Wow. I don't know where to start today. Maybe I should start by saying, I have not slept.
Honestly, I didn't even try last night. I knew it was a lost cause even before I got into bed. I was distraught. I was needy. I was alone.
That guy I mentioned last week somewhere... well, he's turning out to be a lot less awesome than I originally thought. The problem is, he can't make up his mind what he wants from me. That, and as most young people do, he's suffering from some stupid idealized view of how emotional attraction works. Sadly, I've let myself become way too entangled in whatever the hell is going through his head, and now --I-- don't know what I want. Okay, thats not entirely true. I know what I want. I just don't know what I want from him. Which puts me between a rock and a hard place, because I've been saying that he needs to make up his mind, and now I can't make up mine.
My worry is that I'm only taking this bullshit from him because I'm so totally and utterly lonely, not because of something that we actually have together. Am I only being this optimistic because I'm so fukking desperate for a relationship? Would I put up with this if I were the least bit content with my solitude? Would I?? You know, I don't think I would.
But then, there are the good things... That we can talk about anything for hours on end, without being totally judgemental of each other. That there are really rough issues that we've both dealt with, so we can understand the dark parts of each other. That we can joke, and laugh... That we're both totally affectionate...
But is it worth the hassle? Really?
I think I need to take a really close look at my motivations and decide why I'm letting this boy affect me like this. I need to decide if this is about him, or if its about me.
And I have a sinking feeling that its about me; my fear of being alone, my need for physical attention, my need to feel loved, and wanted, and understood...
Yes, today I'm in the bottom of a pit... a deep dark pit. I could really use a hand up... and right now, I don't care who's hand it is.
Oh, Tess. :( If there's any good to come of this at least you can take some sort of strange (and small) comfort in the knowledge that you know yourself well enough to recognize that it might be your lonliness that's pushing you toward this guy. Most women have no clue about their own emotional health and look to everything else around them for nourishment, when the bottom of the pit needs to be fed by yourself first. I was 50 lbs heavier and with a guy who was completely wrong for me until I shook myself out of it and realized that I wasn't OK being alone, let alone with him. So, I moved on (called off a wedding 4 days before it was supposed to ruin my life) and I'm much happier both emotionally and physically at this point. I'm alright with me, and that's what makes me alright with the man I'm with now.
ReplyDeleteYou're on the right track. The more you figure out about Tess, the more you'll figure out about this guy... and then you'll know if he's worth your very valuable time and care.
Keep that chin up and work on your left hook... it always takes 'em by surprise. ;)
Okay, you and I are starting to sound more and more alike... freaky.
ReplyDeleteI did basically the same thing you did, except I went through with the marriage and stuck with it for a couple years before I woke up and moved on.
My ex said the same thing about that I should feel good that I recognize what I'm doing... and I do feel good that I have the presence of mind to take a good hard look at myself, and why I'm in the situations I'm in. Unfortunately, as honest as I am with everyone else, I'm extremely good at lying to myself sometimes... and it takes a while to wake up and see it.
I am awake right now though... I've decided to take a break from this guy for a day or two before talking about this any more with him. I think the "just friends" route is the one to take, and seek romantic comfort elsewhere. I know what I need, and its becoming very clear to me that he just isn't capable of giving it, no matter how much either of us might want him to be.
Cold hard truth. Painful, but necessary. :)
Damn, you're a smartie. ;) You should be proud of that, for sure.
ReplyDeleteI happen to think that lying to yourself is the easiest deception to pull off - because you want to believe it. I'm quite good at that. I try not to, but I think that most people trick themselves into things all the time and it's just something that you have to grow out of. At 27 I'm on the way, but I'm still in infancy when it comes to being totally straight up with myself when it counts.
Oh, and BTW, we sound alike because of the cloning. One day the mothership might explain it all... hehehe