well f*ck me...

... he wants to hear my fantasies... i want to share them... but i cant SAY them. i just cant. i try... but being specific... my mouth wont work, my throat locks up... damned stupid inhibitions. bleh. if he asked me to act them out... i could do that... but say them? speak the words? no... hell, i can even write them given half the chance and the right backround music... but i cant say them... [god. such a freakin handicap]

he says it doesnt bother him... but i worry. its something thats always kind of haunted every relationship i've ever had; this inability to speak those deep dark sensual sexual words. part of the problem is that i dont like how they sound coming out of my mouth. the other part of the problem is that it feels WRONG for them to come out of my mouth. its hard to explain... its just been beaten into me [erm... kinda literally kinda not... no comment] somewhere along the line [over and over and over again] that i'm not allowed to want. that what i want doesnt matter, despite anything anyone can tell me to the opposite. so i end up feeling that saying what i want would be an imposition, even if someone is begging me to say what i want... then of course there's the fear of rejection, which i've suffered a couple times and learned my lesson. i stopped forcing myself to say what i wanted after the first couple "are you SERIOUS" and "uhhhhhhhh you want WHAT?" responses that i got. oh i know, that makes me sound like a freak, but really really i'm not... [come on... its not MY fault that my previous bedfellows had issues with wearing handcuffs... anyway um yeah...] so saying what i wanted never got me anywhere but hurt. so i stopped trying. and now i cant anymore. its become a physical disability.

the funny part is, i dont have a problem listening... [god no, i LOVE listening.] but i cant return the favor. i cant say what i want. not about that anyway. i mean, i can say i want a peanut butter sandwich. i can say i want new shoes. i can say i want a hug or a kiss, or many of both. but i cant say ... those words... you know... them... the ones that refer to specific places... gah. i cant even write them here, not that you'd want me to... but here's a PG example. i can say "i want kisses" but i cant say "i want kisses on my neck" just cant do it. and forget about anything more um... adult in content. [I can however say "i want kisses" and if someone asks where, i can point to where i want them and say "here"... *sigh* yes i'm weird and fukt up. we've already established that]

is that sad? cuz i think its horribly pathetic. he laughs and says he thinks its cute... but they all say that at first. then they get frustrated. then they get annoyed. then they get angry. i dont want that to happen with him... i couldnt bear it...

and yes, i've tried practicing. do you know how stupid you feel saying that kind of thing to YOURSELF??? yeah, try it some time. its friggin embarassing, even if no one's there to overhear you.

so... any suggestions? someone wanna help me out here? i'm at a loss. and if y'all suggest psychiatric care... imma hunt ya down by your IP addies and hurt ya seriously :P