wow...

umm... gosh guys... i thought you all knew by now how totally and utterly fatalistic i can be at times... and that its nothing to worry about... but uh... all the IM's and emails and things... really, i'm okay. thanks for giving a shit tho :)

now... to calm all your fears that i'm gonna curl up in a ball and hide in the bottom of my closet for a month or two, or that i'm gonna toss myself off the top of Evans Hall here on campus, or stop eating and sleeping or something equally as ridiculous... i'm not.

[brief history lesson: Evans Hall on UCB campus is famous for being the most popular suicide spot for frustrated students who are failing and cant bring themselves to tell their parents. every year, 2 or 3 people throw themselves from the top of the 15-20 story building, and plummet to their very very messy deaths on the concrete below. and the numbers are only that low now because someone got smart and made it so you needed a key card to get to the roof. the insanely determined and desperate still manage to find their ways to the balconies of the upper floors however, maintaining this horrific building's reputation. it really doesnt help that the thing looks like a cross between a prison and a mental institution... maybe if they changed the color to a nice soothing blue, instead of slate grey with olive green accents... hmmm... ]

if theres one thing thats apparent about the blog-verse [as i like to call it], it is the most theraputic venting forums in the history of mankind [or if you're all PC and stuff, personkind]. just like most people out there with personal blogs, i use this thing to vent, to scream, to cry, when i'm not allowed to actually do any of those things, or when theres no one around to listen. i also tend to just freewrite a lot of the time, and ramble out all the weird fukt up shit thats going on in my head. thats why i seem like a crazed lunatic on here most of the time [okay, so i really am a crazed lunatic, its just that i hide it better in RL]

so yeah... i feel shitty. i do have horrible paranoid fears. that they might come true depresses me. but all that is kinda normal for me... i freak out about nothing all the time. so its all good. i'll survive. i always do.

and you all are just awesome too -- big huge bear hugs to all y'all *grin* [oh my god, did i just say "all y'all"? just shoot me... someone... please... ]