Miserably, Horribly, Stuck

Well this is a change... posting from home, I mean.

I am totally and utterly emotionally drained tonight, and yet, I still cant stop my brain from running circles... See, I had a therapist appointment today, and I'm always the worse for it afterwards... I know that doesn't sound like a good thing... But really it is, in a kind of weird way. I think it means that I'm actually thinking, and talking, about the difficult stuff, and trying to work through it. I mean, its not like no progress is made... Its just that I get caught up in all the hurt and stuff, and that stays with me after the session. I have an obsessive mind, thats all. My therapist says thats because of anxiety... I dunno if I buy that though. I just obsess, even about things that aren't bothering me. I get fixated, and can't seem to let go of things. Last night, for example, I was talking with the guy I've been seeing for the past month (OMG a month? Jeez... ) about this creative thing... Making a parody of a game we're both familiar with... And I just kind of got stuck on it. Couldn't stop thinking stuff up. I was even thinking about it today at work.

So yeah, back to what I was saying. I obsess on things that most people wouldn't. I can't help it. The meds I take help with that a little bit, but really not enough to put a stop to it even by half. They basically just stop it enough so that I can get sleep, but don't help much during the day. And my latest obsession is frustration with work. I feel trapped in my job... Wholly and completely trapped. I've been applying for jobs all over campus, but can't seem to get any. And because my job is so specialized, and so specific to campus, I don't have the experience necessary to get a job in the private sector. It doesn't matter how smart I am, or how skilled I am at analysis, or how quickly I can learn software... It doesn't matter that I've been doing AR/AP for almost 4 years now. All that matters is that I don't have a degree, and I don't have private sector experience. Admittedly, private sector is MUCH different from public sector... But not so different that I couldn't do it. Besides, I have taken accounting and management classes... I just don't have a full on degree. I need a way to get my foot in the door... And I don't have one. People keep telling me that I should go back to school... But theres no way for me to do that and keep working full time. And I can't afford to not work full time. And even if I do go back to school again... What would I study? I really don't want to be an accountant for the rest of my life... As good as I am at it, I rather hate the lack of thought that it requires. I hate to say it, but its too easy. And yet, the stress levels are ridiculously high. Its a volume thing, and a politics thing, not a difficulty level thing. Its the stress level that I despise you see. I just can't handle them. And as much as I'd love to be an English teacher, the stress levels there are ridiculous too. So what to do?

I haven't a clue really. I just need a break somewhere. Someone to give me a step up, give me a chance to prove myself... I'm SO good at the conceptual stuff, the abstract business principles... Its intuitive for me. I barely have to think about it to be able to pull that kind of thing off seamlessly. But because I don't have a degree, the higher level positions, the positions that deal with the abstract and conceptual work, are denied to me. No matter that I'm better at it than most MBA's that I know... No matter that I live for that kind of puzzle... No matter that I have a natural attention to detail that would make a brain surgeon look inept... All that matters is if I have a degree, and if I've proven myself elsewhere. And it frustrates me.

I can't get ahead... I can't even get sideways. I'm stuck. Miserably, horribly, stuck. And I don't know what to do about it. And neither does my therapist. And neither do my friends. Or my mom. And my dad doesn't understand about being stuck in a job, cuz he's never had to look for one in his life. He's always had them handed to him on a silver platter, or offered to him on bended knee... And he's never had a job that he hated. Ever. So his view is that I should just keep working, and be content to try to move up the ladder where I'm at. He doesn't realize the hell I'm in, and every time I try to explain it to him, he passes it off as mild discontent...

I hate feeling trapped. I hate feeling helpless. Especially when it comes to my own success or lack there of... GRRR.