nothing and no one

so here i am, on a weekend for once. this is rare. i'm avoiding my homework at the moment, as i have been all week... i cant bring myself to touch it. i keep looking at the stack of papers i have to go through, to work on, and eventhough i know i must do the work now, i cannot bring myself to even lift one finger towards them. i cant bring myself to do much of anything at the moment. i'm lost in that pit of despair... the one in which all actions seem pointless. nothing matters. nothing feels good. everything feels empty. meaningless.

i dont even care that i am alone. it doesnt matter. everything is grey and worthless.
i was manic yesterday. beautifully wonderfully manic. flying. feeling. feeling good. feeling great. a force of nature... and now, now its gone. i slept, and its gone. i woke up empty. devoid of purpose. no motivation to even move. no sense of self. at this moment, i am no one and nothing. i see myself as if from far away. everything is distant. shallow. thin and lacking cohesiveness. it is as if i am viewing things from behind a veil of thick fog.

i need something to snap me out of this. someone to wake my slumbering heart. to make me feel good. to force me to feel good. but there is no one.

in my post about wanting to go home, someone left a comment saying that "home is where the heart is." well... i know where my heart is. its no longer in my posession. i handed it away on a cutting board, with a heavy cleaver to go along with it... and prayed that it would stay whole. i havent seen it since. and i am empty. lost. without purpose.

i wander through life as a zombie would... only doing what i do because i have to. only going to work because i have to. only eating because i have to. sleeping because there is nothing else to do. living because my heart refuses to stop beating, because my lungs refuse to stop breathing.

there is nothing, and no one... not for me.