Why I Don't Have Friends

Well, I have a few. A very few. I can count my friends on one hand, and still have fingers left to spare.

It seems like every time I try to be social, get involved in a group of people, make new friends, I am reminded quite harshly why I have so few.

Petty drama, backstabbing, temper tantrums, lack of respect for others ... These are tendencies that the majority of the human race has, and give into without a second thought.

Example: I hang out on the WoW forums quite a bit. Almost a year ago (maybe a whole year, I don't know), there were a handful of regulars on a particular forum, and we got to talking, being friends, etc. So we formed a little group, and one of us got free forums set up so we could talk outside the other forums. And that went great, except we were getting sick of the advertising on the forums we were using, so one of us bought a domain name, and tried to set up a site. He wasn't very skilled at it, so had trouble getting hosting, getting the templates set up, etc. So the BF offer to have the company donate server space and bandwidth for the endeavor, administrate things for him, and just generally help him out.

But as soon as we get the site set up, he starts getting belligerant. He starts getting a severe case of egotism, and starts stepping on people -- ordering them around, being mean and rude to them, making it out that he's better than everyone else.

I didn't appreciate it, and I told him that more than once, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and stick things out -- hoping he would calm down eventually. Except he didn't.

There was a situation came up that he handled quite badly, and as a result many of our little group ended up really upset... And I wound up getting a temporary ban from the WoW forums because this guy failed to openly communicate certain pertinent information... Fine, whatever, he's a kid, he doesn't understand how to manage stuff, okay.

And then... He uses a slur regarding sexual orientation in our own forum chat. i.e. calling someone gay, as an insult. I think that was the last straw for me. I know it was the last straw for another of our group (who quit on the spot).

I fall into the category of persons who "subscribe" to an alternative lifestyle. Most of my friends do, and the majority of the BF's friends do as well. His company has been active in the LGBT community. So on top of my personal outrage, there's the company to worry about as well. If people found out that we supported a site that allowed that kind of behavior... We'd lose credibility. Maybe even business.

So I called out that person. I told them it was inappropriate. And you know what? He didn't care. He couldn't even understand what he did that was so wrong. He started bad mouthing me to other people in the group. And now the little community that we had is crumbling into tiny pieces, and I'm being held as the bad guy.

Now, he's stepped down as "leader" and handed things over to the rest of the "founding members" of the group... But I'm still being singled out as the reason he quit. I'm being blamed for "freaking out" over a "joke" and causing stupid amounts of drama. Me.

Its shit like this that reminds me why I don't have friends. Why I'm anti-social.

Its not that I'm an introvert (though, I am to a degree), its that I can't stand all the stupid people in the world, and I don't want to have to deal with their crap. I have enough drama of my own. I don't need anyone elses.

How Do You Explain What Fear Feels Like?

Its hard living with someone who doesn't understand how crippling anxiety disorders can be.

I'm struggling with PTSD. Or rather, complex PTSD (theres a difference, yes). I've been struggling with it forever, yeah, but... Lately, with all that's gone on, I just find that I don't have the emotional strength to fight it as well as I used to be able to. I was off work again for 6 months -- went back to work the middle of January this year. And I think it was too soon. Too many things have changed (myself included), and I haven't had time to adjust to them yet. I'm still trying to wrap my head, and my heart, around the life that's been dropped in my lap.

But I go to work every day anyway. I get up in the morning, and drag myself out of bed, despite the fact that I want to hide under the covers for the rest of eternity. I go to work, eventhough it makes me even more miserable than I already feel, and the stress of dealing with my boss and the neverending feeling of complete uselessness make me want to... well... kill someone. Or hide under my desk. Whichever. And half the time I don't even bother going to get lunch because surviving the waves of students in all the restaurants is sometimes more than I think I can pull off.

When I get home... I can't face the dishes, or the laundry, or cleaning the bathroom. I'm already exhausted. Not necessarily physically (though this kind of stress has a tendency to leave you with aches and pains and the like), but always mentally. Most of the time I'm so drained that I'm not interested in food. I'm not interested in anything really. Nothing except trying to forget about the rest of the world.

But my son is there, and I have to pay attention to him. Make sure homework is finished (though the BF helps with that), make sure he's fed, make sure he goes to bed on time... And my BF is there. Many times bombarding me with questions about the financial side of his business. Admittedly, its my job to help him with that. But after a normal day... I can't think straight. I can barely string together a full sentence, let alone an indepth fiscal explanation. And as much as I love him... Sometimes I wish he'd keep the contents of his scientific research/reading/learning to himself. I've long forgotten what the word existential means... And trying to remember gives me a headache.

And when the weekend comes around... The two days a week that I'm not required to leave the house... I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay where I am, and just... Be. Its not that I'm trying to be anti-social, or be a burden on anyone, its that I'm trying to recover from the week, so that I can convince myself to start the whole cycle again on Monday morning.

But you know what the hardest part about all of this is? That the BF doesn't understand, and I don't have the words to explain it to him. How do you explain what it feels like to suffer from anxiety about everything and nothing at the same time? It'd be easier to try and explain what an orgasm felt like (yeah, you try to explain that one with any sort of success. Just you go ahead and try it).

How do you explain what fear feels like? How do you explain that before you've even stepped out the door in the morning, your mind drops into overdrive thinking about all the horrible things that can go wrong. That it tries to convince you that all those things WILL go wrong. That it pulls random memories out of thin air, and forces you to re-live them whether you want to or not. That it runs a mile a minute no matter what you do to stop it.

Its like having a tornado inside your head. Except that its not. *sigh*

And even if you can manage to explain part of all that... How do you explain the why's behind it?

It defies logic. Its completely irrational. Even explaining what the original trauma was doesn't explain the why... Because your mind doesn't just obsess on that. It picks anything and everything else... Maybe to avoid that original trauma. I don't know. No one knows really. Psychiatrists have been trying to understand it for decades, and are still failing.

And when you can't explain any of it... When the person you're dealing with doesn't understand... They don't treat you the way you need to be treated. They get frustrated, and angry, and blame you for things (like not wanting to go out for food), and generally just make you feel like shit for feeling like shit. And it just makes things worse. It makes it impossible for you to talk to that person about anything of importance, to open up to any degree. Because you're afraid they'll just get more angry... And you can't handle any more pain than you're already dealing with.

You're afraid that if you do tell them, and they don't understand, and they get angry and frustrated, and say hurtful things... You'll break... Break even more than you already have... Because you just don't have the strength to try and defend yourself.

So you fall in on yourself. You don't say anything. You bottle it all up. You don't explain yourself, or even try. And fullfill your own prophecy. That person, they understand even less, and they get more frustrated, and more angry... And then they DO say hurtful things...

Instead of them understanding that things are just HARD for you. Harder than for normal people. That you feel things more than normal people. That you hurt more than normal people. That you're afraid more than normal people. And most of the time, you don't even know why.

Instead of them being sympathetic, and kind, and them trying to coax you gently to do what you're so reluctant to do.

I know its tiring to deal with someone like me. I know it is. I don't expect perfection in dealing with me. It'd just be nice... You know, once in a while... If I didn't have to feel like I was a burden...

Meh?

Alright, so I haven't posted here in forever.

I was going to delete this thing actually, and start fresh, but it was too much work to try and figure out how to introduce myself again... So yeah, laziness FTW (that means for the win, btw).

You might notice some changes in my vocabulary... I've been spending way too much time on the forums for WoW (World of Warcraft), and I'm absorbing gamer speak.

Meh.

I haven't really thought of anything to write.

And I don't know if anyone except K comes around here anymore...

So maybe writing something would be pointless.

I dunno.

I think my overall attitude has changed as well. Life has put me through hell, and its showing. Even the BF says I seem darker now.

Given all that's gone on (and I'll get to that eventually I suppose) it's not surprising really. Or maybe it is. Some people go through these things and become bright, cheery, happy-go-lucky people. But I've never really tended towards the bright cheery stuff, so I'm not surprised I got darker.

Mostly I think I'm just more tired. Tired of a lot of things. I don't have the patience I used to, nor the mercy. I'm tired of dealing with all the things that go wrong, tired of dealing with all the stupid people, tired of dealing with the cockamamie laws, and the political climate where I live. I'm tired of getting up to go to work in the morning. I'm tired of public transit, and traffic, and doing dishes, and doing laundry, and taking care of other people.

I'm tired of being the mom; the grown up. I'm always the grown up. Or at least, it seems that way for such a vast majority of the time that it may as well be "always."

I'm tired, and jaded, and generally unhappy. Not depressed mind you, though I do have my bouts with that still, but unhappy. As in, not content. As in, pissed off.

I don't like myself very much right now...