Taking Care Of ... Who?

I'm having a hard time articulating today, so bear with me here -- it may take some rambling before I can actually get to the point. Though, that might happen more quickly if I actually knew what the point was... *sigh* This is like the fifth or sixth time I've started this damned post, and I'm still not sure I know what I'm trying to say.

I'm overtired. Went to bed late last night, and had weird dreams that kept waking me up every half hour or so. I kept dreaming that a monster from this game I play (World of Warcraft) was chasing me down the halls at work, waving a past due notice at me, with little text bubbles popping up above his head saying things like "I'll freeze your assets" and "pay before I send my bear after you" (the monster had a bear as a sidekick... dont ask). And the whole while I was trying to escape this... thing... people kept stepping out of doorways along the hall, and grabbing me, asking me to do things for them... and I kept saying yes to whatever they asked for, just to get them to let me go...

It all seems remarkably ridiculous now that I'm awake and writing it down for you all to read... But at the time it was frightening. I know exactly what the dream was about though, even if it doesn't make any sense to you all.

I'm overwhelmed. Dealing with everyone else's problems for so long, with so little gotten in return, has made it so that I don't want to help anyone anymore. I've gone out of my way for other people to the point that I've been neglecting myself. And that's never a good thing.

That monster... That monster is all of my wants and needs that I've been ignoring, and the past due notice is how much I owe myself. The strange threats? Well, those are me, telling myself that I've got to give to myself, NOW, or bad things will happen.

The dream is right. I need to slow down, stop taking so much on, and take care of me for a while. It'd be great if I had a little help taking care of me... You know... Some TLC from you know who... But at the very least, I need to get some R&R, and be good to myself a bit.

Selfish...

Thats how I'm feeling today.

There's something I want, something I need, that I can't seem to convince myself to wait for. I want it today. Eventhough I know I cant have it today. Eventhough I know its not fair of me to even ask for it today.

I want some affection, some comfort, to be held, and hugged, and kissed, and shown I'm cared about.

I haven't seen my BF in a few days, and I miss him, and I desperately want him to come spend some time with me, now, while I can, before I have my son for the weekend and can't be anything other than a mom...

I don't want to wait 'til Sunday night, but the BF is busy working. He's behind schedule, and coming up on a deadline, and says he doesn't have time to come over, and won't have time until Sunday.

And as much as I understand and respect that, as much as I know how important it is for him to get that project done, as much as I know that he's not just ignoring me... I still want what I want. I'm still unhappy that I can't have it.

And I feel like a selfish bitch for feeling that way. A lonely, pathetic, irrational, whiny, needy, selfish, bitch.

Drama City...

Okay, I've been a bad blogger, ignoring mine, and my friends' blogs for quite some time. Wouldn't blame y'all if you stopped checking on me -- hell, even I"d have given up after a week or three.

I don't really have much of an excuse, except that I've been busy turning myself into my dad -- a workaholic. For a while there, I think even my BF forgot that there was more to me than work. My fault really, but disturbing and upsetting nonetheless.

See, I'm just way too eager to throw myself full on into anything that makes me feel worthwhile and appreciated. And given that there's not a whole hell of a lot else in my life right now that's even remotely fulfilling, I was working way too hard there for a bit. As a result, I wound up feeling more like just a business partner than a GF. Oops.

Anyway, that seems to be fixed now, and I'm trying to force myself to stop thinking about work all the time (easier said than done mind you).

Oh yeah, this whole time I've been sick as a dog too (what exactly does it mean to be "sick as a dog" anyway?). Xmas eve I caught a cold, which turned into a sinus infection, which gave me asthmatic bronchits... I spent my birthday in the dr's office, and spent new year's on my couch, curled up, praying for death. I'm only now starting to feel normal (well, normal for me anyway, cuz we all know I'm beyond weird).

And during all that, my ex went 5150 on my son's birthday, and I had to spend the entire day watching him to make sure he didn't do anything stupid before the party, and making sure that he got into the hospital... Gawd that was a mess...

And my sister dropped out of college so she could take some time to find herself... Drama city there...

AND just when I thought my job at Berkeley couldn't possibly get any worse -- it did. They've taken away my cozy little office near the ground floor, and stuck me in a high traffic cube farm on the top floor of the building, between a woman who never shuts up, and MY BOSS. Damn. Today I got snapped at because I didn't put up a note saying I'd gone to PICK UP lunch. Not that I'd gone to lunch... but that I'd gone to PICK IT UP. Um.... EX-FUCKING-CUSE ME!

Man, I'm worn. Straight worn. I need a break from life. Seriously. I dunno how much longer I can keep up this pace. I don't even take weekends off anymore, and its majorly taking its toll. *sigh*

Someone kidnap me, and force me to spend a week on the beach in Cancun without my laptop... Or something... Please...