Confruddost?

So today has been a weird day, as evidenced by my last post. But it seems like a lot of days lately have been weird days.

Two days ago, I get a call from my ex asking me for money (which I did NOT give him, btw), then telling me all about his "girlfriend" the "model" who's in jail --again-- for a reason that is so far fetched, I have to wonder if it's made up. The things I'm hearing just don't add up, and given my ex's propensity towards creating fictions that are so elaborate even he believes them... I can't help but think this is another one of those situations. Either that, or I have to believe that both a) he is stupid enough to want to have anything to do with someone who lands themeselves in jail for really BAD things, and thinks I'm going to be okay letting my son be around that too, b) there is some girl out there who is so incredibly stupid that she is either lying to him about who and what she is, or that she's really THAT stupid and THAT desperate to want to be with him -- who she's never even met face to face before.

Do I want to believe any of that? No, not really. But what choice am I left with? I hate thinking the worst of someone. I'm always the one wanting to think the best, the one giving more chances than I should, the one having faith that the "real" them will eventually shine through... But I can't afford those delusions when it comes to my kid, even if those delusions are the reason my kid even exists in the first place.

Then yesterday my ex calls me AGAIN, begging for cash AGAIN. Like I'm some sort of millionaire. Like I have money to throw around now that I'm the one supporting my son full time. Sure, I have a job that pays pretty well. But a third of that check is taken out in taxes, and I've got debts of my own. I can afford to eat out a lot of the time, but thats only because I make myself afford it because I hate washing dishes so much. I eat out instead of buying myself new clothes (which I sorely need, btw), or buying new music, or buying movies (I buy maybe one a month, if that, instead of the 6 or 8 that I used to). Maybe the money I spend on eating out would be better spent hiring a maid to wash my dishes for me... I dunno. That's not the point really. The point is I live from check to check. I don't have extra money to just throw away on loans that won't ever be re-paid. And the sucky thing is that he didn't want to take no for an answer. He kept on with the "I'll pay you back in 3 weeks" and the "but it's only $350" and all. Hell, he still owes me $200 from a previous banking problem... Like I'm going to give him more...

And I've just been out of sorts anyway. Friday night I got a really horrible muscle spasm in my neck and left shoulder. One so bad that I had shooting pains down my arm. The BF ended up having to run out and get me a tube of Bengay just so I could try and get some sleep before going back to work on Monday.

Things have been stupid weird, and stupid weird always makes me feel uneasy. And feeling uneasy makes me stress out, which makes me over anxious, which makes me depressed... So I cry for no reason. Or I cry for a reason that I can't quite make myself verbalize. That happened Monday night... And the BF still hasn't learned quite how to handle me when I get like that, so it ended up in him getting pissed off at me, and me crying myself to sleep.

Sad thing is, all I really wanted was to feel good for 5 minutes... But I couldn't bring myself to say that. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I was feeling miserably bad, both physically and emotionally, despite the fact that I was sitting there crying while trying (to no avail) to massage the knots out of my own neck and the muscle cramps out of my legs (from sitting at my desk for 8 hours).

Of course, the BF has a really bad habit of trying to get me to talk while I'm in tears. He asks me "is there anything I can get you?" and "what's up?" and actually expects an answer. I mean really. I'm crying. Why don't you try to calm me down a bit before asking me questions I don't know how to answer. Why not just hug me, and hold me, and stroke my hair, and wait for me to stop sobbing first? And why doesn't he think of that on his own?

I shouldn't be surprised really. Most of the time I have to ask for hugs and kisses. Most of the time I have to ask for him to cuddle with me. And even then, I get half assed hugs, kisses, and cuddling in response. It's like now that we're living together, he's lost any interest in being passionate with me. Not that I'm saying we don't have "adult time" -- we do. But I'm always the one to initiate it, and it always takes a TON of work to get him to realize what I want (at least, thats what it seems like. Maybe he's just playing dumb?). And then, just like the hugs and kisses, his side of things are half assed. It's like he's not even really trying. I know he's not trying. Cuz when he does try, the whole world disappears, and all I can do is --feel--... *sigh*

Wow, now I'm really rambling huh. I guess I'm more ... I dunno... What's the right word for what I am right now? Frustrated? Confused? Lost? Befuddled? Confruddost?

Anyway, I'm more of whatever I am than I thought I was, and I just threw it all up into your laps now didn't I. *sigh*

I need a break.