good morning world... i think.

i was thrown into the working world full force this morning, without my normal 2 hours of goofing off to wake me up, so i'm really not sure that i did what i was supposed to do correctly... sorry, but thats what happens when i'm required to show up before 9, and "emergencies" are immediately dropped in my lap. i hold no remorse for any errors that may occur. its simply not my fault. its the fault of management for not letting me work later hours. [thats my story, and i'm sticking to it].

suffice it so say that i'm uber tired, but i'm once again in one of those strangely relaxed contented moods. i was up til about 2:30 last night... I'd intended on going to bed earlier, but i was in a horribly lonely mood [are we noticing a trend here?] and couldnt quite convince myself that sleeping alone was a good thing... so i was laying there, feeling miserably sorry for myself...

[justification for my extreme self pity: yesterday was a hard day, a long day, and a miserable commute home -- damned idiots throwing themselves in front of trains and delaying my arrival home, making me miss my bus, making me have to wait around for the next one, then causing me to get stuck in the rain. i blame my entire miserable evening on that idiot who not only threw themselves in front of the train, but had the GALL to get STUCK under it. what a moron, i swear. so, nameless fool, the next time you want to throw yourself in front of a train, pick Amtrak. I dont take Amtrak, so it wont affect me, and you probably wont get stuck underneath the thing cuz its so heavy it'll just crush you, unlike the electric light rail, to which you are like that little wedge that holds doors open (whats that called?). of course, if you were smart enough to think of that, you wouldnt be throwing yourself in front of trains in the first place, now would you! okay... rant about idiots under trains over]

... desperately needing to smile, and laugh, and feel good about something... and just when i've about given up all hope of any gladness for the evening [i use the term evening very loosely, as at that point, it was somewhere around 1:45am i think], my army boy shows up online, and makes me smile, and laugh, and feel good :) it amazes me that he can always do that... no matter how horrible of a mood i'm in, no matter how sad i am, no matter how angry i am... theres something about him that just puts me totally and completely at ease with myself, and everything around me... and makes me feel like all is right with the world. i cant explain it. its as surprising to me as it is for anyone who knows me. i'm never at ease, about anything. ever. and the world never seems right. ever. except after talking with him.

i didnt have any trouble falling asleep after that... and i didnt have nightmares either... i slept, peacefully. i didnt even toss or turn in my sleep [i know cuz i always wake up slightly if i'm moving around in my sleep. i'm an incredibly light sleeper. its slightly annoying at times]. and i woke up with a smile :) i must have had sweet dreams, even if i dont remember them.

he's due home soon, and due to come see me soon... and i'm so nervous... not so much about seeing him, because i dont think that being together face to face is going to ruin anything... but more about the condition of my apartment. i'm rather ashamed of my crappy little hole in the wall that doesnt even feel like its really my space yet... and hes supposed to stay with me... *sigh* my living quarters are the one part of my life that i have yet to begin getting in order, and as of right this second, all my ex's crap is still in my apartment. its not so much that the place is dirty [except for the kitchen, which is funny, because thats the one room in the place that i'm the most anal about], its more that its cluttered, and cramped, and feeling very alien to me because its supposed to be my space now, only its not quite yet... and i havent had anyone over except my best friend [well and my mom, to help me do some cleaning one weekend] simply because, well, i'm ashamed of the place. and i know she's the only person i know who wouldnt judge me because of it. i know, i know, i work full time, i go to school full time, and i have a kid. i dont have time for cleaning. but you know what? it may not be bad compared to some places, but to me its abysmal, and i dont want to subject anyone else to it. so cleaning is fast becoming one of my top priorities, second only to work, school, and my kid [i guess that makes it fourth... hmm]. and i'm thinking of getting my kiddo in on the cleaning action... heck, hes 5, its about time he learned how to pick stuff up and put it away properly.

but even all that isnt really bothering me much right now... this blissfully quiet and contented state is sticking around quite nicely, even with an in class essay looming above my head tonight, and homework waiting in the wings at lunch and when i get home. i love feeling like this :) i absolutely love it :) and i've been having the most wonderful day dream all morning... but i'll leave that for a later post ;) time to get back to work.