well, i was supposed to go to work today, and i was supposed to go to class tonite, but my fever from last night didnt disappear with sleep, and instead stayed with me and got worse this morning. so i'm home. i've been home. drifting in and out of consciousness, curled up in a fluffy blanket on the couch in front of my television, watching bits and pieces of whatever happens to be on while i'm awake.
theres something about being sick, especially with a rather dehabilitating fever, that always makes me really wish i had someone to curl up with. i know, that just serves to share germs... but the idea of being wrapped in someones arms, having them stroke my hair, and kiss my forehead as i fall asleep, and to wake up that way as well... is just... heavenly.
and its not so much about the actual touch, its what that touch communicates. care, attention, desire, worry, love. its when i'm sick, when i'm feeling absolutely miserable, that i need someone to feel those things for me the most. its why i get "clingy" when i'm hurting, or sick, or unhappy. i mean, i'm always an extremely physically affectionate person, but when i'm not feeling good, i have a tendency to act like a suction cup, and just glue myself to the significant other of the moment. when i was little i used to glue myself to my parents, if they were around, or my sister if they werent, or my best friend, if that was the only option. i've always just needed that physical presence to feel better...
and right now, i dont have it. which i suppose is why i am typing all this out an advertising it to the entire world... instead of curling up with someone. and of course, i'm adding insult to injury by watching chick flicks on oxygen while ordering out for pizza because i'm too dizzy to stand at the microwave long enough to actually cook something.
i am going to reitterate something i've said several times so far... i hate this being alone thing. i hate the isolation. i'm not built for isolation. i come from a huge italian family, where dinners were made for 12 people when we were all together, and hugging and kissing abounded between everyone. we hugged and kissed hello, we hugged and kissed when we were happy, we hugged and kissed when we were sad, and we hugged and kissed goodbye... there was always someone to hug, and hold, and touch, and be with... and now... now there isnt anyone. and its miserable. and i'm miserable.
You never clinged to me silly. I always clinged to you and it pissed you off.
ReplyDeleteBut just think, hopefully this weekend you'll be spending time with some people who care about you. That being me and dad and damien and (hopefully) chris. I'm looking forward to seeing you and the kid, i haven't seen y'all in ages it seems. i need some kiddie squeezes.
i wish i could be there to make you some soup or something, or just to keep you company. some day soon you'll find someone to be there forever and until then, just know that i totally feel the same and dread going to sleep at night.
<3 lil sis
Life would be a helluva lot simpler if the ones we cared about weren't a million miles away. Or even 3. But you have people more important who are closer to you and can give you the company you want. You could be without even that.
ReplyDeleteBut you've said you needed this and you do.