waiting sucks @ss

still no word from my army boy.

i can only assume that he's home. most of his brigade is. i only know this because i have started to obsessively comb the internet for information out of extreme neurotic worry.

its been two and a half weeks since we talked. two and a half weeks since i reassured him that i thought he would be coming home soon. two and a half weeks since he said "ditto" [yes, like in Ghost... its so adorable... ]. two and a half weeks since i've been able to witness what kind of an effect i have on him; how happy i make him. two and a half weeks since i've had a clue about whether or not he's okay.

yesterday i came home to find a strange message on my voicemail... someone breathing out really hard, just once, [seemingly in frustration, not like, obscene phone call kind of heavy breathing] then hanging up. the number came up as "unknown caller" [which could mean anything really, but leave me to jump to the conclusion that it means its a long distance call from a land line] so i have to wonder if it might have been him trying to get in touch with me...

silly yes. but i'm so anxious to see him. its been almost six months since we started talking. [yes, typically female of me to remember that isnt it? and get this, i even know the exact date... 5/27/2004... wow scary] almost six months of not seeing him. almost six months of waiting and worrying and caring and loving and wanting and needing and lusting... [sorry if that was tmi for anyone... this is my blog, imma say it if i want to] and really its alot about the worrying. i'm beyond good at worrying, i know it, and so does everyone else. i worry about him constantly, and i would love to have the peace of mind of knowing that he's at home finally, away from the mortars and the grenades and the rifle rounds and the roadside mini-bombs and the snipers and the terrorists and the insurgents and the 20 ft walls that are just so easy to fall off of [he'd know what i was talking about, and laugh, then say "ooooh we got jokes! come on, bring it. whatcha got huh?" with a myriad of spelling errors and that adorable little way of spelling huh as "hugh", and me drowning in laughter... *sigh* dammit i miss him.]

sometimes i feel like a fool for feeling this strongly for someone that i've never even seen in person [or even on a webcam for that matter... he's seen me on a webcam... surprised the danged thing didnt break... oh wait... it did recently... hmmmm]. sometimes i feel like a fool for feeling this strongly no matter what the situation. but i just cant help it. and its times like these, when its impossible for me to think of anyone, or anything, but him. times like these where i wish to god he were here, even if just to calm my stupid irrational fears about what might possibly have happened to him.

let me tell you the thing that proved to me that i would fall hopelessly in love with this man... its a silly little thing, and you're going to laugh your head off and call me a freak, but thats okay.

the first time he saw me on cam... the very first time... we were talking, and being silly, and maybe even flirting a little bit [okay, so we were flirting a lot. what of it?]... and i of course was genuinely smiling for the first time in oh, months. and he tells me that he likes that my nose goes to the right a little bit when i smile shyly. [okay, commence laughing, go ahead, its alright, i give you permission] i of course am shocked and appalled at this revelation. but he insists that he likes it, that its adorable... and proceeds to tell me how the things about people that are generally considered flaws are the things he always likes the most about them... [i adore that about him. i positively LOVE that about him. i wish more people thought that way.] but it was at that moment that he said the thing about my nose... that he noticed that little quirk about me, and liked it, and TOLD me he liked it... i knew right then and there that i was going to fall hopelessly and desperately in love with this man... that this was the man i was going to be with... well... forever.

i'm reluctant to admit that here of all places, where he could wander across it sometime without my knowing... but you know what? i dont think he'd be surprised. he reads me better than anyone i've ever known. and i think its something that he probably realizes already. and if he doesnt... well... babe, you do now dontcha? hehe. the funny thing is, everytime i say something to him that i think is going to make me seem like a raving lunatic, or a fool, or an idiot, i'm always wrong. i always seem to make him happy. i love that. that i have the ability to make him happy...

gads i am so rambling... and i need to go home... maybe i'll ramble more later.