I'm stealing valuable time from work to write this, but something has been bugging me for a good part of the past weekend.
On Saturday, during an argument with someone, it was said that I am self righteous, insensitive, that I will say whatever I feel like saying without thinking about the feelings of the person I'm talking to, and that I blame other people for them getting upset about what I say, not taking any of the responsibility on myself, and never appologizing.
Even though the person who made these accusations probably won't be reading my blog, I felt I needed to write about it here, and get some feedback from you all, be it positive, negative, or whatever.
First of all, I don't see how anyone who knows me could ever see me as self righteous or insensitive. I am, I think, one of the most kind, caring, non-judgemental, accepting people you could ever hope to meet. I have friends of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, colors, races, nationalities, life styles, income levels, etc etc ad nauseum, and I don't think I am better than any of them. I accept them as they are, with little expectation of them except that they be a friend to me as best they can. How is that self righteous? I mean, I make the joke that I couldn't be any more open-minded without my brain falling out of my head. Come on people.
As for insensitive, I'm outreaged to the point of laughter about that. I have always, to the point of self neglect, put other people's wants, needs, and feelings ahead of my own. I'm one of those people who will bend over backwards, tie myself in a pretzel, and walk on my hands over hot coals to the end of the world and back if thats what it will take to make a friend happy. I can't help but be hyper-sensitive towards the feelings of others. I'm empathic. I feel the world around me more intensely than other people do, and as a result, can't bear causing someone pain unless its absolutely necessary -- because to cause someone else pain is to cause myself pain... It's impossible for me to be insensitive without shutting myself down completely -- and thats more work than its worth.
Now, saying what I feel without thinking of the other person's feelings... I think everyone is guilty of this every now and again. Sometimes the stuff that churns around inside our heads makes it out of our mouths without us realizing it until its too late. Thankfully I don't have this problem too often, because most of my conversations take place via Instant Message and I can backspace to my heart's contentment. But I too am subject to the innate human-ness that causes the occasional slip of the tongue (or enter key), and when I do accidentally say something I didn't mean, or meant but worded wrong, I admit it, and appologize. Sincerely.
Ok. Here's the tough one. Blaming other people for getting upset about what I say, not taking any of the responsibility upon myself, and subsequently not appologizing -- Thing is, you really have to know me in order to understand this. In a way, this is the one accusation that comes close to the truth. But here's why:
I am one of the very few women you will ever come across who says exactly what she means, and means exactly what she says. This is a difficult idea for most people to wrap their minds around, as most people (especially women) are not like this. So many misunderstandings ensue because people read subcontext into one of my statements where there isnt any. I can't even begin to count the number of times this has happened, and I'm starting to get sick of it. People simply refuse to understand that I am always completely honest (though, there are some intensely private things that I keep to myself -- but that isn't dishonesty, its tact, and maintains my privacy about things that are frankly no one's goddamned business but mine), that I mean what I say, and say exactly what I mean, no more, no less. As such, I will not take responsibility for a misunderstanding that happens as a result of A) taking what I say out of context, B) twisting my words around so they mean something other than what I actually said, or C) reading more into what I've said than what I've actually said. I'm sorry, but I simply will NOT appologize to someone if their doing these things has caused them to get pissed off. That is their fault not mine.
Another thing is that I hold to the idea that most things I say are purely my opinion, and should not be taken as anything more. I enjoy a good debate, or deep discussion, but only in so much as that they are an open exchange of ideas, not one person trying to convince the other how right they are. I take everything someone says with that same idea, that this is just their opinion, and as such, I can regard it, or disregard it, as I see fit. Yes, sometimes that comes off as me seeming full of myself, or as me not taking someone's feelings into consideration, but that's not the case. Understanding someone's viewpoint and agreeing with it are two totally different things. Just because I understand why someone thinks, or feels, a certain way -- that doesn't mean I'm going to agree with it, and people get bent out of shape over that. While I'm sorry that they get upset, I'm not going to appologize for not agreeing with them. I'm just not. It would be undermining my own integrity for me to do so, and I'm not going to sell myself short like that.
And I'm not going to appologize for anything just because someone else thinks I should. I appologize when I feel I should, because I've done, or said, something wrong or hurtful; because --I-- have fucked up somehow, not because I'm not acting the way someone else thinks I should, or because I'm not saying what someone else thinks I should. I respect myself enough to hold to my own standards of behavior, and I'm not going to modify that for anyone. If I did, what kind of person would that make me?
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