This is a sequel of sorts to a post I made last year. Please go read it before reading this one, so you understand what I'm talking about.
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"What do you want?" is a problematic question for me. Not all the time mind you, just in intimate situations. I never knew why either, which was disturbing, and left me just as baffled and confused by my reaction to it as everyone else was. Now though... Now I know why I react the way I do.
You'd think that understanding would make it better, or easier to deal with, but it doesn't. In fact, it makes it worse. Now instead of me just freezing up a bit, asking me what I want triggers flashbacks to what happened when I was little (go read that post too, if you haven't already, cuz I'm not going to go into detail here). Its like being transported back in time, and being that terrified little girl again. The real world ceases to exist, and I'm lost within the shattered memory, and I can't get out of it.
That happened last night -- and I just shut down. I tried to fight it, I really really did, but I couldn't. I couldn't even say what was wrong, when asked... *sigh* I felt so bad about it... still do actually... its not fair that someone else ends up getting punished for what some asshole did to me. Its not fair at all.
*hugs Tess*
ReplyDeletewell, you already know my thoughts. been there, done that, got the t-shirt, the book, the broadway musical. for lots of reasons i can't share my story here with you, i sort of wish i could as it might give you some interesting insights (not that you need them - you are tremendously insightful anyway). only recently, did things begin to change for me - and i think you possibly know the reason for that. and even there, there is still a lot of work i have to do on myself.
sorry - didn't mean that to turn into something about me - but, Tess, hang on in there, hun - you have so much going for you
much much love and light to you, i sincerely mean that
Cat xx