schitzophrenic ramblings [indeed they are]

wow... i've been trying to write this post for an hour and a half, and keep coming up with abso-freakin nothin [lame eh?].

i guess the problem is that i'm not really all here today [okay, so i'm never really all here, but i mean more-so than normal, seen?]. i couldnt sleep last night [well thats not accurate either. i could have slept, and in fact i did eventually, but i didnt really want to] and so was up way too late [late enough that it was morning again before i fell asleep in front of my computer waiting to see if army boy was going to make it back from "i got booted off yahoo" land]. as a result, i called in to work sick [indeed, i wasnt actually "sick" per se, but i felt like crap anyway and just wanted to go back to sleep] and didnt end up coming in til like, noon [noon was a completely accurate representation of when i got here, when i started working is a totally different story].

so today is a "sit at my desk and mess around on the computer" day [i have many of these] where i basically dont do anything except be here to answer the phone and respond to any "urgent" [urgent for the sender, cuz frankly, nothing here is urgent to me... i dont give a shit anymore] emails. and i might not even answer the emails [okay, i will, but only out of my noble sense of duty, and having nothing better to do].

i really just want to go back home [which i could do if i wanted to waste my vacation leave] and go to sleep [which i probably wouldnt end up doing anyway], but the idea of sleeping alone [as usual, again, blah] is just way too much for me to bear [seriously. i lose more sleep that way than any other]. and i do mean just sleeping. i'm not talking about some desire to get fukt or anything like that [although, i wouldnt mind that either], i really honestly mean i want someone to sleep next to. theres just something so comforting about feeling someone's chest against your back as you slowly fall into a deep peaceful sleep [and i dont fall into deep peaceful sleeps any other way]. i guess it makes me feel safe [feeling safe is very important to me]. and i dont have nightmares [usually] if someone's holding me while i sleep [such a rare thing... so i just suffer through the nightmares].

what are the nightmares about? [yes, i knew someone would wonder, so i'm attempting to answer... now] the thing about that is, i dont know. i dont remember them [except for a choice few, but i am NOT sharing those because a) i dont feel like reliving them right now, and b) they were horrible enough that just reading about them would give YOU nightmares]. i just wake up in this intense state of terror and sadness [yes, at the same time. dont ask me how THAT works, i'm no psych major], typically on the verge of tears. sometimes i feel as if i need to get away from something [no, i dont know what], or to escape somehow [no, i dont know how either].

sometimes i have good dreams [very good dreams even], but thats an extremely rare thing [although, i've been having recurring good dreams lately, which is a nice change of pace]. i love having good dreams... i wish i had more of them [especially the recurring ones that i've been having lately]. usually if i have good dreams, its if i'm sleeping while the sun is up [early morning, or the middle of the afternoon]. i just dont dream well at night [or sleep well, as a result]. i think it might have something to do with it being dark [lack of vitamin D maybe?] or the fact that its harder for me to be alone at night than it is during the day [theres just something about how peaceful night is that makes me really really want to share it with someone].

and then sometimes [even more rarely than the good dreams] i have strange dreams that dont scare me, but arent good either [read: weird fukt up dreams that you never seem to forget, and think about on a regular basis because you're still trying to figure out what the fuk they meant]. the last one of those i had was... well it was funny i suppose [at least thats what people said when i told them about it], but in a dark kinda way. i dreamt i was giving birth to something [yes, someTHING, as in, not a baby] in an old run down gas station garage, while strapped to the hydraulic lift, and surrounded by men dressed in mechanics overalls, with surgical masks and caps, who were holding various automotive tools [alright, so i'm insane. thats what the dream means right? that i'm beyond fukt up eh? gee thanx for agreeing with me]. i wrote about that dream for an english essay [goddamned stupid fukkin english essays, i hate those friggin things], and i saw the prof's face as he was reading over it real quick after i turned it in... i've never seen someone look so shocked before [okay, so i have, but it sounds better if i say that i havent].

so yeah... sleep for me is generally a difficult thing [not entirely surprising, given the above bit about my dreams].

anyway, enough of my schitzophrenic ramblings [yeah, enough already], i'm gonna go wander out for a ciggy and waste some more time [slacker!].