. they're not the regular kind... you know, with the thin part that sticks in the holder... nooo not these. they're missing that particular bit... and need a metal holder thats designed for them... which i do not own. bleh. so yeah... can we freakin pick a format people? i mean really. cones, sticks with thin parts to fit wooden holders, or sticks without thin parts that need metal holders. just freakin pick one. [and hopefully not cones cuz i hate cones. with a passion] eh. at least the holder i picked out is pretty :D all carved n stuff. nice.

so... vanilla insense it is... tonite after i've finished frying my brain on business homework and am trying to relax and chase all the numbers outta my head by talking to my army boy :)

on cloud 9

okay... for those of you demanding details [aurora... *ahem*]... TOUGH. lol. i am NOT gonna spill all that out on a blog... not only would i be embarassed as all hell, but he probably would be too... so i'm gonna compromise with y'all. i'll post the basics here, and for those of you who are desperate for anything more, i'll have an email that i can send to ya if ya ask for it REAL nice :P

[disclaimer: this is going to ramble, and be rather incoherrent as i am currently unable to think straight *grin*. oh yeah. lots of grinning too. you'll see *grin*]

so yesterday i get home [finally], and i'm so anxious about him calling that i dive straight into my homework to try and take my mind off of it. yes... i forgot about dinner... oops... but thats okay :) he said he was gonna call 'after nine' and he did. 3 minutes after. hehe *grin* we were on the phone til after midnight... and he kept me laughing, smiling and giggling the WHOLE TIME *grin* in fact, i went to bed with a HUGE grin on my face, woke up the same way, and have had that same grin on my face ALL of today :) i slept better than i have in years... so well that i didnt have to hit the snooze button on my alarm this morning. i am in heaven. and this is just after a phone call... imagine how i'll be when he's finally HERE... within reach... right there for me to see, and touch... *sighs happily -- still grinning* [yes, i know. i know. i'm hopeless. i dont care *grin*]

i havent been this happy in... well... ever. i havent ever laughed so much, or smiled so much either. i didnt think this kind of bliss was actually possible... i really didnt... i thought it was just a fairy tale... i was so wrong. and boy am i glad i was wrong *grin*

thanksgiving, and the ensuing events.

thanksgiving for me this year was hell. not that i didnt enjoy going to my mom's and hanging out with my sister (who i never get to see) and doing a puzzle all day... but this was the first year i have spent thanksgiving away from my son.

growing up, i alternated holidays at my mom's and dad's. i never thought much of it. i never bothered to think how they might feel about the situation. now i know. its hell. sheer living hell. holidays are all about spending time with family... and i wasn't allowed to have the most important part of my family with me, not even for one minute of the day, not even for a phone call. i had thought i would be alright. i thought it wouldnt matter so much. i've never much been one for holidays anyway... but i wasn't alright, and it did matter ever so much, and suddenly what used to be a convenient excuse to hang with my sister, and play with the cats, turned into... something dreadfully depressing.

after my mom dropped me back home thursday night, i fell into that pit... and stayed there until i got myself drunk on friday night, forcing myself into the manic high that cures all ills. of course, being chemically induced, it didnt last longer than that night... and the depression was of course even worse when i woke up the next day. thus saturday's morbid post. i'll admit... i was walking the edge. and there is a fine line between depression and suicidal tendencies... and on saturday that line was a very very fine line indeed. but saturday came to an end, and sunday my friend forced me to get dressed and dragged me outta my apt to go do my field research that i didnt really wanna do at all... but it was good. getting dressed helped. getting out of the house helped. the european lunch we had (wine included) helped. and by the time i got home, i was in a pretty decent mood. a mood so decent that i actually accepted an invite out for dinner. cool beans for me huh? not a bad night at all.

today though.... today was... is... wow. i'm flying. wanna guess why? wanna guess who i finally heard from? yes! you're right! turns out that all this time, my army boy was on a BOAT. he wasnt home at all! well heck. all that worrying for nothing. sheesh. but yeah so he emailed me this morning, then called me twice, and hes gonna call me tonite after i get home... i'm so amazingly happy right at this moment that it actually hurts. i have never been so happy that i've cried in public... until today... wow talk about embarassing... sitting at my desk in tears for reasons unknown to anyone else... thank god people ignored it!

so yeah, all is right with the world again. and i have a feeling its gonna stay that way for a while this time :)

nothing and no one

so here i am, on a weekend for once. this is rare. i'm avoiding my homework at the moment, as i have been all week... i cant bring myself to touch it. i keep looking at the stack of papers i have to go through, to work on, and eventhough i know i must do the work now, i cannot bring myself to even lift one finger towards them. i cant bring myself to do much of anything at the moment. i'm lost in that pit of despair... the one in which all actions seem pointless. nothing matters. nothing feels good. everything feels empty. meaningless.

i dont even care that i am alone. it doesnt matter. everything is grey and worthless.
i was manic yesterday. beautifully wonderfully manic. flying. feeling. feeling good. feeling great. a force of nature... and now, now its gone. i slept, and its gone. i woke up empty. devoid of purpose. no motivation to even move. no sense of self. at this moment, i am no one and nothing. i see myself as if from far away. everything is distant. shallow. thin and lacking cohesiveness. it is as if i am viewing things from behind a veil of thick fog.

i need something to snap me out of this. someone to wake my slumbering heart. to make me feel good. to force me to feel good. but there is no one.

in my post about wanting to go home, someone left a comment saying that "home is where the heart is." well... i know where my heart is. its no longer in my posession. i handed it away on a cutting board, with a heavy cleaver to go along with it... and prayed that it would stay whole. i havent seen it since. and i am empty. lost. without purpose.

i wander through life as a zombie would... only doing what i do because i have to. only going to work because i have to. only eating because i have to. sleeping because there is nothing else to do. living because my heart refuses to stop beating, because my lungs refuse to stop breathing.

there is nothing, and no one... not for me.

oh my god, will it never cease??

Parental Discretion Advised -- this post contains excessive profanity. please read at your own risk.

alright dammit. i've had it about up to here *marks the air above her head with her fingers*. all these assinine excuses for parents need to be wiped off the face of the planet.

i am referring to the couple mentioned here as STARVING their 14 month old child to death. their house was FULL of food! its not like they were poor and just couldnt buy anything... the house was fucking full of goddamned food, and they let their baby starve to death! they had to have physically withheld food, blocked him from getting it, cuz i know when my son was hungry, even at that young age, if i wasnt fast enough getting him something to eat, he found something on his own. i dont understand what the hell is going on here. i dont get why there is suddenly a rash of parents who are murdering their children, mistreating their children in such horrific manners. abortion is legal folks, you didnt have to have the child in the first place. and if you actually wanted that baby, why arent you loving it, and cherishing it, and caring for it with every ounce of your being? WHY? why purposefully bring such a beautiful piece of life into the world, and then torture, abuse, and kill it? WHY?

i just dont get it. i'm just completely and totally stumped. what a fucking waste.

another one???

Parental Discretion Advised -- this post contains excessive profanity. please read at your own risk.

holy shit! theres like an epidemic of idiotic inept negligent parents out there! i just read another story about a mother locking her son in the trunk of her car while she and her boyfriend went to a bar and partied!

what the fuck is WRONG with these people???

friggin outraged

Parental Discretion Advised -- this post contains depictions of graphic violence and excessive profanity. please read at your own risk.

i was crusing the blog-verse this morning, avoiding work as usual, when i came across a post that riled me up something fierce. the post linked to a story about a woman who CUT OFF HER CHILD'S ARMS. what in the fuck?? i dont care how frigging depressed you are, you dont hurt a baby. EVER. under ANY circumstance. this woman, and i hesitate to refer to her as anything resembling a human being, was "suffering from postpartum depression" and therefore cut off the arms of her 11 month old baby girl. fuck! you know, i've been pretty goddamned depressed, but the only person i ever even dreamed of fucking killing was myself. never ever ever EVER would i dream of thinking of hurting my son, my baby, my everything. thats part of being a mother dammit. but no. this... this... abomination took out her depression on her defenseless child. who couldnt even fucking walk. she tortured the baby. TORTURED her. can you imagine? cuz i sure as fuck cant. how? HOW could she have done that? HOW could she have gone against every maternal instinct, every ounce of value of human life, every ounce of love and affection that women have? how how how?

as parents, its our sole purpose in life, above anything and everything else, to care for and protect our children. even from ourselves if need be. so how in the name of god's green earth could this woman harm her baby in any possible way? how could she dismember her own child? how? and you know what? fuck that. forget how. WHY? what in the world would cause her to do it? i cant fathom it. i dont WANT to fucking fathom it. i am so shocked. so appalled. so outraged. so fucking angry. you just dont DO that! children are innocents! they havent had the chance to do anything wrong! to hurt them, purposefully... to damage them... to torture and kill them... is... is... EVIL. its INHUMAN. i dont think the devil himself is capable of such malice!

oh oh, and heres the friggin kicker. shes blaming it on the postpartum depression to get out of getting the damned death penalty. i'm sorry, but if anyone deserves the death penalty, it is this woman. and i hope to god she burns in hell for all of eternity too. fuck. i just cant believe this shit. what in the hell is this world coming to? what in the fuck is wrong with people?

jesus fucking christ. i just cant get over this shit. i'm angry. i'm so very very angry. and sickened. i'd like to cut her arms off and see how she likes it... but no, no, this is a "humane" society. we dont do the whole "eye for an eye" thing anymore. well dammit, maybe we fucking should. maybe we should go back to cutting off people's hands for stealing, and executing them for murdering people, and dismembering them for dismembering people... i'd like to see this woman drawn and quartered actually. because of the shock and fear and pain she put her baby through... that poor poor child... what she must have been thinking... that her own mother would torture her, and hurt her in such a way... my god... my god... *sigh*

wanting to go home

i keep finding myself wanting to go home, but i dont really know where that is. its not my apartment. its not either of my parent's houses. its like i've been searching for this place my entire life, and not finding it...

maybe home isnt a place. maybe home is a feeling.

what do i want

i'm out of sorts today [more so than usual, yes, thank you for pointing out that i'm always out of sorts]. the last little bits of yesterday's migraine is still hanging around causing me a slight loss of equilibrium... but thats not it really. i'm getting rather used to that.

i think its more that ive been noticing a theme in the conversations i have, and the blogs and websites i read regularly [no, they're not all listed over there on the sidebar. there are some that i read that i will not be advertising to you folks]. it all seems to revolve around what i want. or rather, in the case of the blogs, what THEY want, which makes me think about what i want. relationship wise that is, not what i want for lunch [which i already had, btw. korean bbq spicy chicken over rice, with kim che, salad, and a tempura potato slice. ummmmmmmm my fave].

well what i want... i dont know. no thats wrong. i do know. i just dont know if its actually obtainable. i thought i had it for a moment there, but as things are turning out, it seems i was dreadfully mistaken [that is still subject to debate... the whole not knowing thing... no communication thing... its easier to just assume the worst and be done with it though so thats rather what i'im doing]. so what do i want? oh its simple enough. so simple that i have no idea why its so hard to get ahold of.

i want someone...

...to come home to
...to wake me up when i fall asleep doing course work on the living room floor, and help me to bed.
...to hug and hold me when i've had a hard day, week, month, or year.
...who loves me because of my flaws, not in spite of them.
...to be strong for me when i just cant be anymore.
...to take care of me when i need to be taken care of, even if i wont admit it.
...who appreciates me for whats inside my head, as well as whats inside my clothes.
...that i can trust, with anything and everything.
...that i can respect and admire.
...who makes it their mission in life to make me smile.
...who makes me feel loved.
...who makes me feel safe.
...who wont betray me.
...who wont abandon me.

is all that really too much to ask for? really?

ah the wonders of modern education

so i spent most of this weekend being domestic and all that fun stuff... dishes... grocery shopping... dishes... cooking [pancakes from scratch -- no box mixes in MY house thank you! and spaghetti with meat sauce -- yes the meat sauce was from scratch too. no, i did not make the pasta from scratch. its just not cost effective, or time efficient. and yes, those were two separate meals. please people, remember, you're talking to (erm... reading?) someone who went to culinary school!]... dishes... gads, dishes. i'm sick of washing dishes. i need a frigging dish washer. i had my son though, so that was fun. he helped me with the groceries, picking out which type of salad we wanted, which kind of dressing to buy, which apples to get, that kind of thing. admittedly he was severely dissappointed by the stores lack of "car carts" but what 5 year old boy wouldnt be? [car carts -- shopping carts with playskool ride in cars in the front. ingenius design in my opinion. i mean gosh, what could possibly make taking your kids to the store easier than letting them ride in a race car while you do your shopping?] i was a little dissappointed myself, cuz instead of riding in the cart where he was safely out of the way, he wandered around getting into all sorts of trouble [okay, not really, but hey... its the potential that i was worried about, not the actual]. dont get me wrong, KG is an angel [KG -- see The Kindergeek Chronicles for more details about KG] most of the time, but he's hyper as all get out, and frankly, mom just cant keep up. not after running on 4 hours sleep a night for the past... oh... semester. hah. but he's really growing up... to the point that i can send him to get stuff for me in the store without much in the way of supervision. case in point, the cookie aisle was just next to where i was in line for the check out, so to keep KG active and unbored, and not crashing our cart into the poor woman in front of us, i sent him on a mission to pick out cookies while i stayed put. took him three tries to find something that wasnt sugar free or fat free, but as always third time's the charm, and he brought back some double fudge sandwich cookies that are now sitting in my cupboard calling to me even while i'm here at work. [i resisted their wiles and temptuous ways all weekend dammit, i'm not about to give in now!! no cookies for me! bad carbs, bad carbs! LOL].

sunday however was relegated to me doing a research paper for Geography. [Geography?? yes... geography is a college class. let me clarify. Physical Geography -- Earth Systems. reminiscent of the "stupid" science in high school, aka earth science, only much much harder. no, we are not learning about states and capitals. we are learning about weather systems, and earthquakes and volcanoes, and how fog forms, and what causes errosion, and shit like that.] it took about 10 times as long as i thought it was going to [meaning i thought it was going to take me an hour, and it took 10 instead], but i did finally get it done with the help of about a half a bottle of a really great australian shiraz. [Black Swan, for those of you who care to know, and for those of you who have no clue what i'm talking about, thats red wine. yeah yeah, doing homework while tipsy does not guarantee one an A, but it does guarantee one a lot more fun at least!] and yes, i'm finally getting to the title of this post. guess what? i don't have to print it out. i took my .wpd, published it to .pdf, and burned it to a CD. woohoo! [why not just email it? dont ask me, i didnt make the rules. but i AM asking about that for the next one] goodness. i remember a time when to put graphics into a report, you had to cut out the paper they were on, and glue them to the pages of your report, then type around them on a type writer... man. i must say, not turning in something hard copy does make me a little bit nervous. but i'm so not gonna print all those color maps and legends... talk about a waste of ink... and so not worth my time, or my money. besides, this was my first time using the CD burner on my new laptop... wow. [yes, i am awed at my own technical proficiencies. can you blame me? come on. you know i deserve applause... ] hopefully i successfully awe my instructor with my desktop publishing skills to the point that he doesnt notice that the content of my paper is complete and utter drivel, except for the part where i totally kiss ass... [i'm getting all together too skilled at kissing ass... its starting to scare me. will i wake up one morning to find my nose a lovely shade of burnt umber?? oh god i hope not, that would totally clash with the rest of my complexion]

anyway... i'd better get back to these damned invoices. you know, i really hate how these things never seem to go away. just as soon as i think i've paid everything, more things show up to be paid for! thank goodness i get to use someone else's money to take care of it all, or i'd be having a triple by-pass by now!

i suppose here's a good place to explain kinda what i do [for those of you who dont know already that is]. i say kinda, because, well, if i told you everything, you'd be staring at me with a blank stare on your face, your chin on the floor, and drooling from lack of comprehension. we all know by now that i work at a university. i fall into the class [yeah... class... sure... the invisible class...] of employee called "clerical" or "administrative support". personally, i prefer clerical, cuz, well, it just sounds... less like a bra. anyway. so i work for UC Berkeley. but i work in the accounting office of a research lab. [i'd say which one, but well, you might be able to figure out who i am, and come pester me or stalk me or something else equally horrendous of that nature] the fancy way to explain my job is to say that "i administrate research contracts" which, while true, isnt all together accurate. i am accounts payable, accounts receivable, a cashier, a file clerk, an auditor, an accountant, a janitor, and a baby sitter all rolled into one. yeah most of that is self explanitory... janitor and babysitter though, well those are interesting, and the ones i spend most of my time doing. janitor -- i spend my entire day cleaning up the mistakes and messes that other people have made, accounting wise. babysitter -- i hold the hand of my "superiors" whenever something simple comes up, and take over completely when something complicated comes up. i clean up after them, play games with them [big bureaucratic games -- and only because they require it of me, i.e. winding my way through the maze of red tape they have laid out, or jumping through hoops that they hold up for me], read them stories [basically tell them things the way they want to hear it, and in essence, kissing ass some more *sigh*], and try my best to get them to sleep [the hell out of my hair] and keep them that way when ever humanly possible. I handle, on my own, over 275 active accounts. that doesnt include the accounts that are supposed to be inactive, but for one reason or another, have some long overdue problem which causes them to become active again. i work directly for 9 people. [yes, you read that right. i have 9 overlords. do you SEE why i contemplate suicide??]. one of those people is my official supervisor. the other 8 are people who are higher ranking on the buraucratic totem pole than i am, and hand work to me to do. generally their work. i am of course required to do said work, as they are higher up than i am [note, these are the same people that i spend all day cleaning up after and babysitting]. i do the job of 3+ people. and i do it better than anyone else here. i know more too, which bothers me sometimes, because i end up doing yet another job that is NOT in my job description -- playing help desk. [got a tech problem? call tess. got an accounting problem? call tess. got a medical problem? call tess. cant figure out a basic level report? call tess, eventhough you make about 4 times as much as she does, and have been in your job longer than she's even been alive... GRRRR]. oh, and while i work at one of the most prestigious technological universities in the WORLD, i am relegated to hardcopy files. yes. HARD COPY. stacks and stacks of paper, 4 filing cabinets worth a year, thousands and thousands of trees a day. is there something wrong with this picture?? no document imaging equipment? why are we not doing everything by .pdf? hell, if i can turn in my homework on CD, why the hell cant i have last years invoices on CD?? oh the idiocy.

anyway... welcome to my life

[not that i'm complaining or anything... *ahem*]

a new distraction

well, i have found yet another distraction [like i needed one, sheesh]. i've now got not one, but two [yes, two, what of it?] stat tracking proggies for my blog. each one had a couple features different than the other, so i got both. [hey, they're free, so who cares?]

one of them says that someone someplace near new zealand is reading my blog... the other doesnt recognize that particular event for some reason... maybe the first one is hallucinating, it doesnt log IP addresses. the second one does however, which is totally cool, cuz i can see who visited me, and how long they stayed and how they got here.

let me just say, i was shocked. i didnt know so many random people from all over the US read this thing. i mean, i knew my immediate friends did... but wow. theres someone from the universtity of wisconsin, madison who shows up daily - for the past two days anyway [hi hi whoever you are :) hope this all is entertaining for ya :)]

on to other tech related nonsense... it is really disturbing how much information is dumped onto a website when you visit it. in fact, having my own site meter [WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY down there at the very bottom for those of you who are interested in seeing how many hits i've had since Nov. 17] has made me quite wary of how many times i hit my favorite blog sites for updates. i mean, gosh, i dont wanna seem like a stalker or anything! i've already had one experience where someone wondered about the berkeley.edu IP that was hitting their site on a regular basis... um... yes right out there in a blog post... talk about putting me on the spot [wisconsin, no worries, and no pressure :) i was just using you as an example, not trying to pressure you to speak out or anything like that -- not that i'd mind some comments every now and again *wink wink*]. but yeah, that particular happening prompted me to wonder what kind of hits *--I--* was getting, and put up a site meter, and a "data archiving system" from re_invigorate to quench my curiosity.

until i put these up, and checked the stats on a... um... well... hourly basis [yes, yes, i am pathetic, but having fun with my new toy. it will wear off eventually, i promise, and i will go for weeks without checking stats -- of course, site meter emails me a report every week, so i dont HAVE to check the stats if i dont want to go out of my way...*ahem*] i didnt realize how much information goes along with that one action of bringing up a web page. you give out all sorts of info, like your IP, your browser, your OS, what time zone you're in, what language is your default, if you clicked a link to get to the site, what resolution your screen is set at, if cookies are enabled on your computer... sheesh. who knew.

so yeah, now i'm paranoid about going to websites repeatedly during the day. i mean, gosh, its not like a berkeley.edu domain on my IP is inconspicuous or something... in fact, it rather sticks out like a sore thumb. from home, well, i blend in as just another pacbell.net IP amongst the masses. bleh. i much prefered blog surfing when i thought i was just an anonymous mouseclick... *sigh* leave it to technology to take the fun out of the blog-verse... [except when it comes to my own site hits of course *wink wink*]

and yes, i'm shirking work, and shirking getting some info for a friend that i'd promised to get her weeks ago... and shirking just about anything productive at the moment, to monitor my blog traffic, and blog about my blog traffic [lol. that sounds funny... dont ask me why...]. i need a break sometimes you know? [erm, besides my actual breaks of course... two fifteen minute breaks are NOT enough i tell you! they're just NOT! *stamps her feet and shakes her fists*] gosh. dont be all judgemental about it, please. [okay, so you haven't yet, but well, i have a feeling someone will be eventually, so i'm just hedging my bets here :P]

anyway... someone's gonna be realllllllllly pissed off if i dont get these invoices approved for payment... [namely the vendors... who i dont really care about, since most of them are HUGE companies that are getting paid with the money that they originally donated to us... erm... so why didnt they just give us the equipment outright, instead of making a buracratic nightmare for me? who knows... maybe cash is a bigger tax write-off -- something to ask my business prof about] ... so i should really be getting back to work for the next hour and a half, or until i decide to leave, which might be any minute at this rate. its friday, hardly anyone else is here, who's gonna notice? [oh right, the people not getting their payments cuz i didn't process them yet. damn. *sigh*]

wow...

umm... gosh guys... i thought you all knew by now how totally and utterly fatalistic i can be at times... and that its nothing to worry about... but uh... all the IM's and emails and things... really, i'm okay. thanks for giving a shit tho :)

now... to calm all your fears that i'm gonna curl up in a ball and hide in the bottom of my closet for a month or two, or that i'm gonna toss myself off the top of Evans Hall here on campus, or stop eating and sleeping or something equally as ridiculous... i'm not.

[brief history lesson: Evans Hall on UCB campus is famous for being the most popular suicide spot for frustrated students who are failing and cant bring themselves to tell their parents. every year, 2 or 3 people throw themselves from the top of the 15-20 story building, and plummet to their very very messy deaths on the concrete below. and the numbers are only that low now because someone got smart and made it so you needed a key card to get to the roof. the insanely determined and desperate still manage to find their ways to the balconies of the upper floors however, maintaining this horrific building's reputation. it really doesnt help that the thing looks like a cross between a prison and a mental institution... maybe if they changed the color to a nice soothing blue, instead of slate grey with olive green accents... hmmm... ]

if theres one thing thats apparent about the blog-verse [as i like to call it], it is the most theraputic venting forums in the history of mankind [or if you're all PC and stuff, personkind]. just like most people out there with personal blogs, i use this thing to vent, to scream, to cry, when i'm not allowed to actually do any of those things, or when theres no one around to listen. i also tend to just freewrite a lot of the time, and ramble out all the weird fukt up shit thats going on in my head. thats why i seem like a crazed lunatic on here most of the time [okay, so i really am a crazed lunatic, its just that i hide it better in RL]

so yeah... i feel shitty. i do have horrible paranoid fears. that they might come true depresses me. but all that is kinda normal for me... i freak out about nothing all the time. so its all good. i'll survive. i always do.

and you all are just awesome too -- big huge bear hugs to all y'all *grin* [oh my god, did i just say "all y'all"? just shoot me... someone... please... ]

sad sappy song lyrics

again... how i feel right now...

Norah Jones -- Turn Me On

Like a flower waiting to bloom
Like a lightbulb in a dark room
I'm just sitting here waiting for you
To come home and turn me on

Like the desert waiting for the rain
Like a school kid waiting for the spring
I'm just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on

My poor heart, it's been so dark since you been gone
After all, you're the one who turns me off
You're the only one who can turn me back on

My hi-fi's waiting for a new tune
The glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes
I'm just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on
Turn me on

for everyone who keeps asking...

no, i still have not heard anything from my army boy, and i'm starting to doubt that i will...

i've done my research and found out that his entire brigade is home, and has been home since a few days after i last talked to him.

i'm glad he's home safe, and thats my one solace in not having heard a single thing from him since then.

its been 3 weeks... and the more time that goes by... the less able i am to find any sort of rationalization for why i havent heard anything. the less i'm able to find the ability to hope for the best.

i've never been a very positive person to begin with. i'm a pessimist and a cynic. always have been, always will be. but this has been a learning experiece for me at the very least. i've learned that its possible for me to be hopeful about a dreadful situation. that i dont always have to focus on the worst scenario. its a lot of effort for me, but for the past 5 1/2 months, i've done it. but now... i'm reaching my limits of positive and hopeful thinking... especially when in talking to a friend/co-worker, she echoed my worst fears...

i'm drained. i dont have the energy to keep myself in good spirts anymore. i dont have the energy to keep trying to see the positive side of things. i dont have the energy to keep hoping. waiting is easy. as long as i dont have to think good thoughts while i do it... so now, instead of waiting for a "i'm back, and i'm coming to see you, i cant wait to see you" email or phone call, i'm waiting for a "i'm sorry, i've changed my mind" email or phone call. those are easy to wait for, since you never really want to get them...

maybe now i wont be checking my email frantically every 10 minutes, and dashing to check my voicemail the moment i walk in the door, or worrying about whether or not web messenger is working well enough for him to send me an IM...

oh, and for all of you who haven't checked out the links over there --->
click the "love is a cunt" one. thats how i'm feeling right now.

waiting sucks @ss

still no word from my army boy.

i can only assume that he's home. most of his brigade is. i only know this because i have started to obsessively comb the internet for information out of extreme neurotic worry.

its been two and a half weeks since we talked. two and a half weeks since i reassured him that i thought he would be coming home soon. two and a half weeks since he said "ditto" [yes, like in Ghost... its so adorable... ]. two and a half weeks since i've been able to witness what kind of an effect i have on him; how happy i make him. two and a half weeks since i've had a clue about whether or not he's okay.

yesterday i came home to find a strange message on my voicemail... someone breathing out really hard, just once, [seemingly in frustration, not like, obscene phone call kind of heavy breathing] then hanging up. the number came up as "unknown caller" [which could mean anything really, but leave me to jump to the conclusion that it means its a long distance call from a land line] so i have to wonder if it might have been him trying to get in touch with me...

silly yes. but i'm so anxious to see him. its been almost six months since we started talking. [yes, typically female of me to remember that isnt it? and get this, i even know the exact date... 5/27/2004... wow scary] almost six months of not seeing him. almost six months of waiting and worrying and caring and loving and wanting and needing and lusting... [sorry if that was tmi for anyone... this is my blog, imma say it if i want to] and really its alot about the worrying. i'm beyond good at worrying, i know it, and so does everyone else. i worry about him constantly, and i would love to have the peace of mind of knowing that he's at home finally, away from the mortars and the grenades and the rifle rounds and the roadside mini-bombs and the snipers and the terrorists and the insurgents and the 20 ft walls that are just so easy to fall off of [he'd know what i was talking about, and laugh, then say "ooooh we got jokes! come on, bring it. whatcha got huh?" with a myriad of spelling errors and that adorable little way of spelling huh as "hugh", and me drowning in laughter... *sigh* dammit i miss him.]

sometimes i feel like a fool for feeling this strongly for someone that i've never even seen in person [or even on a webcam for that matter... he's seen me on a webcam... surprised the danged thing didnt break... oh wait... it did recently... hmmmm]. sometimes i feel like a fool for feeling this strongly no matter what the situation. but i just cant help it. and its times like these, when its impossible for me to think of anyone, or anything, but him. times like these where i wish to god he were here, even if just to calm my stupid irrational fears about what might possibly have happened to him.

let me tell you the thing that proved to me that i would fall hopelessly in love with this man... its a silly little thing, and you're going to laugh your head off and call me a freak, but thats okay.

the first time he saw me on cam... the very first time... we were talking, and being silly, and maybe even flirting a little bit [okay, so we were flirting a lot. what of it?]... and i of course was genuinely smiling for the first time in oh, months. and he tells me that he likes that my nose goes to the right a little bit when i smile shyly. [okay, commence laughing, go ahead, its alright, i give you permission] i of course am shocked and appalled at this revelation. but he insists that he likes it, that its adorable... and proceeds to tell me how the things about people that are generally considered flaws are the things he always likes the most about them... [i adore that about him. i positively LOVE that about him. i wish more people thought that way.] but it was at that moment that he said the thing about my nose... that he noticed that little quirk about me, and liked it, and TOLD me he liked it... i knew right then and there that i was going to fall hopelessly and desperately in love with this man... that this was the man i was going to be with... well... forever.

i'm reluctant to admit that here of all places, where he could wander across it sometime without my knowing... but you know what? i dont think he'd be surprised. he reads me better than anyone i've ever known. and i think its something that he probably realizes already. and if he doesnt... well... babe, you do now dontcha? hehe. the funny thing is, everytime i say something to him that i think is going to make me seem like a raving lunatic, or a fool, or an idiot, i'm always wrong. i always seem to make him happy. i love that. that i have the ability to make him happy...

gads i am so rambling... and i need to go home... maybe i'll ramble more later.

i am now, officially, in hell.

alright. i'm pissed off.

they've locked down the network here at the office, and deleted my yahoo messenger.

i understand there are security issues. i understand that they've had problems with spyware and viruses. but none of those problems took place on MY computer. i havent downloaded anything harmful. i haven't had my computer compromised. i am one of the few people here besides tech support that are actually tech savvy, and know what the fuk i am doing when it comes to websites and downloads. why am i being punished?

because everyone else that works here is an IDIOT when it comes to the internet!!! people who have to use their computers all day every day to do their jobs. people who have to use the internet daily to do their jobs. and they know NOTHING about it. idiots.

and i lose my admin priviledges because of THEM... so can't have my yahoo installed, and am instead relegated to using the web messenger. which is a piece of shit. a crappy piece of shit that i cant even turn off my multiple profiles on, and am now getting messages from people that i dont want to talk to!! and the people that i DO want to talk to, well, their messages get lost in cyber-limbo!! *sobs pitifully*

i am now, officially, in hell.

i'm going to go cry in the rest room for the rest of the morning... *sigh*

awash in an ocean of unknowns

i dont know if any of you have figured it out yet, but i hate "the unknown".

rather, i hate not knowing what i need to know to organize my life. its the OCD. i'm one of those people who prefers to plan out the details, rather than play things by ear. i dont like surprises. i like to be prepared. i like things to be relatively concrete. sure, spontineity is great... as long as i know i'm supposed to be spontaneous, and what i'm supposed to be spontaneous about.

dont take that to mean that i'm a rigid b*tch, cuz i'm not. i like fun. fun is great. i even like meandering around with no specific destination on the occasional weekend... [but thats not concrete, you say, thats not having the details planned out... oh, but it is, if i've planned to meander around with no specific destination! see! so there! :P] its just that when it comes to a situation where i'm supposed to ... oh... have someone come stay with me, well, i generally like to know when thats going to be, and how its gonna work, a reasonable amount of time beforehand.

unfortunately, the army does not believe in concrete schedules. and even if they did, they dont believe in releasing them to the people affected by them. so here i am, waiting to see what my week is going to look like. waiting to see if i'm having someone stay with me or not. waiting... waiting... waiting... to know what in the hell is going on. and not hearing anything. from anyone. left guessing.

and as we've previously established, leaving me guessing... is a horribly bad thing to do. because i will come up with every single horrific, terrible, terrifying occurance, instead of what is more than likely actually going on. yes, i'm pessimistic. i admit it. i'm cynical too, and rather afraid of quite a lot of things. including the unknown. which, is why i hate it. again, i find myself being quite normal in this aspect of myself...

hate is born of fear you know, and fear of the unknown is the most common fear there is... thats why theres all these racial tensions everywhere. because we dont know enough about each other to not be afraid. and because we're afraid, the easiest thing to do is to hate.

well, me, i dont hate any races. thankfully i've overcome that particular normalcy. for a white chick with an upper middle class upbringing, i've been remarkably lucky in meeting someone nice, and great, and wonderful, from every race. white, black, yellow, red, whatever other color there might be [you could be fuschia, and i honestly wouldnt care, except to maybe try to find out more about you, because well, i've never seen a fuschia person before, and what must that be like???] african, asian, middle eastern, european, central american, south american, native american, regular old american... i've got aquaintences from all those places. i've had boyfriends from several of those places. very nearly had myself a girlfriend from pakistan once too... so yeah, cultural differences dont scare me. that kind of unknown doesnt scare me in the least. in fact, i find it interesting, intreguing, and all together worth my while to find out about.

its the unknown day to day things that freak me out. the whether or not the bus will be on time uknown. the am i going out this weekend or not unknown. the what on earth am i going to have for dinner uknown. the is so-and-so going to call me an idiot because i said that unknown. stupid, yes. but thats just me. i like knowing in advance what's going to be expected of me, and what i should expect from myself, and those directly around me. its a control freak kinda thing; a chronic need to have things organized and each in their own special place, a chronic need to compartmentalize.

you know those people who cant stand having the different foods on their dinner plate touch each other? i dont do that, but thats how i am with life. different things arent supposed to touch each other. work isn't supposed to get into school, and my private life isnt supposed to mix in with work... and when they start to overlap, when they start to mix, its much akin to getting your cranberry sauce mixed in with your mushroom gravy. [yes, YUK. if you like that, you're a freak, and should be banned from making food combination choices for the rest of your life -- no i'm not kidding, i feel that strongly about it!]

and lately... lately... it seems like my whole plate is just one huge ginormous [gigantic + enormous -- thank u sis] grotesque disgusting MESS. everything is running into everything else and getting all sorts churned together... its sickening, and is pushing me to the very ends of my sanity [not that i had much of it to begin with]. this is actually the first cohesive thing i've written in almost a week, i've been so totally overwhelmed.

i'm so glad that i only have one class this week. [thank GOD for veterans day, and profs who want the week off] it'll give me time to get things in order, and calm down a little bit... which i desperately need to do... even if i do have "company" this week. in fact, if i do, that'll be so much nicer... because then i'll get to calm down and be with someone i love desperately at the exact same time! *grin*

ummm... everyone cross fingers and hope things go well the next couple days... i'll be posting to let y'all know.

helpless

what do you say, when there's nothing to say?
what do you do, when there's nothing to do?
how do you heal someone's broken heart, when they don't want it healed?

i'm trying to just be there... but i'm not sure how to do that... i'm ready to listen, happy to listen, but they won't talk...

and i cant even identify, i dont know what they're feeling, i dont know how bad it hurts... i've never been through that... i've never had someone crush my heart under their heel.

i was always the one who did the crushing... a pre-emptive strike, if you will. hurting them before they could hurt me. leaving them before they could leave me.

so i dont know what to say, i dont know what to do, i dont know how to help... but i want to say something, i want to do something, i want to help somehow...

if you're reading this... tell me how... please...

short post today

bad things are happening to all the good people i know. and its depressing. why is it that all the good people always get the short end of the stick, and all the assholes always manage to do well? if someone knows the answer, let me know... i'm too sad, and too tired, to be able to think about it clearly.

weird happening of the day:
suddenly, just before 3pm, when i went out for my smoke break (one of many), it rained, then hailed, then rained, and thundered.

what is this, the mid west?? we're not supposed to get weather like that... this is "sunny" california.

joining the ranks.

i am joining the ranks. the ranks of people blogging about this blasted election that is. and you know what? my post is going to be different than all the rest, because guess what? I did not vote, nor am i going to this year.

the problem is that i am one of the few people who understands that my vote really and truly does not count, in terms of electing the president. my vote does not matter. and anyone who thinks it does has no clue about what the electoral college is up to. it is not the popular vote that makes someone the president, it is the electoral vote. this whole idea that we are getting a say as to who our benevolent dictator will be is complete rubbish. not that it matters much

anyway... in my opinion, neither candidate is better than the other. they're both evil. they will both cause this country to tumble down around our ears. neither of them have what it takes to be a good, strong, HONEST leader. i dont think any politician does. by definition.

now, dont get me wrong. i believe its important to vote. i always have. it is my one opportunity to put in my two cents about what i want for the country. whether it gets ignored or not, has nothing to do with it. its a matter of principle. and if you dont vote, you dont get to bitch and moan. well, i'm retracting that bit about not being able to bitch and moan. in this case, it wouldnt matter if i voted or not, because i dont want EITHER of those snakes in office. i'd just end up writing someone in, like MY SON because hes smarter than the two of them combined (even at 5 yrs old).

and i'm sick and tired of everyone around me telling me how i need to go vote, as if my vote actually counted for anything. you see the commercials on tv about how the last election was won by less than 1000 votes or whatever the heck statistic they throw out there... but you know what? the last election was one because the electoral college voted for bush. plain and simple. it didnt have anything to do with the popular vote. not to mention that frankly, i dont have the time to waste on something that doesnt matter anyway.

polls here opened at 7am. well, i leave for work about that time, if i havent overslept that is. after commuting the hour and something to work, i work 8 hrs with a 1 hr lunch. my 1hr lunch is not long enough for me to commute back home, and then back to work, with time for voting in between. i'd have to take 2 or 3 hours vacation time to make that happen. a half hour after work, i have class until 9:30pm. polls close at 8pm. i have time to vote when?

i should have gotten an absentee ballot you say? yeah well, i didnt get my voter information thingy in time for me to request one. THANK YOU USPS... i live NEXT DOOR to the post office, and guess what??? they cant deliver my mail on time! ever! unless of course its junk mail... god forbid i get THAT late... *doh!*

yeah... so the entire process is screwed up, and i hate it, and i think its pointless, and i think it needs to be torn down completely and rebuilt from the foundation up. i think the electoral college needs to be eliminated, and our elections should be decided 100% by popular vote. isnt that what democracy is all about anyway?? that all men (and women, and transexuals) are created equal? that we all get an equal say in who our government is made up of? doesnt having an electoral college defeat that purpose? cuz it sure seems that if those however-many people get to decide the out comes of our elections, no matter what we as a populous say, they've got a bit more voting power than we do? hmmmm... might that be a problem? i think it is. especially when the electoral college is saying how it will vote before the popular vote has been tallied... or even completely collected... um... yes... BIG problem.

so yeah. i didnt vote. i'm not going to vote this year. if ya got a problem with it... well... keep it to your own danged self [danged was not my original choice of wording... but i didnt want to be too insulting to you all...]

fighting the waves of rising panic...

why am i writing on a post it? i dont know.
[i originally wrote this on a series of post-its cuz i didnt realize it would turn into a full on post...]

i miss my army boy. i wonder if he's okay. i'm afraid that he's gotten home and forgotten about me. not that i'd blame him. i'd completely understand. i just wish i knew. not knowing is what kills me, because then i'm consumed by the dreaded what if's and i start imagining all sorts of irrationally stupid things.

[like his ex girlfriend meeting him when he got back, and them getting back together.
like him going home and mentioning me to his family and them convincing him not to meet me.
like him getting home and forgetting about me in all the chaos...]

i know, i'm paranoid. but i am just so insecure. part of me is so afraid that the only reason he cares about me is that i was the only girl he'd seen in a year... just about anyone would look good at that point... and maybe after getting back and seeing all the other options... maybe i'm not as great as he originally thought... irrational, i know. but then, my fears have never been rational. and this is what happens when the what if's get to me. this is what happens when i let myself give in to my mind wandering off without taking reality with it.

there are so many reasons why he might not be able to talk to me right now. and none of them are as stupid as what i've gone on about. i mean, maybe he's not even home yet. maybe he's still over there, and hasnt been able to get to a computer. maybe he's home, but stuck on base, and can't get to a computer to get my number out of his email and call me. or worse, maybe he's one of the guys that got injured last week, and maybe he's stuck in an army hospital somewhere [ugh... lets not go with THAT thought... that'd be horrible]. its not like i havent gone longer without talking to him... one time it was over a month before i got to talk to him... and that time it was just because there was a heatwave that knocked out all the power... i was just as worried then as i am now, and for no good reason... *sigh*

i'm such a mess... worried to death... and probably for no good reason.

i want to see him, so bad. i want to talk to him, so bad. i want him to be okay. i want him to be home.

i keep re-reading the emails and letters he's sent me, and going back to my IM archives over and over, just to feel close to him, just to smile because of him, just so i dont feel as nervous, or upset, or scared...

he calms me like that, even when he's not around. just thinking about how wonderfully sweet he's been to me puts me more at ease... so going back and reading everything he's ever said to me serves equally as well to calm me down.

he grounds me like no one else i've ever known..

and i wish he were here to do it now...

who needs heavy metal...

with a jack hammer going full bore outside your window?

certainly not me. doesnt help because i cant hear my alt./punk rock and metal over that noise anyway. i swear, if its not one thing keeping me from working effectively, its another... first with the vibrations from the deconstruction next door, now someone is jack hammering underneath my office window. dont they know people are trying to WORK up here?? [yes, i am actually trying to work. my sloth has finally caught up from me, and i'm getting irate inquiries into why something hasnt been processed coming up in my email. and you know, theres only so many times you can say "i'm sorry, but i'm drowning in emergencies right now, i'll get to it when i can" before people stop believing you.]

so right now i'm digging through the pile of paperwork that has been languishing on my desk for a few weeks [okay, so i really HAVE had emergencies to deal with. i'm not THAT lazy. really.], and becoming more and more frustrated and overwhelmed. there is just too much work. more than any normal human being could possibly dream of finishing in a timely manner without working more overtime than normal hours.

i, of course, am NOT a normal human being, which means that true to form, i will get it done in just longer than a timely manner, without working a stitch of overtime, because we are not allowed overtime. [yes, you heard me. the department motto is "fuck productivity, we're not paying you shit to stay late. but oh yeah, you still have to finish 3 people's work in your normal 8 hours or we're gonna write you up."]

can we tell that i am a tad bitter today?

let me give you a clue why... today was pay day. [thats a good thing right? not necessarily.] and pay day, just serves to remind me how grossly underpaid, and unappreciated i am. i mean come ON... 2400 take home?? in the BAY AREA?? are they INSANE?? people cant LIVE on that as singles, let alone pay child support and court fees... shit just makes me wanna quit. except that quitting would mean that i'd have NO income. and well, that would just bite harder, eventhough i could really use the time off. and i've been putting my share into unemployment... oh wait. to get unemployment i have to be laid off or fired. well hell. there goes THAT idea. guess i'm stuck here until i get that degree.

blah. i hate my job sometimes. i'm even starting to hate the work. or at least, the amount of work... this is ridiculous.