why is it that i never want to do what i need to do when i need to do it? why is it that i only ever want to do what i need to do when i'm supposed to be doing something else?
example: i'm at home this weekend, banging my head on my keyboard, trying to write an essay for english. i dont want to do the essay, i cant STAND the essay topic (the myth is the public dream, the dream is the private myth -- explain and support with examples and analyses of your own dreams), and i cant seem to get past 2 pages, no matter how many pages i actually end up writing. but, i can clearly and happily think about work, and all the things i need to do monday morning (today). now that i'm at work however, all i can manage to think about is that stupid essay, and the angles that i should have taken with it, and i can NOT, not even to save my own life, focus on the work i am supposed to be doing right now.
i guess the explanation is simple enough... ADD strikes again. its easy to blame it on a mental disorder, but unfortunately i'm not content with that cop-out. i am an adult, i am responsible, i should be able to enforce some self discipline in my own life, and my own thought patterns. key word there: should.
i have spent the first 2 hours of being at work as such: getting breakfast, going for a smoke, finding lyrics to a song, posting lyrics to a song on my blog, talking briefly with my boss about something thats way over my head at work and shoving it off onto her desk, having another smoke, and writing a post for my blog. um. yeah.
this is not the normal me, although it has been the most prevalent me over the past few weeks. normally, i work nonstop, except for the occasional IM from a friend or my army boy, and actually get things accomplished. lately, i've done virtually nothing. okay, so almost literally nothing, at work. i deal with the emergencies, i answer my phone, i respond to my email, and i might pay some of the invoices sitting in my pending folders... but really? i do nothing all day. and i cant bring myself to do more than that. the strange thing is, the less i do, the higher the respect people give me.
what happened, was i magically transported into Office Space? funny thing is, i can see my boss saying: ummmmmmm yeah... did you get the memo about the TPS reports? (even tho shes a chick and a pretty one at that). we need one of those consultants to come in so that i can tell them how fukt up this place is, and get it fixed, as well as getting all this work (that i'm never going to do) off my desk. blah. anyway, i guess i should go at least LOOK busy... *shrug*
i'll try to post something funny later... funny posts are generally more interesting anyway.
yeah, the trying to do a little bit of something else doesnt seem to help much, because once i start to do a little bit of it, i dont really want to stop... once i'm focused on something, its fairly hard to get me to break that focus, which can be a good thing, if i'm focused on what i need to be doing... unfortunately, 9 times out of 10, i'm not. ah well. i muddle through anyway :) so far i've done a small bit of actual work, mostly kissing up to professors (which earns me huge plus points), and ignoring all the mundane day to day stuff. hehe.
ReplyDeletehehe. well, i dont believe in crutches like that... call me stubborn, call me pig-headed, call me anal-retentive, but i have this need to do stuff without help, without a crutch, without an excuse to fall back on. i think it was the over-achiever parents that warped my mind this way... but then, who knows, maybe that's just an excuse too. lol.
ReplyDeleteanyway, i have almost literally wasted my entire day screwing around on the net reading blogs, following the news, and sending emails to my friends and family... hahaha. and still... i am being confused for a manager (hmmmmm maybe this says something about what managers do?)