Say Something Nice...

So, according to someone that reads this blog, the contents are indicative of me being mentally unstable.

They've obviously overlooked the disclaimer on things, and taken the contents as being the whole of my thoughts/feelings on the matters i've discussed, instead of understanding that the things written here are the stray thought processes I generally recognize as being unproductive, and need to dump out somewhere so they don't hurt my every day life.

But hey, if they "want to take that tone," fine. I will do my best to ignore it, and move on. I don't need the added drama and stress and the feeling like a worthless human being that comes from the conversations had with that person.

I am doing what I can to make the best out of the mess that is my life. Anyone who takes issue with how I go about it can take a flying leap off a sky scraper for all I care. Yes, I've made mistakes, or taken too long to do some things. But I am doing the best I can with what I have. I've never claimed to be perfect, or all knowing, or infallible... You either accept me, flaws and all, or you don't. And if you don't, then I don't care to interact with you. Negative comments, accusations, and brow beating are the absolute last things I need in my life at this point, or ever for that matter. I've dealt with enough bullshit to last 3 lifetimes, and I'm not even halfway through my own yet, and I've made the decision to not put up with any more.

So, for those of you in my life (either by relation, or by choice), you have two options. Say something nice, or keep your fucking mouth shut.

Always. Really?

So, yesterday I was in a messed up mood, and for some reason or another I went back in time on this blog, and looked through a few of my very first posts. It got me to thinking.

Throughout my life, I've had a myriad of people (beloved and non) tell me that they'd "always be there" for me. Now, here I am, years (and even decades) after knowing them, and they're ... Not here. Now, don't get me wrong. This doesn't really bother me. Most of them were more trouble than they were worth, and caused me endless amounts of heart ache. There are those select few that I wonder about from time to time; where they are, what they're up to, if they're happy. But really, the rest I don't miss. What I do miss, is having people like that to talk to.

My circle of close (and I mean call in the middle of the night to talk kind of close) friends lately consists of my 2 boyfriends (who I can't really talk to about each other, or themselves, now can I?), my sister (who's going through issues of her own, and I don't want to bother her), a friend who lives half the country away, and, believe it or not, my ex husband.

Meh. I've gone off on a tangent. Anyway, it kind of makes me wonder about when people say "always." Do they really mean always? Because, I do. Everyone I've ever said I'd always feel a certain way about, I still do. I do. I still love every single person I've ever said I always would. And I have tried to "be there" for everyone I've always said I would always be there for. The only reason I'm not is because they removed themselves from my life. So...

Did they really mean "always," or did they mean "as long as I'm around for"?

Just something to ponder on...

poly...

okay... so i'm trying to blog... and not really knowing what to say.

and pardon the lack of capitalization and the occasional missing punctuation, i really couldnt be bothered at this point.

but yeah. so. life has been weird lately. here i am, basically house bound. i mean, i can go out, but i cant go out alone. and i cant go out for extended periods of time without suffering for it for days afterwards. apparently, the deal is that i have fibromyalgia, and i'm in excruciating pain 24/7. it had built up over time so much that while my brain was tuning it out (so i didnt even necessarily realize), my body wasn't, and was ceasing to function properly. i've got pain medications now, and they help, but not enough to make it so i can work yet. the only problem is that they dull my brain too, so it doesn't work as well at blocking out all the pain i used to. so while i'm in less pain over all, i feel it more. especially when the meds start to wear off. How exactly that's helping me, i'm not sure... Other than that i dont sleep as much now (i was sleeping 12-14 hours a day for a while).

right. so here i am, pretty much crippled, and suddenly i find myself with 2 boyfriends. who know about each other, and dont mind it at all. now... i'm alt lifestyle. i dont bring it up much here, cuz i dont want to make it the focus of my life. and i've got plenty of friends in poly relationships. but i never really thought i'd have a poly relationship, unless it was me, a guy, and a girl, or me and my bf and another couple. i never imagined myself having completely separate relationships with 2 men. But i am. And loving it. Its about the only thing that keeps my mind off the never ending aches and muscle spasms and sore joints. it wasn't planned, and it definitely wasn't something i was looking for right now, but there it is, and i've honestly never been happier.

Yes, I'm ok.

I know. I haven't been posting.

You guys have been great, checking up on me after disappearing for so long. I'd probably have forgotten about me by now, honestly.

To those wondering:

I'm going through some really heavy life shit. Too heavy for me to really feel comfortable posting about fully yet. It's rather been consuming what little life I had to begin with, so there's not been anything else to say... And the effort to think of something has been beyond me.

Suffice it to say, I'm not working. I've been diagnosed with a permanent incurable medical condition. No, not cancer. I'm all fine on that front. But it took them this long to actually come up with a diagnosis, and I haven't quite wrapped my mind around it yet. My concentration sucks. My typing sucks just as badly. And I haven't been my witty self in months. I'm sure I'll get back to posting regularly eventually. Maybe this post is the first step to that. I don't know. Its just... This blog was for "brain spillage." And right now, I'm afraid to purposefully put a crack into that dam -- if you get what i mean. Maybe you don't. I'm not making sense and I know it.

Anyway... I'm ok. I'm not going to die. Nothing fatal is going on.

Those of you who have my email can feel free to circulate it to anyone who wants to get ahold of me personally. I'm okay with that :)

Again, its really sweet of you guys to worry. I appreciate it :)