I've always been a loner. You know from previous posts that I have very few friends, and the reasons I give for not wanting more. But here's the thing -- Even loners get lonely. And sometimes, as much as I cherish my solitude, I find myself wishing I had more friends.
I think, on some level, I never really learned how to be social. My upbringing encouraged me to distance myself from the people around me. I was different, and other kids didn't like "different," so I stayed away. I'd been hurt by the people around me, the ones who were supposed to love and protect me, so I thought everyone would hurt me, and I stayed away. Every time I convinced myself that I could be wrong, that I should try and trust people, I wound up getting hurt again. So I stayed away. Even now, I keep people at a distance. People I shouldn't. The BF for example, my son, my sister, most of the friends I have. It's a survival instinct, because I know I'm not strong enough to have my feelings hurt anymore.
But then there are the times where I see groups of friends together. They're laughing, and having a good time, telling inside jokes, and passing out hugs and kisses liberally amongst themselves. I see them, and I wonder -- why can't I have something like that? Why can't I find a group of friends like that, to just have fun with?
I try. I go with my BF to see his friends, and try to fit in. I'm alternative lifestyle like they are, so I should be able to fit in, right? But while some of them are the sweetest, most loving, caring, generous people in the world, I still can't quite bring myself to truly be a part of their little group. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I'm always on the outside. On the outside, looking in. And I always end up feeling more lonely than if I'd just stayed at home by myself. Afterall, the TV never asks me why I'm so quiet, or if I'm okay because I look uncomfortable. The couch never whispers to my BF, asking if he's sure I'm having a good time.
It's times like those I wish desperately that I were normal, somehow. I get tired of being on the outside. I get tired of feeling like I don't belong. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to put myself out there, and just relax around other people (at least, not without getting really horribly drunk). I never learned. I always had to have my guard up, always had to be ready to defend myself, always had to be bracing myself for the pain and suffering others would inflict upon me.
Yeah, I was a victim, and I still am. I know it. And while it's not exactly an excuse... It's an explanation. Yes, I need to get past it. I need to let all that go, and move on with my life so I can be happy. But honestly... I don't know how.
You are SO not abnormal when it comes to fitting in with BF's friends. In a year's time I am facing a relocation to a different country. Alone. Of course I know people there, but they all have their friends already. I am constantly going back and forth about where to live. Do I move to London where my friend H is going to be and try not to feel like an uber Dorky American amongst all of her friends? Because I know that's how it'd go down, despite what she may say when I express this fear to her. Or do I move to the Northern part of the country where I will surely be alone - for all intents and purposes even though I know people in that area too? Only problem is I can't debate this forever. Sooner or later I'm going to have to decide and live with that decision.
ReplyDeleteIt's ALWAYS awkward to be in a group of people where you know one or two people. My cousin, who's the closest in age to me, now lives an hour away from me. She's constantly inviting me to parties that she and her bf put on. I always manage some excuse not to go. The most recent event happened a few weeks ago and had I gone, I would still have felt awkward because the only people I would've known were my immediate family and my aunt and uncle.
It's natural to wish you had what others have. I do it all the time. You know I do. How do you know that these people you see in their little groups aren't miserable in their own lives? For many people, they'd rather make the world believe their lives are perfect, when they really aren't. Do you really want to associate yourself with people who let others dictate the way they act?
I don't have any friends here in the city to do stuff with. All of my friends are online. It's been that way for years, as you well know, but I'm working on changing that. It's not easy. You'd think that in a city like this with a fairly large LGBT community, that starting a social group aimed at the LGBT community would be easy. It's not. Every other Friday night I go to the cafe where we're supposed to meet and hope that someone besides D shows up. I've done everything I can to advertise. I even made little business cards for people to pick up. And every last one of them was taken. Yet it made no difference. Only one guy showed up last week. I get so discouraged and I go home every time and log online because I know those friends will be there for me. Even with their busy lives.
You are an incredibly talented, wonderfully brilliant young woman, tess. Don't you dare argue with me either, cos I know where you live and I'll come beat your ass. Taller than me or not. I know how easy it is to feel that there's something missing in your life because you aren't like others you see around you. I know how easy it is to say, 'What's wrong with me that I don't have what they have?' The answer is nothing. There's nothing wrong with you. I know you've got problems, babe. We all do. That makes you just as normal as anyone else.
But after I've said all this, if you still want to do something to have more friends, take it one day at a time. Don't try to leap into BF's group of friends and expect yourself to be the life of the party. Find something that makes you happy. I know you've met a lot of people online in your area so I'm sure there are groups both online and off which will pique your interest. If you don't hit it off with every one there, fine. Take the friendships you do make and nurture them slowly. It's not going to happen over night.
One last thing before I go... large groups of friends make me think of high school cliques. I wasn't part of one then, and I don't want to be as an adult.
Love you babes!
~Sin~