... at my desk no less... fukkers... ever since i got to work, every song they've played is one that is ultra meaningful to me, and has brought me to the brink of tears numerous times over. for example, they played "boulevard of broken dreams" [thats Green Day people] and then immediately played the Goo Goo Dolls remake of "give a little bit"... both songs make me ultra sad. and right now, well i just cant handle it. i have a little over 36 hours before my hellish journey back home for xmas begins... and i dont wanna go. its too much work. its too much hassle. and goddammit if my father didnt make the plane rez for the EARLIEST FUCKING FLIGHT he could find. i do no relish having to wake up at 4am just to try to get to the airport and deal with crowds of other people who woke up at 4am to get to the airport, and inept security guards, and screeners, and idiots who cant control their kids, and not being able to smoke, basically for 10 goddamned hours straight because once you get past security that once, you cant really leave or you have to stand in line for ANOTHER 2 hours just to get back in, and there arent any fucking smoking sections inside the airport *cries miserably* why oh why did i agree to go on this godforsaken trip?? oh yeah... cuz my grandparents are old and sick and deserve to see my son whenever humanly possible... *sigh* the hell i put myself through for the benefit of other people.
the sad thing is i used to love to travel. actually, i still love to travel. just not with anyone i'm related to. except my sister, but she doesnt count because she's too cool to actually be a part of my family. i think she got switched at birth or something... except she looks more like my mom than i do... so maybe its me that got switched at birth.
and i havent finished my xmas shopping. and i have to clean out my fridge. and i havent finished my laundry. and i havent packed yet. and i have way too much to do at work to get ready for the vacation days i'm taking [that i cant actually afford because i have no fukking vacation, so i have to take leave without pay] and i'm going to be stranded in NY with no internet access [eventhough i'll have my laptop] for a week. and i have to vaccuum still. and i need to pick up a perscription, but i forgot to call it in to be refilled, and i didnt bring the stupid thing with me to work so i cant do that from here. and i have to deposit some checks so i dont go broke while i'm in NY, and i can afford to go grocery shopping when i finally get home. and i have to take out my trash. and i have to beg my apt manager to get my mail for me while i'm gone. and and and *sobs in frustration*
and then theres all the emotional shit that i'm going through...
divorce papers need to be served and signed. custody needs to be agreed on. but thats all up in the air cuz no one knows where my ex will be living in 2 months.
and my army boy is coming to visit again directly after i get home from NY, and i want things to be perfect for him cuz he deserves it. he's dealing with stuff that i wish i could help with... that i desperately want to find a way to help with, but i dont know how. i mean, how do i help the fact that the army might stop loss him before he can get out of the army, and send him back to iraq for another year? how do i help the fact that his parents are old, and sick, and need help, but in order for him to help them, he has to put his entire life on hold? how do i help that in order for him to get the $$ to be able to take care of them, he has to take a job as one of those private contracted security people in the middle east? how do i help that he feels like he needs to take care of everyone and everything, no matter how it affects him? how do i help the fact that because of all that stuff, he feels like he's doing me a disservice? he doesnt believe me when i tell him he's not. he doesnt get that his willingness to do all those things is one of the things that i admire about him. he doesnt understand how rare it is for someone to care so much for their parents, and want to take care of them that way. he doesnt understand that i'm willing to go through hell with him, and help him do those things, because i see how important it is to him. of course, i've discovered that he gets the "what if's" worse than i do... can you believe it? i mean wow... cuz i'm really bad about those... and he blows me outta the water. i worry about absolutely nothing in comparison to the roads that his mind goes down... but i like that too. partially cuz it makes me feel normal, and partially cuz it shows that he's one of the few people out there in the world who actually gives a shit to the point that they'll worry. and i'm in there in those what ifs. and that makes me feel really good, that he cares enough about me to worry... even if some of the things hes worrying about are pretty silly [some of them arent... but a lot of them are, just because he doesnt understand just how much i care for him].
and i have to register for next semester's classes after i get back, but i havent finished paying for LAST semester's classes yet [stupid mid semester tuition increases... dag nabbit... fuck arnold for pulling education funding. just fuck him].
then its my birthday soon... and we know i'm so looking forward to that... *sigh* another year older, not that the guy carding me for my smokes is gonna give a shit... he still is convinced i'm like 16 or some shit like that. would someone please explain to him that it is almost medically impossible for a 16 yr old to have a 6 year old son?? this whole looking 10 years younger than i really am is getting really old really quick. if i were 40, fine, great. let me look 30. but i'm 25. i work full time. i'm a mom. I want to be seen as the responsible adult that i am, not treated like a teenager with a fake ID!!
and my mother is going through menopause and going completely and totally PSYCHOTIC about the stupidest shit... i was at her place this weekend with my son, and OH MY GOD. i mean she just couldnt shut up about everything that was wrong with everything. i smelled like smoke. [shock of shocks. i'm a fukkin smoker. no shit imma smell like smoke] and not only did i smell like smoke, but i smelled like smoke so much that she wouldnt HUG ME. i let my son have a soda, a non-caffinated soda, and mom throws a fit saying how soda is bad, soda is horrible, soda has sugar in it, blah blah blah. she even forbade my sister from using a certain hand lotion because mom cant stand the smell of it... even though --I-- cant smell it at all... argh. i know it doesnt sound like much... but the entire day was full of things like this. bitching that an old boyfriend of hers called her on her 50th birthday to wish her well, and tell her that their old favorite restaurant was closing... i mean wow. thats something that i would find incredibly sweet and touching, that he would think about her after all this time... but no... mom was ANGRY about it... weird shit man. and its just hard to take a whole day of that. i understand that shes going through weird hormonal shifts, but even the most understanding only goes so far when you end up being a target [which i was several times]. i've never been more miserable seeing my mom.
and here i am sitting at work, trying desperately to fight off the nervous breakdown that's pressing firmly against the wall i've built up around it in my head. drowning in work that i cant focus on to save my life. everything needs to get done before i leave tomorrow... and two days isnt enough to take care of everything. its not even enough time to take care of one tenth of everything. and deadlines are coming up. and theres so many things i'm going to have to take care of when i get back from vacation... my god.
stepping in front of the train on my way home is starting to look even more appealing than it used to. i wish i could just put an end to all this SHIT in my life. i wish i could just go back to being a kid, when everything was taken care of for me, and all i had to do was what i was told to do. i would give anything to be able to go back to that right now. i'm tired of being an adult. i'm tired of having to carry everything on my shoulders. i'm tried of having to be the one to fix everything, and take care of everyone. i'm tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong. i'm tired. so tired. i'm tired of coming last. i'm tired of not mattering. i'm tired of being here. here... this world. this life. this body. [oh fuck, evanescence "my immortal" is on launch now... i'm screwed... just fukkin screwed]
i wish to god i just had someone to tell me what to do. to just take over everything and tell me every morning when i get up what i need to do that day. and you know its funny... cuz my parents try to run my life... but not the way i want... they just tell me what i'm doing wrong. and what i should do instead. but they dont tell me HOW. they dont break it down for me. at this point, i'd be willing to do whatever the hell they said, if they could just break it down for me... "monday, do this and this. tuesday do that and the other thing. wednesday do x y and z". cuz i just cant fukkin focus anymore.
i think i need to see a shrink. i think i need to get on meds for the ADD. i think i need to get back on meds for the manic depression. i dont know. i dont want to do either. i dont like the way meds make me. i dont like who i become. but i need to get my life in order, and i dont fukkin know how, and i cant focus to save my life. i cant think straight. i cant pin down my thoughts unless i'm pouring them out like this... all jumbled and rambling... and even then they dont make much sense to me... its like once they're on screen, or paper, they belong to someone else, and i cant relate to them anymore.
can someone just tell me what i'm supposed to do? please? i'll do whatever... honest i will... just tell me what... *puts her head down on her desk and tries not to cry too loud*
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