A Lack of Personal Malleability

This post by Encarmine mirrors some of the things I've been saying to a couple people lately -- that people never really change. Not really. Not on the inside. Not where it counts.

The thing is, no one wants to believe that. They want to think they can change the things about their significant other that bother them so much. They want to think that they can change themselves. They want to think they can change their bosses, or their co-workers, or their parents, or siblings. They see that people can change on the outside -- hair color, style of clothing, speech mannerisms, social standing -- and they think that same malleability exists on the inside. What they don't realize is that most of what we all display on the outside is an affectation -- it isn't who we truly are.

I recently asked someone: "In the ten years we've known each other, do you think I've really changed?"
"Of course you have," they said.
"No, I haven't," I said, "I'm still the exact same person I was ten years ago. I'm still the exact same person I was TWENTY years ago."

Sure, I'm in a different place in life. I have a good job (I use the term good loosely -- as in, it pays okay), I'm a mom now, I'm slightly more responsible with my money, I have goals I'm working towards that I didn't have back then. I dress differently, I wear my hair differently, I even speak differently (I swear more, and I care less about it), I eat differently. I'm on medication to manage my medical problems. I SEEM different. But am I really?

Do I view the world any differently than I used to? Do I interface with it any differently? No. I don't. I still struggle with myself the same way I always have. I still hate people (in general). I still hate stupidity. I'm still hung up on the details. I'm still a worrier. And I always will be. Even after all this time, after all the things I've been through, and all the changes I've made to my life, everyone who knows me describes me the same way they did a decade ago.

And everyone I've known for any length of time, well, I don't see any of them as having changed either.

My ex is still the same person he always has been. So are his parents, and his sister. My parents are the same people they've always been, so is my sister. Friends from high school are still the same people too. Sure, over time there are things about them that have changed... But inside? Inside they are exactly the same people, with the same hopes and dreams and fears and faults that they've always had.

My ex is still a liar and a freeloader who's incapable of taking care of himself.

His Mother still complains about everything, but takes action on nothing.

His Father still turns a blind eye to everything he doesn't want to deal with.

My Mom is still afraid of change, and of being alone.

My Dad is still an absentminded workaholic who can't get his personal priorities straight.

My sister is still amazingly intelligent and strong willed, with a well defined sense of right and wrong.

My friends from high school are still overly judgemental and self centered (which is a pity -- I'd always hoped that was just an affectation to fit in with everyone else).

The long and short of it? People never really change. And insisting that they will only sets you up for a lot of hurt and disappointment.


I should know. Its a lesson I wish I'd learned a long time ago