i dont know if any of you have figured it out yet, but i hate "the unknown".
rather, i hate not knowing what i need to know to organize my life. its the OCD. i'm one of those people who prefers to plan out the details, rather than play things by ear. i dont like surprises. i like to be prepared. i like things to be relatively concrete. sure, spontineity is great... as long as i know i'm supposed to be spontaneous, and what i'm supposed to be spontaneous about.
dont take that to mean that i'm a rigid b*tch, cuz i'm not. i like fun. fun is great. i even like meandering around with no specific destination on the occasional weekend... [but thats not concrete, you say, thats not having the details planned out... oh, but it is, if i've planned to meander around with no specific destination! see! so there! :P] its just that when it comes to a situation where i'm supposed to ... oh... have someone come stay with me, well, i generally like to know when thats going to be, and how its gonna work, a reasonable amount of time beforehand.
unfortunately, the army does not believe in concrete schedules. and even if they did, they dont believe in releasing them to the people affected by them. so here i am, waiting to see what my week is going to look like. waiting to see if i'm having someone stay with me or not. waiting... waiting... waiting... to know what in the hell is going on. and not hearing anything. from anyone. left guessing.
and as we've previously established, leaving me guessing... is a horribly bad thing to do. because i will come up with every single horrific, terrible, terrifying occurance, instead of what is more than likely actually going on. yes, i'm pessimistic. i admit it. i'm cynical too, and rather afraid of quite a lot of things. including the unknown. which, is why i hate it. again, i find myself being quite normal in this aspect of myself...
hate is born of fear you know, and fear of the unknown is the most common fear there is... thats why theres all these racial tensions everywhere. because we dont know enough about each other to not be afraid. and because we're afraid, the easiest thing to do is to hate.
well, me, i dont hate any races. thankfully i've overcome that particular normalcy. for a white chick with an upper middle class upbringing, i've been remarkably lucky in meeting someone nice, and great, and wonderful, from every race. white, black, yellow, red, whatever other color there might be [you could be fuschia, and i honestly wouldnt care, except to maybe try to find out more about you, because well, i've never seen a fuschia person before, and what must that be like???] african, asian, middle eastern, european, central american, south american, native american, regular old american... i've got aquaintences from all those places. i've had boyfriends from several of those places. very nearly had myself a girlfriend from pakistan once too... so yeah, cultural differences dont scare me. that kind of unknown doesnt scare me in the least. in fact, i find it interesting, intreguing, and all together worth my while to find out about.
its the unknown day to day things that freak me out. the whether or not the bus will be on time uknown. the am i going out this weekend or not unknown. the what on earth am i going to have for dinner uknown. the is so-and-so going to call me an idiot because i said that unknown. stupid, yes. but thats just me. i like knowing in advance what's going to be expected of me, and what i should expect from myself, and those directly around me. its a control freak kinda thing; a chronic need to have things organized and each in their own special place, a chronic need to compartmentalize.
you know those people who cant stand having the different foods on their dinner plate touch each other? i dont do that, but thats how i am with life. different things arent supposed to touch each other. work isn't supposed to get into school, and my private life isnt supposed to mix in with work... and when they start to overlap, when they start to mix, its much akin to getting your cranberry sauce mixed in with your mushroom gravy. [yes, YUK. if you like that, you're a freak, and should be banned from making food combination choices for the rest of your life -- no i'm not kidding, i feel that strongly about it!]
and lately... lately... it seems like my whole plate is just one huge ginormous [gigantic + enormous -- thank u sis] grotesque disgusting MESS. everything is running into everything else and getting all sorts churned together... its sickening, and is pushing me to the very ends of my sanity [not that i had much of it to begin with]. this is actually the first cohesive thing i've written in almost a week, i've been so totally overwhelmed.
i'm so glad that i only have one class this week. [thank GOD for veterans day, and profs who want the week off] it'll give me time to get things in order, and calm down a little bit... which i desperately need to do... even if i do have "company" this week. in fact, if i do, that'll be so much nicer... because then i'll get to calm down and be with someone i love desperately at the exact same time! *grin*
ummm... everyone cross fingers and hope things go well the next couple days... i'll be posting to let y'all know.
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