well, i dont have much to say today... i was up WAY too late on the phone with my army boy [hmm i'm going to have to figure out what to call him once he's finally out of the army... eh we'll see] last night. we talked for over 5 hours. [yeah wow thats a long time] it was like 2:30 before we got off the phone, and i went to bed.
i paid for it this morning [yeah, yeah, i'm old. shaddup!!] and ended up having to call in late for work so i could sleep in a bit and catch up. this being on the phone for hours and hours and hours thing is great, and i dont wanna stop [gawd i love talking to him] but ugh i'm not as young as i used to be. i cant stay awake for 72 hrs straight anymore... at least, not without the assistance of a LOT of caffiene.
i ended up having a semi-disturbing dream this morning while i was busy sleeping through my alarm... its kind of haunting me because it was so vivid, and those ones lately have been indicative of actual events to come... and its really not something i want to have to deal with... let me explain.
i have some scars that i dont like to have to try to explain to anyone. most of the time i dont have to worry about it because they're in a place that very few people have ever gotten the chance to see or touch. generally only someone that i'm intimate with will ever even know they're there. i've told my army boy that i have scars, but i havent said where, or anything like that...
so in my dream, my army boy and i were... well... intimate... and he found them... and just kind of looked at me strangely and said "tess*... ?" and before he could actually ask, i cut him off and reminded him that i said i had scars... and he asked what they were from, looking really really concerned... and i said "it doesnt matter right now"... and woke up to my alarm blaring at me that i was an hour late in getting up [note: this is the extremely short version of the dream, and paraphrased, with the first oh... hour or so cut out. y'all dont need to know that much about me. really you dont.].
now, okay, that didnt sound so much like a strange dream... but to me it was unsettling. again, because it was so vivid, so real, and those ones are usually dead on for something thats actually going to happen. unless i can do something that keeps it from happening that is. which i'm sure, in this case i can... but i really dont want to have to go there. i dont want pity, i dont want concern. i just want it to be ignored and treated with the merit it deserves -- none. yes, bad shit happened to me. but that doesnt mean i wanna talk about it, or re-live it. and i definitely dont want anyone to look at me differently because of it.
so i've been in an odd mood all day. still insanely happy mind you, but yet... theres a little bit of darkness hanging out in the back of my mind now. [which is much better than the usual, but i'd rather go back to just being insanely happy and not having that stupid lingering darkness shit in there]
* -- tess is not my real name, and so thats not what he called me in the dream, even if a lot of my friends DO call me tess.
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