sicker than sick *cough cough* but posting anyway

okay... so i promised more details... only i havent posted in the past few days cuz as soon as my boy went home, i got drastically ill. [something about a viral sinus infection and subsequent bronchitis] so i've been doped up on narcotics for the past two days [and am even still quite loopy, so pardon if this post makes less sense than usual] with no immediate end of that in sight.

so yeah... i think my accounts of thursday and friday were about as detailed as need be, cuz otherwise i might just give you all too much information... and while some of you wouldnt object, some of you would, and well, i'm doin my best to keep everyone happy here...

saturday was just as wonderful as thursday night and friday, perhaps even more so, if simpler. waking up with his arm around me is... heaven, and oh so right. all i could do was snuggle closer and be happy that there was no alarm to wake me up as i drifted back to sleep with his breath against my ear, his heart beat against my back... eventually we did wake up, and went and curled up on the couch to watch movies on tv while he forced me to do my homework. angel that he is, went out and brought me back breakfast... that was so sweet... necessary, as i [oh the ever prepared one that i am] hadn't gone grocery shopping in weeks and the only edible things in my fridge were a block of cheese, some pickles, and a bottle of ranch dressing, [yes, that officially makes me a bachelorette...in practice anyway, if not on paper quite yet.] but incredibly sweet :) after breakfast, i went back to working [he made me... i didnt want to, but he told me that if i didnt, he wouldnt... um... nevermind *blush*] and he fell asleep with his head in my lap... so i stopped working for a little while and just watched him. he looks just like a little boy when he's asleep like that... so peaceful, so pure... *sighs wistfully* when i finally finished working [he distracted me some *ahem*] we went and got some dvds, and chinese takeout, and curled up together and watched movies. i havent been that relaxed in ages and ages. leaning back against his chest, his legs tangled in mine, his arms across my chest, our fingers laced together... my god. we fit perfectly together, like god [or whoever] made us for eachother. i drifted in and out of sleep like that... missed most of the end of the movie we were watching, but thats quite alright with me... until he coaxed me into bed and i got to fall asleep with my head on his chest.

Sunday was bliss again, waking up with him curled around me... i have never felt so safe in my life... and we stayed in bed for quite a while after we both woke up *ahem* [details omitted again... sorry ppl...] then crawled out of bed to watch the dvd's that we didnt get to the night before [which got interrupted... *ahem*... oh darn *wink wink*]. sunday was cut short unfortunately, because he was going to stay til monday morning... but he got a phone call from a friend who was frantic cuz his mom was in the hospital... so my boy asks me if its alright if he leaves early to go be with his friend. can you believe that? he asked permission to leave!?! my jaw dropped on that one... i mean gosh... thats adorably sweet, but totally unnecessary... besides, what was i going to say? "no, you're not allowed to go be with your friend who's mom is in a coma, you have to stay here and watch me do homework" ??? well of course i'm not gonna say that... so i said yeah it was alright... and he thanked me over and over for understanding... which made me feel awkward cuz i really didnt think i was doing anything overly special, just being the normal me... although as i was getting my bear hug goodbye i couldnt stop myself from saying that i didnt want him to go [i didnt cry. i promised myself i wouldnt cry as he left. and i didnt.], and he said he didnt want to go either [it was really hard not to cry dammit]... and i kissed him good bye... and watched him drive away... then immediately went upstairs, crawled into my bed where i could still smell him, and cried my eyes out for a good hour. [hey, i said i promised not to cry AS he left, not AFTER he left]. in fact, i spent most of the afternoon in tears... happy ones and "missing him" ones all mixed together... until i decided that that wasnt doing me any good, and i needed to get out. so i called up a friend that i knew was desperate for details, and took her to dinner. after which i commenced coming down with this head/chest cold full force.

so i havent been at work for the past two days... and while i'm in the office today, i'm not exactly all here. i havent been able to convince myself to change my sheets yet either, cuz the pillows still slightly smell like him, and i cant bear the thought of washing that away... cuz if i hold them tight enough, and close my eyes, its almost like he's there again...

i thought this long distance thing would be easy. i really thought it would be. i've done long distance relationships enough in my life, and not had a problem, that i thought this would be a piece of cake, that i would be fine when he left, that i would be fine with him not near me, just like i was fine with all the other LDR's i've ever had. but its not easy, and i wasnt fine when he left, and i'm not fine with him not near me. thank god he's coming back on the 28th and staying through new years. after that though... i dont know when i'll get to see him again, and even now i'm dreading him leaving to go back to base. *pause to go find tissues and convince myself not to cry AGAIN*

i've just never experienced this before... this intensity of emotion... and i finally understand the whole "passion is pain" concept... and the jealousy concept too. i never understood jealousy before. i guess maybe i just didnt have anyone or anything worth being jealous about. but i do now. and wow. who knew?

anyway... i'm going to go try to do a little bit of work... damned narcotics making me sleepy... doc warned me about that, but regular cough syrup doesnt do shit for this cough, so i've just gotta suffer i spose. i could really use a hug right now... *sigh*