let me feel good for just a few minutes...

today is just one of those days, i suppose... they happen... with a fair bit of regularity, since i refuse to be medicated.

I suffer from several lovely disorders... manic depression, general anxiety disorder, obsessive complusive disorder (albeit mildly), attention deficit disorder, as well as an insulin resistance disorder that has yet to be officially named for itself, but the subsequent symptoms have polished little medical terms...

and today, is just one of those days when i seriously wonder if maybe i should go back on meds. i've been off them for 7 years... i dont really want to go back. i dont like the person they turn me into. i dont like that i cant write when i'm on them. i dont like that they make me not care about things. i like caring about things. i'm a better person for caring, i think, even if sometimes i do care too much and get depressed or freak out cuz of it.

i muddle through... but its a lot harder now that i'm pretty much alone. theres no one around to lean on, no one around to talk to or vent to, no one to make me smile, make me laugh when all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. and that just serves to make things worse because i hate being alone. theres something about it that just scares me, deeply, like it'll go on forever and ever, and i'll be left to live with just my own messed up self for the rest of eternity... which would suck because i do a horrible job at keeping myself company, and theres only just so many conversations i can have with myself before i start looking like a complete loon... haha.

so right now, what i'm craving is someone to be with... someone to hold, and be held by... someone to distract me from myself for just a little while... to make me feel good for just a few minutes...

let me feel good for just a few minutes... just a few... and i can go back to dealing with all this bullshit... i promise...