this time i know exactly what caused it. exactly. a phone conversation in the wee hours of the morning with someone very close to me. [no, not my army boy... i wish i could talk to him on the phone in the wee hours of the morning... with all my heart i wish it... even if not a whole lot of actual talking would take place *wink wink*] what was so depressing about the conversation? well... thats a tough one to explain. i dont even fully understand it myself. but things were said; things that hurt me horribly. its funny how someone can have good intentions, and still wind up emotionally disembowling you... and i know he didnt mean to hurt me like that... i know he didnt mean to throw me into this black hole of depression... i know he didnt mean to make me cry... i know he didnt mean to make me feel like complete and total shit...
but he did.
[disclaimer: i have more male friends than i do female, and of my female friends, i only have one that i talk to about anything important. my guy friends are my confidants. generally i get along better with them then i do with women. i think its the sexual tension that screws up my friendships with women... which is not as big a deal with guy friends, cuz sexual tension is expected... ya know? eh. if ya dont, its okay... i'm not sure i do either]
we ended up basically hanging up on eachother... i guess i pissed him off too. i understand. i have a tendency to frustrate the hell out of people. its not that i do it on purpose, its just how i am. i see things differently than most. i feel things differently than most. i have weird hang ups, and strange boundaries. it takes a special kind of person to be able to put up with me. it takes an even more special kind of person to enjoy me.
the problem is, this friend wants me to be different than how i am. i dont blame him. i'd like me to be different than how i am. but... pushing me to change, will not effect that change any quicker. its something that i have to do, myself, on my own terms, on my own timeline. if he wants to help, fine, but again, its got to be on my terms, on my timeline.
my terms:
what doesnt help me:
complaining about the issues i have does not help me.
getting mad at me for the issues i have does not help me.
bitching at me about the issues i have does not help me.
making me feel guilty about the issues i have does not help me.
making me feel inept and inadequate because of the issues i have does not help me.
pushing me to move forward when i'm not ready to does not help me.
telling me that i'm doing this to myself does not help me.
what does help me:
being patient with me helps me.
holding my hand helps me.
being there when i need you to be helps me.
being gentle with me helps me.
accepting me the way i am helps me.
accepting the fact that i'm doing the best i can helps me.
giving me a shoulder to cry on helps me.
letting me vent helps me.
rambling on about nothing in particular when i cant think of anything to say helps me.
telling me that everything will be alright (and meaning it) helps me.
reminding me that i'm not alone helps me.
"playing that game" helps me.
making me smile and laugh helps me.
that said... we'll see.
i'm going home now... nytol.
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