when elevators forget how to count

once again the elevators in my building are on the fritz. mind you, this is not breaking news, nor is it surprising by any means. ever since they started tearing down the building next door, they blocked off the stairs that lead to the rest of campus, so all that traffic has been funneled through my building, and into our poor old elevators. needless to say, the strain on them has been dehabilitating. over the past few months, at least one of them has been broken half of the time.

now however, the elevators have been developing severe dementia.

example number one:
you get on the elevator on the second floor, intending to go down one floor (this is necessary as there are no stairs between the second floor and the first floor mezzanine -- its not just that we're lazy, honest). the elevator understands that you want to go down, and has the down arrow lit as confirmation. once you press the button, and the door closes, the elevator immediately FORGETS that it had agreed to take you down, and proceeds to take you UP to the fourth floor before even considering letting you out. then, and only then, does it remember that it was supposed to go down. upon this realization, the doors SLAM shut, and you plummet down to the floor you originally requested, passing up any persons waiting for a down elevator on the way.

example number two:
you get on the elevator on the mezzanine, intending to go up one floor (again, necessary, as mentioned above). the elevator understands that you want to go up, and has the up arrow lit as confirmation. once you press the button and the door closes, the elevator immediately becomes confused about what floor its actually on, and defaults to thinking that its in the basement!! (this is two floors lower than you actually are). so, thinking its in the basement, it takes you up four floors, to what it THINKS is the second floor, but is ACTUALLY the FOURTH floor. when it goes to let you out, it suddenly regains its bearings, and slams the doors shut to take you back DOWN to the second floor.

example number three:
you get on the elevator, press the button, and nothing happens. for TEN minutes. you wait patiently, knowing its an old elevator, but eventually you start to get scared. if the door is taking this long to close, will it ever open again when its time for you to get out? but then suddenly the door does start to close... 1/4... 1/3... 1/2... SLAM! all the way. and thats when you panic. you think its never going to open again! and when you finally get to your floor, your fears are reinforced... the door creaks, but does not move. you wait, growing more and more claustrophobic as the seconds crawl by. eventually, the door starts to move, it starts to open... 1/4... 1/3... 1/2... SLAM!! all the way open. you can finally breathe again.

these elevator antics have encouraged me to take the stairs whenever possible... even if i have to go down a floor before i can go up a floor (as is the case if i want to go from the mezzanine to the second floor... i have to take the stairs down to the first floor, and from there take a separate staircase up to the second floor... 6 flights of stairs all together).

i'm thinking of starting a petition to have the elevators put on dementia medication, as their delusional states are getting worse, and worse, as time goes by. i'm sure at least the east elevator should go on stress leave, but i dont think the elevators union has negotiated a new contract that allows for that yet.

(yes i'm still manic, cant you tell? :P)