scared sh*tless

omg. he'll be here tonite. omg. i was awake all night cleaning my apartment. omg. its still not clean enough for my liking. omg. i woke up this morning and immediately threw up. omg. i have never been this nervous in my life. omg. i had to call in late for work cuz i couldnt control the dry heaves. OMG. i cleaned more inbetween episodes of extreme nausea. i vaccumed everything TWICE. omg. i scrubbed the little metal things under the burners on the stove. omg. i still havent folded my laundry yet. OMG. he better not dare look in my closets!! omg. i'm literally panicking.

how the fuk am i supposed to work like this? how am i supposed to go to class like this? how am i supposed to bring myself to open the door tonight? i'm so scared.

he laughed at me on the phone last night because he could hear how nervous i was. because i was so nervous i was talking in circles. because i was so nervous that my voice was trembling. because he thought it was incredibly cute. because he's nervous too. but i'm more than nervous. i'm terrified. all the what if's keep running through my head. dear god someone make them stop. someone PLEASE make them stop.

my hands are shaking as i'm typing this. OMG i've only got 10 hours before he's here. i feel like someone dropped a ton of bricks on my chest. breathing takes effort. oh oh panic attacks are so much fun. not. gads.

if you dont see anything from me this weekend, i'm either having the time of my life, or i've died from a heart attack. either way.

i cant wait the 10 hours. but they also dont seem quite long enough. its like time is speeding forward and yet standing still all at the same time. my head is spinning. i'm dizzy. i'm queasy still. ACK.

those damned what if's will be the death of me i swear to god they will.

anyone got a valium or 10? i could use a few right now. if ya do, email them to me asap. thanks.