why am i writing on a post it? i dont know.
[i originally wrote this on a series of post-its cuz i didnt realize it would turn into a full on post...]
i miss my army boy. i wonder if he's okay. i'm afraid that he's gotten home and forgotten about me. not that i'd blame him. i'd completely understand. i just wish i knew. not knowing is what kills me, because then i'm consumed by the dreaded what if's and i start imagining all sorts of irrationally stupid things.
[like his ex girlfriend meeting him when he got back, and them getting back together.
like him going home and mentioning me to his family and them convincing him not to meet me.
like him getting home and forgetting about me in all the chaos...]
i know, i'm paranoid. but i am just so insecure. part of me is so afraid that the only reason he cares about me is that i was the only girl he'd seen in a year... just about anyone would look good at that point... and maybe after getting back and seeing all the other options... maybe i'm not as great as he originally thought... irrational, i know. but then, my fears have never been rational. and this is what happens when the what if's get to me. this is what happens when i let myself give in to my mind wandering off without taking reality with it.
there are so many reasons why he might not be able to talk to me right now. and none of them are as stupid as what i've gone on about. i mean, maybe he's not even home yet. maybe he's still over there, and hasnt been able to get to a computer. maybe he's home, but stuck on base, and can't get to a computer to get my number out of his email and call me. or worse, maybe he's one of the guys that got injured last week, and maybe he's stuck in an army hospital somewhere [ugh... lets not go with THAT thought... that'd be horrible]. its not like i havent gone longer without talking to him... one time it was over a month before i got to talk to him... and that time it was just because there was a heatwave that knocked out all the power... i was just as worried then as i am now, and for no good reason... *sigh*
i'm such a mess... worried to death... and probably for no good reason.
i want to see him, so bad. i want to talk to him, so bad. i want him to be okay. i want him to be home.
i keep re-reading the emails and letters he's sent me, and going back to my IM archives over and over, just to feel close to him, just to smile because of him, just so i dont feel as nervous, or upset, or scared...
he calms me like that, even when he's not around. just thinking about how wonderfully sweet he's been to me puts me more at ease... so going back and reading everything he's ever said to me serves equally as well to calm me down.
he grounds me like no one else i've ever known..
and i wish he were here to do it now...
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