Parental Discretion Advised -- this post contains excessive profanity. please read at your own risk.
alright... so yesterday bit seriously.
first that dream, which just put a fukt up spin on everything, then i was late for work, then work itself [which is never particularly pleasant, but i think my boss is PMSing or something gads], then class ugh. i have so much shit to do and i'm beyond lost. i think i'm royally fukt in the whole education area. unless i can figure out a way to do 11 assignments in a week AND study for two finals, as well as spend time with my boy this weekend. I actually had to talk to a prof about the best way to pull up my grade [thus 11 assignments instead of the original 8 i had planned on *wimpers*]. then i get home and experienced another episode in a growing epidemic that is rather starting to piss me off.
as i've said before, most of my friends are male. or at least, thats the way it used to be until my army boy got home. now that he's home, and its obvious that i'm beyond smitten, and that feeling is being reciprocated, i've had a steady string of my best male friends say "well, you dont need me anymore. have a nice life." and my not so close male friends have just stopped talking to me period, with no explanation. last nite was particularly disturbing because i'm sitting there trying desperately to make sense of the research i was attempting to do [so i dont fail my final project for english], and i saw my absolute closest guy friend online... so of course, i take 5 seconds to say hi cuz i havent talked to him in a couple days. i, of course, am a bit sarcastic [what?? me?? sarcastic?? no fukkin way... you're shitting me right?] and make some sort of joke about his status message [yeah i'm a geek, and do like 90% of my communication with people via email or Yahoo IM. sorry for being too busy to have a social life]. my little joke was met with the coldest fukkin shoulder i have ever gotten from anyone... and basically amounted to "oh, so you've finally decided to talk to me now huh?" well i'm suprised u know, cuz its not like he tried to get ahold of me at all lately... dudes got a phone, dudes got email, dudes got yahoo... its not like i've fallen off the face of the earth or anything. so he's pissed off cuz i havent talked to him more than 3 times in the past 2 weeks. well dang. you know, finals are a pain in the ass and a girl's gotta study and shit, then the whole boyfriend getting back home thing and needing to pay attention to him [and of course needing to have him pay attention to me -- which he does amazingly well omg *drools*], not to mention like, oh, normal life shit dealing with kid and ex and work and all that... i've been BUSY right? [not too busy to blog of course, but hey... i gotta vent somewhere] you'd think this all would be a good reason for not calling someone... i mean, if someone told me all that i'd be like "oh hey, no problem. i'll letcha get back to it, and gimme a call when ya finally get a chance to breathe!" but of course, i'd have already called them to oh, you know, see if they were okay and shit like that.
so i'm the bad guy here. i didnt call, i didnt email, i didnt IM. and he got his panties in a bunch about it because apparently he broke up with his girlfriend while i was busy being happy [i'm assuming he got pissed that i was happy when he wasnt. dude is melodramatic like that]. and i'm supposed to know that happened how? i mean gosh, the last time i talked to him, he didnt say anything, and he didnt call me to tell me... but no, he got mad at me for not fukking being psychic [i'm psychO not psychIC, get it right people] so mad actually that he told me that i dont have to worry about calling him anymore cuz he's "done" [whatever the fuk that means -- i swear this boy is worse than a woman. damn], and that i dont need him anymore [again, what? why wouldnt i need a good friend still?], and that i should "enjoy" [enjoy??? what in the hell? i'm so fukkin confused... damn you men for not saying what the fuk you mean!] thats about where the conversation ended with a very curt "goodbye tess" [i have left some stuff out... cuz it didnt make ANY sense to me AT ALL, and it got a little jumbled in there for a while with me being confused and telling him to talk to me like i'm friggin 5 cuz i wasnt getting what the hell he was saying] that came off as a "bye. have a nice life."
but this is a growing trend. and its really starting to seem like my guy friends were only my friends in the hopes of getting in my jeans... cuz i mean gosh, if you look at the above conversation... sounds like a jilted boyfriend kinda thing to do right? "oh well you've got someone now, you dont need me anymore" ummmmmm. okay. we all knew where my heart has been. no surprises here. and having a boyfriend who's actually gonna be around for a little while makes me not need friends WHY? [oh right, cuz theres no chance for those friends to sleep with me now. well hey. woulda been nice for me to know the rules before hand. cuz then i wouldnt have bothered. fukkers *scowls*]
anyway... so that was guy friend number three to pull this same kinda shit in the past week. and you know what? i actually feel used. and dirty. and like a piece of meat. i mean, the impression i get is that they were only hanging around in the hopes that i'd get my heart broken and come looking for someone to fuck me happy again. how... how... duplicitous! god i mean what on earth does that say about what they think of me? what kind of image must i portray? do i come off as a slut or something? or easy? or that i dont value friendship more than i value "make me feel better" sex? damn. i dunno. it bites. and no offense to the guys reading this... but you know what? men SUCK ASS. i'm keeping the angel i've got, and the rest of y'all can just ROT for all i care. i'm done havin y'all as close friends too [with one exception, because i know for damned sure hes not trying to get in my pants, and hes actually been genuinely happy that i'm happy instead of acting like a jealous little BITCH like the rest of the guys i know]. so what if women and me dont usually get along real well. i'd rather deal with their shit [which actually makes sense to me most of the time even if it is stupid and petty. at least it isnt this manipulative "i'm only friends with you cuz i want to fuck you" shit] than deal with THIS anymore.
[yeah, if you didnt notice, i'm MAD. seriously.]
well, i know all my femme friends want me... who can blame them? i'm enough to turn any woman lez...
ReplyDeletejust kidding. well not really... but no, i'm kidding. :P
eternal,
ReplyDeleteyou know what? while i'm happy with the way my life is going right now, i do really wish i still had friends around to share it with. my "friend quotient" has dropped by half since my bf got home, and its really rather disheartening. i've never been the type to shun my friends just cuz i had a bf, in fact, i've always made a point not to do that. ever. so to be shunned by people who said they were my friends, who said they cared about me, who said they loved me... just because i have a bf... well it hurts a hellova lot.
i put a good face on about it, i lose myself in other happinesses that have come my way, but it still hurts. and i still think about them, and wonder how they are, and what they're doing... even if maybe they dont do the same about me.
so while i may "seem happy without him" i do miss him, and do still care about him, and wish that maybe things could be different. but i'm not going to hold my breath until i hear from him, and i'm not going to get ahold of him first either. if he wants to talk to me, he knows how to get ahold of me.
the evidence does not point to the contrary. as i've already said, boyfriend aside, i have been wrapped up in school, in work, and in a myriad of other things that have been very taxing. i havent had time for much at all. and only after all that did my boyfriend get home. so yes, i maintained my relationships with my friends as well as possible before my boyfriend came around. unfortunately i'm only human, and theres only so far i can go to keep everyone happy. all my friends know how to get ahold of me if they want to talk to me, if they miss me, if they want to hang out or something. and i've never told a single one of them to not talk to me anymore. i'm not saying i expected the friendships to stay the same, but i didnt expect them to disappear alltogether.
ReplyDeleteas for your friend... maybe things werent exactly the way you thought they were. maybe she didnt see things the way you did. maybe if you talked to her about it, and listened to what she had to say, you might be able to see her feelings for what they are, instead of for what you perceive them to be. but hey, what do i know?
okay, now was that a question or what? because that was the most vague statement i've ever seen.
ReplyDeleteanyway. if you cared about this friend so much, why walk away from her? why step out of her life completely? one would think that if you cared for her so much, loved her even, that you would want to stay friends even if you couldnt be exactly what you wanted to be to her. and if you two were as close as you say, then dont you think she misses you? dont you think shes hurt that you would walk away like that?
but then, maybe you dont care for her as much as you say you do...
check your email eternal. theres no need to advertise the rest of this conversation on a blog.
ReplyDelete