How Do You Explain What Fear Feels Like?

Its hard living with someone who doesn't understand how crippling anxiety disorders can be.

I'm struggling with PTSD. Or rather, complex PTSD (theres a difference, yes). I've been struggling with it forever, yeah, but... Lately, with all that's gone on, I just find that I don't have the emotional strength to fight it as well as I used to be able to. I was off work again for 6 months -- went back to work the middle of January this year. And I think it was too soon. Too many things have changed (myself included), and I haven't had time to adjust to them yet. I'm still trying to wrap my head, and my heart, around the life that's been dropped in my lap.

But I go to work every day anyway. I get up in the morning, and drag myself out of bed, despite the fact that I want to hide under the covers for the rest of eternity. I go to work, eventhough it makes me even more miserable than I already feel, and the stress of dealing with my boss and the neverending feeling of complete uselessness make me want to... well... kill someone. Or hide under my desk. Whichever. And half the time I don't even bother going to get lunch because surviving the waves of students in all the restaurants is sometimes more than I think I can pull off.

When I get home... I can't face the dishes, or the laundry, or cleaning the bathroom. I'm already exhausted. Not necessarily physically (though this kind of stress has a tendency to leave you with aches and pains and the like), but always mentally. Most of the time I'm so drained that I'm not interested in food. I'm not interested in anything really. Nothing except trying to forget about the rest of the world.

But my son is there, and I have to pay attention to him. Make sure homework is finished (though the BF helps with that), make sure he's fed, make sure he goes to bed on time... And my BF is there. Many times bombarding me with questions about the financial side of his business. Admittedly, its my job to help him with that. But after a normal day... I can't think straight. I can barely string together a full sentence, let alone an indepth fiscal explanation. And as much as I love him... Sometimes I wish he'd keep the contents of his scientific research/reading/learning to himself. I've long forgotten what the word existential means... And trying to remember gives me a headache.

And when the weekend comes around... The two days a week that I'm not required to leave the house... I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay where I am, and just... Be. Its not that I'm trying to be anti-social, or be a burden on anyone, its that I'm trying to recover from the week, so that I can convince myself to start the whole cycle again on Monday morning.

But you know what the hardest part about all of this is? That the BF doesn't understand, and I don't have the words to explain it to him. How do you explain what it feels like to suffer from anxiety about everything and nothing at the same time? It'd be easier to try and explain what an orgasm felt like (yeah, you try to explain that one with any sort of success. Just you go ahead and try it).

How do you explain what fear feels like? How do you explain that before you've even stepped out the door in the morning, your mind drops into overdrive thinking about all the horrible things that can go wrong. That it tries to convince you that all those things WILL go wrong. That it pulls random memories out of thin air, and forces you to re-live them whether you want to or not. That it runs a mile a minute no matter what you do to stop it.

Its like having a tornado inside your head. Except that its not. *sigh*

And even if you can manage to explain part of all that... How do you explain the why's behind it?

It defies logic. Its completely irrational. Even explaining what the original trauma was doesn't explain the why... Because your mind doesn't just obsess on that. It picks anything and everything else... Maybe to avoid that original trauma. I don't know. No one knows really. Psychiatrists have been trying to understand it for decades, and are still failing.

And when you can't explain any of it... When the person you're dealing with doesn't understand... They don't treat you the way you need to be treated. They get frustrated, and angry, and blame you for things (like not wanting to go out for food), and generally just make you feel like shit for feeling like shit. And it just makes things worse. It makes it impossible for you to talk to that person about anything of importance, to open up to any degree. Because you're afraid they'll just get more angry... And you can't handle any more pain than you're already dealing with.

You're afraid that if you do tell them, and they don't understand, and they get angry and frustrated, and say hurtful things... You'll break... Break even more than you already have... Because you just don't have the strength to try and defend yourself.

So you fall in on yourself. You don't say anything. You bottle it all up. You don't explain yourself, or even try. And fullfill your own prophecy. That person, they understand even less, and they get more frustrated, and more angry... And then they DO say hurtful things...

Instead of them understanding that things are just HARD for you. Harder than for normal people. That you feel things more than normal people. That you hurt more than normal people. That you're afraid more than normal people. And most of the time, you don't even know why.

Instead of them being sympathetic, and kind, and them trying to coax you gently to do what you're so reluctant to do.

I know its tiring to deal with someone like me. I know it is. I don't expect perfection in dealing with me. It'd just be nice... You know, once in a while... If I didn't have to feel like I was a burden...