no, i still have not heard anything from my army boy, and i'm starting to doubt that i will...
i've done my research and found out that his entire brigade is home, and has been home since a few days after i last talked to him.
i'm glad he's home safe, and thats my one solace in not having heard a single thing from him since then.
its been 3 weeks... and the more time that goes by... the less able i am to find any sort of rationalization for why i havent heard anything. the less i'm able to find the ability to hope for the best.
i've never been a very positive person to begin with. i'm a pessimist and a cynic. always have been, always will be. but this has been a learning experiece for me at the very least. i've learned that its possible for me to be hopeful about a dreadful situation. that i dont always have to focus on the worst scenario. its a lot of effort for me, but for the past 5 1/2 months, i've done it. but now... i'm reaching my limits of positive and hopeful thinking... especially when in talking to a friend/co-worker, she echoed my worst fears...
i'm drained. i dont have the energy to keep myself in good spirts anymore. i dont have the energy to keep trying to see the positive side of things. i dont have the energy to keep hoping. waiting is easy. as long as i dont have to think good thoughts while i do it... so now, instead of waiting for a "i'm back, and i'm coming to see you, i cant wait to see you" email or phone call, i'm waiting for a "i'm sorry, i've changed my mind" email or phone call. those are easy to wait for, since you never really want to get them...
maybe now i wont be checking my email frantically every 10 minutes, and dashing to check my voicemail the moment i walk in the door, or worrying about whether or not web messenger is working well enough for him to send me an IM...
oh, and for all of you who haven't checked out the links over there --->
click the "love is a cunt" one. thats how i'm feeling right now.
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