Three Posts In One Day

not quite a record mind you, but damned close, especially given how long i was MIA. this not being able to work thing is really getting on my nerves, and is generally pissing me off... turning my relatively good mood into a rather crappy one.

i feel like i'm wasting my time by showing up for work. and i dont like wasting my time.

so i went cruising the blog-verse, checking up on some blogs that i hadn't read in a long time, and came across one that really put me in a sad mood. a guy, spilling his heart out, about his failing marriage, and all the things he's doing to try and save it, but to no avail.

blah. damn me for reading it. now i feel even WORSE. *sigh*

when i get home, i am taking a long LONG bubble bath, and relaxing. i dont think my normal commute home to decompress is gonna work today... no matter how loud i turn up the metal.

plus i'm tired... i really need to get more sleep... but for the past two nights, i've been up late on the phone... because i really didnt wanna hang up... and i dont regret it either. its been a long time since i've had conversations like those... long, drawn out, in depth, who are you really, kind of conversations... laughing, teasing, goofing around, make you feel good about yourself, kind of conversations too... wish you could stay awake for days on end just so you didnt have to stop talking conversations... i'd forgotten how nice that is. hell, i'd forgotten those kinds of conversations even existed... hopefully i get to have another one tonite... tho, i do worry that i'll run out of things to say eventually... and well... that would just suck.

i mean... most of the conversations i've had lately are more like job interviews than anything else... and in a way, they were. people looking for relationships, and not having the time or energy to mess around with small talk, tend to be rather to the point in their conversations. i'm as guilty of it as anyone else. the typical conversation goes a bit like this:

random guy: hi, saw your profile. how are you?
me: okay, you?
random guy: fine. so what are you up to?
me: relaxing, you?
random guy: same. so what are you into?
me: i thought you said you read my profile?
random guy: oh right. so what are you looking for?
me: thats in my profile too.
random guy: oh. well i just saw your pic and wanted to get to know you better.
me: then you should have actually read the profile...
random guy: so you're single?
me: yeah
random guy: me too. wanna meet?
me (after checking profile, and seeing that random guy is way too old for me, and way too far away): uh... no thanks.
...and so on and so on...

so having phone calls like i've been having the past two nights... is just amazing in comparison. its great :) so i push myself to stay awake as long as i can... just to be able to keep talking that way... cuz it feels SO good to have someone be interested in whats inside my head, instead of just whats inside my jeans.

anyway... its finally late enough that i think i can sneak out of here without too much trouble... maybe i'll be able to get some work done tomorrow... niters ppl!

Not Allowed To Work

yes, you read that right. i am not allowed to work today.

this is hilarious actually... and i'm welcoming the break... but its still insanely stupid...

so my department is being restructured, and merged into a new organization. fine, fine, all well and good right? wrong. there have been a myriad of managerial mishaps [oooh that sounds cool... on a purely phonetic basis that is] along the way. for example -- not having job descriptions for new positions until after they've started the interview process. not having office space for new positions, but hiring them anyway. firing 1/3 the accounting staff [which were already each doing the jobs of two people] and refusing to hire replacements until AFTER the restructuring has been finished. and my latest favorite... [get this shit... omg its priceless]

transitioning the accounting system into the new organization, barring the accounting staff from having access because... [get this...] we're not technically part of the new organization yet. [ummmmmm yeah. that was smart, dontcha think??]

so now, i am literally unable to do my job. very very literally. i cant run financial reports. and if i cant run financial reports... i cant do anything else. because what i can do, is based purely on those financial reports! wow. so yeah. no one knows when this is going to get fixed...

and i swear to god... if they tell me "not until we've transitioned the accounting staff into the new organization and their new job descriptions" one more time, i am going to walk off the job. theres really only so much i can be expected to take you know? they're already asking me to do the work of 3 people... but now they're asking me to do the work of 3 people, without access to any of the things i need to do that work. [ummmm ooooooooookay... yeah. thats so gonna happen. NOT. ]

but yeah. so now i get to sit here on my ass and goof off all day... only stopping to answer my phone and say "i'm sorry, i can't do that for you right now because management has barred me from doing my job" and answer emails saying "i really wish i could help you out with that, but management has barred me from doing my job indefinitely. i'll get back to you when they're done fucking around." hahahahaha i'm so evil sometimes. [i really wouldnt say anything quite so crude in a work email... but a girl can fantasize cant she? *wink wink*]

so far, to make use of my time, i went and applied for 7 [yes SEVEN] jobs using that great cover letter that Melissa helped me out with... and then i started goofing off.

i wish it would hurry up and be tomorrow already... i've something i'm doing that i'm really really looking forward to... but i'm not gonna go into detail bout that, cuz the person i'm doing it with might be reading... hehe. [you know who you are]

so yeah... i'm bored shitless over here... wishing i could go home already... so it would be tomorrow sooner... and i could go have some fun :D i guess i'll go waste some time on Tribe... hopefully something interesting is going on over there. [cuz there sure as hell isnt anything interesting happening over here!!]

Dear Melissa...

I was thinking, that since Melissa was so kind to help me out with my resume cover letter... perhaps an advice column is in order...

kidding, kidding.

I really appreciate the advice I got, and it probably landed me a new job with a bigger paycheck.

I hope a percentage isnt expected in return!! lol.

Seriously... Thank you Melissa!

Oh yeah... check out her blog too... its damned good!

Death By Cover Letter

yeah, the title of this post pretty much sums it up. i hate writing cover letters. i hate having to try and sell myself, as if i'm a used fiat needing an owner. not to mention, i'm extremely BAD at writing cover letters. i never know what the fuck to say. it always ends up sounding so fake... like... fuck, i dont even know.

yes. i'm frustrated.

i've been trying to write this damned cover letter for weeks. WEEKS. and i havent gotten past the "to whom it may concern." i want to scream. i want to cry. hell, i have cried, and probably will again. i dont know why this is so hard for me. i really dont.

why do i make these things into such a big deal anyway? its just a stupid letter... why get all upset over it? well...

the thing is, i'm not upset that i have to write the letter. i'm upset that me, the writer, ms. eloquence herself, is at a complete loss for words. when the hell am i EVER at a loss for words? NEVER. i can always write something. always. but write a cover letter? i lose all ability to articulate.

does anyone else have this problem? or is it just me? I mean... could someone write this damned thing FOR me please??? cuz i cant do it. i just cant. i stare at the computer screen, and the emptyness of the page haunts me.

"to whom it may concern:

i cant write cover letters for shit, so here's a list of the things i'm good at. and dont ask me why i wanna work for your damned company, because really, i'm just looking for a bigger paycheck than the one i'm currently getting, and i dont care where it comes from.

thanks,
ms. eloquence herself

enclosure: list of things i'm good at -- aka, my resume"

do you think that would fly? probably not right? especially with the profanity in there huh? yeah i thought not... oh well.

seriously tho... anyone who's good at this... anyone who knows how to write a decent cover letter thats halfway generic (i'm applying for multiple positions within the same organization), yet still specific enough that it doesnt seem like a form letter... ANYONE. please.

HELP ME.

Dating Sucks [and not in the good way!]

yes, everyone says this, constantly. well, except for the rare few who actually enjoy not having someone to share their lives with... but they're nuts anyway, so i won't count them.

i am beyond frustrated with dating. its like, i can catagorize every man i meet into one of two "types", and none of them are what i really truly want.

type 1 -- whiny lil bitches. this type is made up of sub catagories, as follows:

A. carbon copies of my ex husband. this is a very scary catagory, because, well, one of him is more than enough for the world. one of him was more than enough for me, period. i dont need ANOTHER of him in my life [not romantically, i mean. guys like him make decent friends though] EVER. not to say that he's a bad guy... he's not. he's just not for me. at all. whatsoever. get me?

B. sex fiends. yes, who am i to judge, i know i know. but here's the thing. i admit fully to loving sex. but that's not all i want from someone. i want a relationship, to spend time just talking. i don't want a 3am booty call, i don't want a fuck friend, i dont want a bed buddy. i want a BOY FRIEND.

C. the "marry me now" type. these guys scare the shit out of me, because... well... they're actively looking for a WIFE. and i really dont plan on being one of those ever again... unless someone can really make it worth my while anyway... and i dont see that happening any time soon. i've got my one kid. i'm happy with him. i don't need more. i don't need a husband. i've had one of those, and one was enough for me (see above, type 1). half the time these guys are dudes from india or pakistan who seem to want greencards. dont get me wrong here. i don't have anything against dudes from india or pakistan. i just have a problem when they want to marry me for a greencard. [see, not a racist thing... an undue demand thing]

D. lolita complexes. what is a lolita complex? have you never read the book?? alright alright, for the record... men with lolita complexes are men who lust after girls young enough to be [or younger than -- EW] their daughters. i run away from these guys as fast as i can. they just make me think pedofile... and thats creepy as shit. yeah. really really creepy and gross too.

now...

type 2 [which i cant seem to find... ANYWHERE] is the sweet, funny, self sufficient, intelligent [yet not a genius], strong spirited, alpha male type...

where are all these men? i'm sorry, but the bay area is just full of whiny lil bitches... and i want a man, not a whiny lil bitch. if i wanted a whiny lil bitch, i'd go be a lesbian Dominatrix, and be done with it.

so... if you are reading this... and happen to be type 2... and are in the least bit interested... check out my personals profile

bleh... again... dating sucks... and really, not in the good way at all.

Concrete Prison

I’m tired of this concrete prison
The metal and glass
That keeps me jailed here
I long for softer things
The green of grass in spring
The smooth caress of a summer breeze
Beds of fallen autumn leaves
The cold sting of winter’s rain
We don’t feel these things
In our high-rise penitentaries
We live vicariously
Through plasma screen TV’s
And computer monitors
Watching others live the lives
We lack the bravery to lead
Doing the things we wish we could
But are too afraid to try
Instead we go from office buildings
To apartment buildings
Barely breathing between glass encasements
As if fresh air would harm us
Living in fear of the world around us...

Do we even wonder why?

SB7/2005

spam and ramen noodles

alright. i know i've been incommunicado for quite some time. and really you all who still stop by here to check up on me deserve more info than i currently have the opportunity to share. i'm back at work... yes... finally. yesterday was my first day back actually... and let me tell you... i have never had so much email in my inbox in my life. 4000 emails were waiting for me when i logged in [yes you read that right -- FOUR THOUSAND], 3000 of which were spam.

spam.

i hate spam. not the canned stuff, [that can be cool sometimes, you know, when you're dirt poor and need something to mix with your ramen noodles...] the "cram your email inbox full of ads inviting you to enlarge the penis you never had, and refinance the mortgage you have on your rat hole of an apt" type.

but yeah, so that left 1000 actual emails for me to deal with... wow. it took me from 8am to 3pm to sort through it all [not that i'm actually complaining, cuz that just means i didnt have to do any real work ;)].

oh, and i'm completely without yahoo at work now, thanks to whatever it is they did to the firewalls while i was gone. i cant even get the web messenger to connect. and forget about launchcast... that wont work either. so i'm relegated to "msn radio" [oh gag me] which plays the same 15 songs over and over all day long [please, even my home made mix cd's have more variety than that!] and has no chat option. dammit. i guess i'm just going to have to accomplish something instead of chatting all day. [unless i decide to just blog all day instead, and mess around on tribe.net -- which, by the way, this is also being simulcast on. yay me, i'm self-syndicated].

anywhich. i cant make heads or tails of what i'm supposed to be doing here at work now. they rearranged my workload, and so i dont even know who's funds i have anymore... dont know which professors i work for, or which grants administrators... and yet, they're all emailing me suddenly, asking for stuff. do i assume that the ones emailing are the ones i work for? or do i assume that due to lack of communication, those are the ones i DONT work for anymore, and ignore their emails? hmmm. food for thought.

yeah so... is it hard to believe that i was actually happy to come back to work? [i actually was... until i GOT here] eh. the people are kinda nice, and i have a better supervisor now [my old one quit, after fukking up my disability paperwork], and a better desk too! [one that people cant sneak up on me and spy on me at, so its easier to get away with goofing off... SWEET]

alright. i've had about enough of this for now. [i'm going back to tribe.net to see what all is happening in the onrunning "yo momma" joke on one of the tribes i subscribe to] i'll fill you all in a little better on the wheres, whys, and whatfors regarding my extended absence [blah, i'm back into work-speak mode already... lovely].

MIA

i know i've been MIA lately... and i will be for a while longer. i'm not sure how long. i'm not ready to go into detail yet, but i've been in the hospital for a little while, and now i'm going into an outpatient program.

physically i'm fine. no worries there. i'm not dying or anything like that.

i'll fill you all in when i'm up to it... right now battling with my HMO about getting them to authorize stuff is taking up all my energy.

alive and well... mostly anyway.

okay. so i'm alive still. and i'm well, for the most part anywho. the sore throat and cough are still with me, but i'm told those will linger a bit. i'm not all here mentally, but then, thats not really a new thing... its just slightly exacerbated by the headache created by the neverending cough from hell. ah yes, i am well enough to complain coherrently, therefore my complaints should justly be ignored and laughed at by those of you who realize just how whiny i'm really being.

i think i should be allowed to be whiny however. i have had just about the worst holiday ever. i mean, not in the history of history or anything, but the worst in my personal history at least.

i was right about how going on that NY trip was a bad idea. oh was i right. it started at 5 in the morning on the 22nd of dec, waking up and trying to drag myself and my son into my father's SUV with our luggage [i say luggage... most of you would look at it and wonder if we were even going somewhere overnight, let alone for a week... "luggage" for two people was one small suitcase -- carry on size, one backpack, and one messenger bag]. my son did quite well, what with not really being awake yet and all, it was me who was having the problem. i am not, i repeat NOT a morning person. and when morning comes before the sun does... i have serious issues. but, well, there wasnt really anything to be done about that, except grin and bear it, which i did, admirably despite the fact i was facing 9 hours without a cigarette in highly stressful environs.

highly stressful. HAH. that is the understatement of the year. overbooked flight, on which they decided to move my seat without consulting me so that i was no longer seated next to my 5 year old. um... I DONT FUKKING THINK SO. my 5 yr old is NOT sitting alone on a plane. so we had to fix THAT. which meant that we were like the last people to board the plane. just about anyway. which meant that the flight attendant had to kick people's stuff out of the overhead bin [dont know why people insist on putting their lame ass sweaters in the overhead bins when the flight is overbooked and there isnt enough room for all the damned luggage, but they do. idjits.] so i could put the small, yet surprisingly heavy, suitcase up there [no, it doesnt fit under the seat... blah]. of course, in the process of doing that i wrenched something in my back... that thing was REALLY heavy! soooooo... the flight was overbooked not just with people... but with screaming bratty little toddler types. now, i'm a mom, yes. i have a kid, yes. hes little, yes. but he has never, and i mean NEVER, been anything but the perfect traveller. his favorite thing to do on the plane? read the safety card thing from the seat back pocket. he doesnt scream. he doesnt cry. he doesnt make a fuss. he doesnt complain that he's bored. he only gets up when he has to "potty". he doesnt bother the people sitting next to us. in fact, hes such a good traveller that people are very often surprised to find out that he's been sitting behind them for 6 hours. so surprised that they SAY SO to me.

surprised plane passenger: "has he been back there the entire time??"
what i want to say: "no, he only got onboard about 3/4 the way through the flight -- of COURSE he has... here's your sign!"
what i actually say: "yep."
surprised plane passenger: "wow, i didnt even realize. hes so quiet!"
what i want to say: "no shit, or you wouldnt have asked if he was back there the entire time"
what i actually say: "yeah, hes a great traveller"

but yeah... so back to other people's demon spawn *ahem* i mean brats *cough cough* sorry, i mean kids. there was a veritable army of these screaming crying stinky obnoxious rude LOUD *ahem* --children-- on the plane. and none of their parents showed any capability of keeping them under control. i can only assume that these werent actually parents, but merely the visage of parents so as to allow the demons *ahem* i mean --kids-- to travel unhindered. and as i was stuck in the very last row of the plane... [you know, the one right next to the built in port-o-potty they call a "lavatory"] i got to experience the joys of interacting with them ALL on numerous occasions throughout the flight. i was kicked... touched with gooey fingers... stared at inquisitively... called a stupid head... and had the presence of my laptop thoroughly questioned by some bratty kid who could NOT fathom the idea that someone other than her father could POSSIBLY own a computer. by that point i just about screamed. and then there was the guy who spoke only german, who couldnt seem to keep ahold of his 3 year old, and kept hollering up and down the aisles in german for her to come back... this looked like a harmless game to anyone who didnt speak german... but for me... who understands a fair amount... well lets just say i saw it for what it was. a father's gross ineptitude to manage his child. the translation worked out to be approximately: "isabella... come here please? please come sit down? isabella? where did you go? please come sit with your mother... please?" ack. theres nothing that turns my stomach worse than a 6'6" 35 year old man beggging a 2.something foot tall 3 year old for her obeyance. i nearly grabbed him and told him to grow some balls and TELL her to come here now or he was gonna tan her hide. i mean, its not like anyone would have understood except for me, him, and the kid...

and then there was the turbulence. oy. have i ever mentioned that i get motion sick? no? oh... well i do. and there was turbulence. [i turned green, but controlled myself remarkably well. congratulate me.]

so we finally get to NY, and i finally get to have a smoke, and not only is there no snow, but its RAINING. well heck. but fine.

my grandparents house was just the same as always... except they re-did their driveway, but i didnt even notice it until they pointed it out...course, by that point i was starving cuz you know they dont actually feed you on planes... they just give you cardboard that looks like food... but yeah. my nana went all out for us kids... antipasto, roasted sausage onions peppers and potatoes, pasta and sauce... mmmmmmmmmmmm heaven. omg you have NOT eaten til you've had my nana's cooking. and i say this, me, who can cook better than oh, half the planet. [okay, maybe not half the planet. maybe more like three fourths the planet. lol kidding. really. but i am an awesome cook given half the chance.]

but thats where the good times stopped. the next day i hurt [thank you overheavy luggage in the overhead bin, and dragging it through two entire airports] and i felt like crap... so i stayed curled up in my grandparents tv room while everyone else went and got stuck in a flooded parkway for 3 hours on a trip to see my aunt. i'm glad i stayed put.

then xmas eve was a huge debaucle. my aunt... or rather i should say my older aunt... had a gigantic party at her house. we all went of course... but i didnt know 3/4 the people there because they were all relatives and friends of her boyfriend... who is a royal jerk. i met the guy for the first time while i was standing in my aunt's driveway smoking, respectfully a ways away from the house and any persons who might be offended by the smoke... when he drives up... and hollers at me from 20 feet away: "i'm John"
so i'm like: "i'm tess"
and he's all: "these are my slippers, not my shoes..."
[as if i care] i say: "they look warm"
upon our formal introduction, he says: "smoking's bad for you ya know"

no REALLY? i have NEVER heard that before! i mean... WOW! if only i had known that before i started... gee... thanks for telling me, i'm gonna quit right this second! *storms off in a mad fit*...

*storms back still in a mad fit* the NERVE of some people. i mean, i didnt comment on his crappy parking, or warn him that walking around outside in his PJ's is liable to get him the flu, or anything like that... who the hell is he to jump in and tell me anything about my health, or lack thereof? especially when he's known me all of oh, 30 fucking seconds. what a dipshit. and every single conversation i have with the guy after that revolves around how smoking is so bad for me and i need to quit. what the hell? i mean jeez... cant a girl go into the kitchen to grab a soda without her bad habits being rammed down her throat? apparently not around this dude. cuz he started in on me again, about how its my new years resolution to quit... when it is no such thing. i really really wanted to tell him to lay off about my bad habits since i'm not throwing his in his face... oh and whats his bad habit? RUBBING OTHER PEOPLE'S BAD HABITS IN THEIR FACES! yeah. um. i think everyone is happy i didnt say that... but it took a lot of will power to keep my mouth shut... especially after that cosmo that my dad made me. i swear my father tried to get me drunk in one drink. bleh. it was not my night.

xmas itself wasnt much better... another party, at another aunts house, with her sick 4 year old, and more people that i really dont know so well at all. i had too much wine on an empty stomach and ended up falling asleep on her couch. heh. tess the drunk. eh. at least the food was good.

the day after xmas... was just wrong all around. fights with my dad over plans that got messed up somehow... trip to the Met was cool... me and my sis wandered around by ourselves and saw all the cool stuff we wanted to see -- the china exhibit, the frank lloyd wright exhibit, the tiffany exibit, the french art deco exhibit -- without having to worry too much about kidlets cuz they took off with my dad... but after that, as mentioned earlier, we were taken on a bit of a hike through the city to see my dad's old highschool... just the outside... um. yeah. in the snow. i froze. i started coughing. my back started aching so bad i couldnt stand up straight. i got dizzy. and i couldnt get warm again once we got home. i lost my appetite almost completely, but forced myself to eat.

before going to bed, i checked my email... i shouldnt have. i got an email from "my" boy... saying that his mom was in the hospital again, and he wasnt going to come see me... and a lot of other stuff that basically amounted to a break up letter. needless to say i lost it... i mean... hyperventilating, tears, walking around aimlessly type of stuff... my sister didnt know what to do i think... she kept trying to make me laugh... but that just made it worse. because it wasnt my fault. it wasnt that he didnt like me, or didnt want me, it was that he DID... but because of all sorts of other shit going on, he couldnt handle it. he couldnt handle the idea of maybe possibly being happy. he didnt/doesnt think he deserves to be happy. he blames himself for all the shit going on... and in the process of being self destructive, he ended up destroying me too. i couldnt stop crying. i literally could not stop.

i couldnt sleep either... and ended up collapsing in a heap in bed shivering and shaking because apparently i had a fever of 104 and didnt realize it cuz i was so upset. i woke up shaking so bad that i could barely get out of bed fast enough to make it to the bathroom to throw up the last of whatever green thing i had eaten the night before... then i stumbled out to the kitchen to find ... i dont know what. i think i was delirious. oh right... something to drink so i could take some advil... then i basically crawled into the tv room and lived there for the next day or so. i couldnt move. i couldnt eat. i was dehydrated and delusional, hearing things that werent there, seeing things that werent there... and then i had to get up at 3am the next morning to get on a plane...

there really is nothing worse than having to endure a plane flight while suffering from a 103.5/104 fever... really.

and that... that was my "vacation" in new york. wow. um. i think i need a vacation after that vacation... oh right. i got one. i spent it on my couch. well some more stuff happened during those... 5 days? no... 7 days? [hell i dont even remember how long it was... lesse... 28th to the 2nd... yeah. 7 days.] anyway... i'll fill y'all in on that tomorrow cuz i've just spent my entire afternoon writing this. [yeah. way to make a fresh start at work huh?]

oh... made an appt with a shrink for tomorrow night after work... i figured its about time i go back on meds. i'm not dealing. i'm not handling. i'm not keeping it together. but we'll see.

my mommy is the bestest

my mommy called me on my birthday, and found out that i was miserably horribly ill. so you know what she does? she brings me gatorade and jello! i dont know about you people, but for me, those are the two things that i generally crave the most when i'm sick. she even brought me jello that had fruit all mixed in it... mmmmmmmmm yummy.

but yeah... so i'm finally feeling better. the fever is gone, and i'm thinking about eating real food instead of just liquid and semi liquid food... i hate the sloshy stomach feeling i get when all i've had is liquid food... bleh. i'm not quite my full self yet, but i'm getting there, and hopefully a new years eve of fondue and movies will put me back into full stride.

so happy new years to everyone... heres to a better one than the last.

happy birthday to me

well... today i turn 26. today is also the first birthday i have ever spent alone. i have the flu, and am being passively quarantined by my friends. i.e. none of them are coming to see me, and they have all shunned the idea of taking me out... probably a good idea since i'm sniffling and suffering from chills and aches and pains and am generally pretty damned whiny. thank god i dont have to be back at work til the 3rd of january, so i'm not cutting into any sick leave or anything...

my trip to NY was hellish, as predicted. i got sick there, after being subjected to night after night of awkward holiday parties full of people that i dont know, have never met before, and dont ever care to see again. actually, i think what really did it was going to NYC in 20 degree weather, in clothing that wasnt quite warm enough, and be dragged all over the place in the snow despite the fact that my nose was going to fall off due to frostbite, and my fingers had frozen solid curled into claws. me, being the loving mother that i am, had given my gloves to my son because his hands were cold... and i'd made sure he was bundled up as well as possible, but forgotten about myself in the mix. and let me tell you, a leather jacket is just not enough against 20mph winds in the snow. so now i'm miserably ill. and there is nothing worse than spending 6 hours on an overbooked flight at 6:30am when you've got a fever of 103.5, and you're not allowed to smoke. thats what i did yesterday.

today... today has been spent on my couch. alternating between chills and hot flashes... shivering and sweating... and wishing that whoever stuck that knitting needle in my ear would have shoved it in far enough to pierce my brain and kill me, instead of stopping at puncturing my ear drum and causing me massive amounts of pain. but i'm finally getting an appetite back, so i suppose thats a good sign... in a little bit i might actually find the strength to take a bath.

so happy birthday to me.

anyone need a gmail account?

okay... one last post...

gmail has given me 4 invites to send away... if you want one, let me know.

going on "vacation"

alright people. this is likely to be my last post until after xmas, if not new years.

i'd like to say i'm leaving for my NY trip in a good mood with a positive outlook, but that would be a blatant lie. i am miserable. i am dreading this trip.

then theres the fact that i haven't heard from my boy in 2 days, and he'd promised to call me but didnt, and isnt returning my calls or answering his phone. i keep hoping that he just lost it again. but i have a deep seated fear that that isnt the case, and i cant seem to shake it.

i realize that its the holiday season, and that i'm ultra stressed out, and that i'm probably carrying that stress over into my relationship. but i cant help it. deep down i'm really insecure. i dont feel like i'm worthy of his attentions. i dont feel like i'm worthy of his time. and i keep thinking he's realized it. especially given a conversation we had the last time we talked that i wont go into here. i'm scared. beyond scared. terrified. but theres nothing i can do about that except keep trying to get ahold of him.

i'll try to post something to let you all know if anything happens with that over xmas... i may have limited internet access, or i may not. in any case, i'll be writing posts and saving them until i can post them. keep an eye out, theres likely to be some pretty hilarious stories.

how i feel sometimes...

Nobody's Home
by Avril lavigne

I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again

What's wrong, what's wrong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

(Chorus)
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reason why
You've been rejected
And now you can't find
what you left behind.

Be strong, be strong now
Too many too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

(Repeat Chorus)

Her feeling she hides
Her dream she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place

(Repeat Chorus)

She's lost inside, lost inside
She's lost inside, lost inside
-----------

i'll be the first to tell you that love does not solve everything. it doesnt take the world away. and sometimes... sometimes you just end up feeling weaker for it.

and i do right now. i feel weak. helpless. lost.

Launch is determined to make me cry...

... at my desk no less... fukkers... ever since i got to work, every song they've played is one that is ultra meaningful to me, and has brought me to the brink of tears numerous times over. for example, they played "boulevard of broken dreams" [thats Green Day people] and then immediately played the Goo Goo Dolls remake of "give a little bit"... both songs make me ultra sad. and right now, well i just cant handle it. i have a little over 36 hours before my hellish journey back home for xmas begins... and i dont wanna go. its too much work. its too much hassle. and goddammit if my father didnt make the plane rez for the EARLIEST FUCKING FLIGHT he could find. i do no relish having to wake up at 4am just to try to get to the airport and deal with crowds of other people who woke up at 4am to get to the airport, and inept security guards, and screeners, and idiots who cant control their kids, and not being able to smoke, basically for 10 goddamned hours straight because once you get past security that once, you cant really leave or you have to stand in line for ANOTHER 2 hours just to get back in, and there arent any fucking smoking sections inside the airport *cries miserably* why oh why did i agree to go on this godforsaken trip?? oh yeah... cuz my grandparents are old and sick and deserve to see my son whenever humanly possible... *sigh* the hell i put myself through for the benefit of other people.

the sad thing is i used to love to travel. actually, i still love to travel. just not with anyone i'm related to. except my sister, but she doesnt count because she's too cool to actually be a part of my family. i think she got switched at birth or something... except she looks more like my mom than i do... so maybe its me that got switched at birth.

and i havent finished my xmas shopping. and i have to clean out my fridge. and i havent finished my laundry. and i havent packed yet. and i have way too much to do at work to get ready for the vacation days i'm taking [that i cant actually afford because i have no fukking vacation, so i have to take leave without pay] and i'm going to be stranded in NY with no internet access [eventhough i'll have my laptop] for a week. and i have to vaccuum still. and i need to pick up a perscription, but i forgot to call it in to be refilled, and i didnt bring the stupid thing with me to work so i cant do that from here. and i have to deposit some checks so i dont go broke while i'm in NY, and i can afford to go grocery shopping when i finally get home. and i have to take out my trash. and i have to beg my apt manager to get my mail for me while i'm gone. and and and *sobs in frustration*

and then theres all the emotional shit that i'm going through...

divorce papers need to be served and signed. custody needs to be agreed on. but thats all up in the air cuz no one knows where my ex will be living in 2 months.

and my army boy is coming to visit again directly after i get home from NY, and i want things to be perfect for him cuz he deserves it. he's dealing with stuff that i wish i could help with... that i desperately want to find a way to help with, but i dont know how. i mean, how do i help the fact that the army might stop loss him before he can get out of the army, and send him back to iraq for another year? how do i help the fact that his parents are old, and sick, and need help, but in order for him to help them, he has to put his entire life on hold? how do i help that in order for him to get the $$ to be able to take care of them, he has to take a job as one of those private contracted security people in the middle east? how do i help that he feels like he needs to take care of everyone and everything, no matter how it affects him? how do i help the fact that because of all that stuff, he feels like he's doing me a disservice? he doesnt believe me when i tell him he's not. he doesnt get that his willingness to do all those things is one of the things that i admire about him. he doesnt understand how rare it is for someone to care so much for their parents, and want to take care of them that way. he doesnt understand that i'm willing to go through hell with him, and help him do those things, because i see how important it is to him. of course, i've discovered that he gets the "what if's" worse than i do... can you believe it? i mean wow... cuz i'm really bad about those... and he blows me outta the water. i worry about absolutely nothing in comparison to the roads that his mind goes down... but i like that too. partially cuz it makes me feel normal, and partially cuz it shows that he's one of the few people out there in the world who actually gives a shit to the point that they'll worry. and i'm in there in those what ifs. and that makes me feel really good, that he cares enough about me to worry... even if some of the things hes worrying about are pretty silly [some of them arent... but a lot of them are, just because he doesnt understand just how much i care for him].

and i have to register for next semester's classes after i get back, but i havent finished paying for LAST semester's classes yet [stupid mid semester tuition increases... dag nabbit... fuck arnold for pulling education funding. just fuck him].

then its my birthday soon... and we know i'm so looking forward to that... *sigh* another year older, not that the guy carding me for my smokes is gonna give a shit... he still is convinced i'm like 16 or some shit like that. would someone please explain to him that it is almost medically impossible for a 16 yr old to have a 6 year old son?? this whole looking 10 years younger than i really am is getting really old really quick. if i were 40, fine, great. let me look 30. but i'm 25. i work full time. i'm a mom. I want to be seen as the responsible adult that i am, not treated like a teenager with a fake ID!!

and my mother is going through menopause and going completely and totally PSYCHOTIC about the stupidest shit... i was at her place this weekend with my son, and OH MY GOD. i mean she just couldnt shut up about everything that was wrong with everything. i smelled like smoke. [shock of shocks. i'm a fukkin smoker. no shit imma smell like smoke] and not only did i smell like smoke, but i smelled like smoke so much that she wouldnt HUG ME. i let my son have a soda, a non-caffinated soda, and mom throws a fit saying how soda is bad, soda is horrible, soda has sugar in it, blah blah blah. she even forbade my sister from using a certain hand lotion because mom cant stand the smell of it... even though --I-- cant smell it at all... argh. i know it doesnt sound like much... but the entire day was full of things like this. bitching that an old boyfriend of hers called her on her 50th birthday to wish her well, and tell her that their old favorite restaurant was closing... i mean wow. thats something that i would find incredibly sweet and touching, that he would think about her after all this time... but no... mom was ANGRY about it... weird shit man. and its just hard to take a whole day of that. i understand that shes going through weird hormonal shifts, but even the most understanding only goes so far when you end up being a target [which i was several times]. i've never been more miserable seeing my mom.

and here i am sitting at work, trying desperately to fight off the nervous breakdown that's pressing firmly against the wall i've built up around it in my head. drowning in work that i cant focus on to save my life. everything needs to get done before i leave tomorrow... and two days isnt enough to take care of everything. its not even enough time to take care of one tenth of everything. and deadlines are coming up. and theres so many things i'm going to have to take care of when i get back from vacation... my god.

stepping in front of the train on my way home is starting to look even more appealing than it used to. i wish i could just put an end to all this SHIT in my life. i wish i could just go back to being a kid, when everything was taken care of for me, and all i had to do was what i was told to do. i would give anything to be able to go back to that right now. i'm tired of being an adult. i'm tired of having to carry everything on my shoulders. i'm tried of having to be the one to fix everything, and take care of everyone. i'm tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong. i'm tired. so tired. i'm tired of coming last. i'm tired of not mattering. i'm tired of being here. here... this world. this life. this body. [oh fuck, evanescence "my immortal" is on launch now... i'm screwed... just fukkin screwed]

i wish to god i just had someone to tell me what to do. to just take over everything and tell me every morning when i get up what i need to do that day. and you know its funny... cuz my parents try to run my life... but not the way i want... they just tell me what i'm doing wrong. and what i should do instead. but they dont tell me HOW. they dont break it down for me. at this point, i'd be willing to do whatever the hell they said, if they could just break it down for me... "monday, do this and this. tuesday do that and the other thing. wednesday do x y and z". cuz i just cant fukkin focus anymore.

i think i need to see a shrink. i think i need to get on meds for the ADD. i think i need to get back on meds for the manic depression. i dont know. i dont want to do either. i dont like the way meds make me. i dont like who i become. but i need to get my life in order, and i dont fukkin know how, and i cant focus to save my life. i cant think straight. i cant pin down my thoughts unless i'm pouring them out like this... all jumbled and rambling... and even then they dont make much sense to me... its like once they're on screen, or paper, they belong to someone else, and i cant relate to them anymore.

can someone just tell me what i'm supposed to do? please? i'll do whatever... honest i will... just tell me what... *puts her head down on her desk and tries not to cry too loud*

dont we all feel safe flying this holiday season?

well, i dont know about anyone else, but i'm headed back east to see my relatives this xmas. i'm supposed to fly from SFO to Newark... but i'm thinking of changing my flight plan because of this article that tells us how Newark Airport screeners 1) LOST a bag full of fake explosives during a TSA test. and 2) missed 1 in 4 test explosives and weapons in undercover tests this past summer. um... HELLO???

WHAT IF THEY HADNT BEEN FAKE, OR TESTS???

gads! the negligence, the carelessness, the incompetence... oh yeah, and you wanna know how they lost that bag of "fake explosives" ?? get this... they LOADED IT ONTO A PLANE !!!

i am now officially afraid to travel. not because of terrorists. terrorists dont bug me. but because if we cant even figure out NOT TO LOAD A BAG OF BOMBS on a plane, how smart can we really be? and if we're that stupid... we have no business ferrying people all over the world in vehicles that, by sheer luck, defy gravity. [oh dont give me that physics crap about airflow and lift... its luck dammit. sheer fucking luck that we dont all plummet outta the sky in those iron birds]. i mean, if they cant remember not to load a bag of bombs on a plane, will they rememeber to refuel it? will they remember to de-ice the wings? will they remember to lock the doors? will they remember to patch that hole in the oil line? or to double check the hydraulics on the landing gear? will they?? I DONT THINK SO.

idiots... complete and total idiots... and i'm supposed to trust my life to these fools... right...

*storms off in a huff*

management sanctioned activities which preclude the actual accomplishment of anything work related -- revisited.

okay... so this morning was my office's typical monthly meeting. i'm used to these basically being an hour long break where i get to sit on my ass and do absolutely nothing except tune out whatever i'm being droned on at about. however... this morning's meeting was a little different. it was [oh this is classic] a meeting about [dramatic pause] meetings. [yeah, you read that right. i was just as shocked.] yes. we had a meeting about how our meetings next year were going to work. and not only did we have a meeting about it, but we had and hour and a half long meeting about it. [!?!]

right about now i'll bet you're thinking "what? a meeting about meetings? how inept are the managers there?" well i'll tell you. they are so inept that my office manager [thats my boss's boss, for those who dont get the bureaucratic structure around here] had to make a list on a white board of OUR ideas of what a "good meeting" and a "bad meeting" were. [i was shocked and appalled. i mean i knew she was incompetent, but i didn't think she was THAT incompetent]. the really sad thing about it is, this was sorely needed. our staff meetings are pointless and boring, and generally have nothing to do with anything that affects us as a group, and generally singles out issues that individuals are having that none of us have need to even think about let alone deal with. [and that, my friends, didnt end up on the "bad meeting" list until I PUT IT THERE MYSELF]

my office is so bad off, that we had to SET GROUND RULES for said meetings, and determine that there should be an agenda circulated beforehand, and say that there needs to be a specific reason for the meeting or not have one at all... i mean, isnt this common sense? why the heck call a one hour meeting if you dont have anything to talk about? [oh wait. this is a government organization we're talking about here. sorry. my bad.] oh yeah, we're also so bad off that part of the ground rules had to be "be respectful" and "dont interrupt people" [erm, what the fuck, is this KINDERGARTEN?]

maybe its just me, but i thought that the way meetings worked was as follows:
1. manager decides theres something their staff needs to know, or theres a problem that needs to be solved.
2. manager calls a meeting to discuss said issues.
3. staff shows up and listens.
4. after the manager (or their alloted spokesperson) is through, staff gets to ask questions.
5. meeting done.

and the whole thing is handled in an adult, professional manner, with no screaming, no yelling, no calling names... i mean hell, thats what grown ups do in an office environment right? act like adults? be professional in group settings? [i know they dont act professionally in personal, or relatively private settings... we're all human... and we all need our bitch sessions].

the funny thing is that the younger staff in my office gets this concept, and through the entire meeting we were looking at each other like we'd suddenly been transported to mars and our supervisors had been replaced by radioactive venutians or something. it was the older crowd that needed this "tutorial in meeting ettiquette". in fact, it was our office manager who needed it the most, and she was the one leading the stupid meeting!!

so yes, this was a royal waste of my time, and my energy, and i should have just skipped the whole thing and suffered the consequences [my boss going "why weren't you at the meeting this morning?" me saying "because i assumed it would be pointless and a waste of my time as usual" her saying "oh, well, you should have been there anyway" and me wondering why...]. but no, i'm non confrontational like that. ah well.

so yeah, that about killed my morning. havent a clue what i'm gonna do now... its a half hour til lunch time, and everything i've got to do will take longer than that, and i dont want to have to stop in the middle of something, because then i'll forget where i was when i get back to my desk... bleh. what a waste of time. well... maybe it wasnt a waste of time for the supervisors, ad they learned what a meeting was supposed to be like... but me, well, somehow i dont think its my job to have to teach them. at least, its not on my official job description, which of course doesnt cover half of what i do on a daily basis... [yeah. i should get that looked into. i think i'm due for a re-class, or at the very least, a raise.]

ah well... more later... i'm going to go waste half an hour.

sicker than sick *cough cough* but posting anyway

okay... so i promised more details... only i havent posted in the past few days cuz as soon as my boy went home, i got drastically ill. [something about a viral sinus infection and subsequent bronchitis] so i've been doped up on narcotics for the past two days [and am even still quite loopy, so pardon if this post makes less sense than usual] with no immediate end of that in sight.

so yeah... i think my accounts of thursday and friday were about as detailed as need be, cuz otherwise i might just give you all too much information... and while some of you wouldnt object, some of you would, and well, i'm doin my best to keep everyone happy here...

saturday was just as wonderful as thursday night and friday, perhaps even more so, if simpler. waking up with his arm around me is... heaven, and oh so right. all i could do was snuggle closer and be happy that there was no alarm to wake me up as i drifted back to sleep with his breath against my ear, his heart beat against my back... eventually we did wake up, and went and curled up on the couch to watch movies on tv while he forced me to do my homework. angel that he is, went out and brought me back breakfast... that was so sweet... necessary, as i [oh the ever prepared one that i am] hadn't gone grocery shopping in weeks and the only edible things in my fridge were a block of cheese, some pickles, and a bottle of ranch dressing, [yes, that officially makes me a bachelorette...in practice anyway, if not on paper quite yet.] but incredibly sweet :) after breakfast, i went back to working [he made me... i didnt want to, but he told me that if i didnt, he wouldnt... um... nevermind *blush*] and he fell asleep with his head in my lap... so i stopped working for a little while and just watched him. he looks just like a little boy when he's asleep like that... so peaceful, so pure... *sighs wistfully* when i finally finished working [he distracted me some *ahem*] we went and got some dvds, and chinese takeout, and curled up together and watched movies. i havent been that relaxed in ages and ages. leaning back against his chest, his legs tangled in mine, his arms across my chest, our fingers laced together... my god. we fit perfectly together, like god [or whoever] made us for eachother. i drifted in and out of sleep like that... missed most of the end of the movie we were watching, but thats quite alright with me... until he coaxed me into bed and i got to fall asleep with my head on his chest.

Sunday was bliss again, waking up with him curled around me... i have never felt so safe in my life... and we stayed in bed for quite a while after we both woke up *ahem* [details omitted again... sorry ppl...] then crawled out of bed to watch the dvd's that we didnt get to the night before [which got interrupted... *ahem*... oh darn *wink wink*]. sunday was cut short unfortunately, because he was going to stay til monday morning... but he got a phone call from a friend who was frantic cuz his mom was in the hospital... so my boy asks me if its alright if he leaves early to go be with his friend. can you believe that? he asked permission to leave!?! my jaw dropped on that one... i mean gosh... thats adorably sweet, but totally unnecessary... besides, what was i going to say? "no, you're not allowed to go be with your friend who's mom is in a coma, you have to stay here and watch me do homework" ??? well of course i'm not gonna say that... so i said yeah it was alright... and he thanked me over and over for understanding... which made me feel awkward cuz i really didnt think i was doing anything overly special, just being the normal me... although as i was getting my bear hug goodbye i couldnt stop myself from saying that i didnt want him to go [i didnt cry. i promised myself i wouldnt cry as he left. and i didnt.], and he said he didnt want to go either [it was really hard not to cry dammit]... and i kissed him good bye... and watched him drive away... then immediately went upstairs, crawled into my bed where i could still smell him, and cried my eyes out for a good hour. [hey, i said i promised not to cry AS he left, not AFTER he left]. in fact, i spent most of the afternoon in tears... happy ones and "missing him" ones all mixed together... until i decided that that wasnt doing me any good, and i needed to get out. so i called up a friend that i knew was desperate for details, and took her to dinner. after which i commenced coming down with this head/chest cold full force.

so i havent been at work for the past two days... and while i'm in the office today, i'm not exactly all here. i havent been able to convince myself to change my sheets yet either, cuz the pillows still slightly smell like him, and i cant bear the thought of washing that away... cuz if i hold them tight enough, and close my eyes, its almost like he's there again...

i thought this long distance thing would be easy. i really thought it would be. i've done long distance relationships enough in my life, and not had a problem, that i thought this would be a piece of cake, that i would be fine when he left, that i would be fine with him not near me, just like i was fine with all the other LDR's i've ever had. but its not easy, and i wasnt fine when he left, and i'm not fine with him not near me. thank god he's coming back on the 28th and staying through new years. after that though... i dont know when i'll get to see him again, and even now i'm dreading him leaving to go back to base. *pause to go find tissues and convince myself not to cry AGAIN*

i've just never experienced this before... this intensity of emotion... and i finally understand the whole "passion is pain" concept... and the jealousy concept too. i never understood jealousy before. i guess maybe i just didnt have anyone or anything worth being jealous about. but i do now. and wow. who knew?

anyway... i'm going to go try to do a little bit of work... damned narcotics making me sleepy... doc warned me about that, but regular cough syrup doesnt do shit for this cough, so i've just gotta suffer i spose. i could really use a hug right now... *sigh*

so i lied

yes... brutally honest me lied. i said i wouldnt post this weekend. but my boy is in the shower and i've got 15 minutes to kill... and i'm so insanely happy that i just had to tell you all about it.

i have never ever EVER been happier. not in this life, and not in any past life either [if you believe in them -- i do].

he showed up thursday and the moment he was here all my stupid irrational fears went *poof* and all i could do was hug him... and have him hug me back... for a while anyway... oh my god. i was meant for this man. i was made for him. every last piece of me was made to fit only him, to hold only him, to be with only him, to love only him.

he does things to me that no one else has ever been able to do [no dammit, i am NOT going to go into detail here], makes me feel things that no one else has ever been able to make me feel... i feel safe, and truly happy, and totally and completely loved and accepted, and i feel beautiful. [for the record, i have never felt those things ever]. it feels so right just being in his arms... my head fits just under his chin, like its supposed to. and i would be happy forever if all he did was hold me. but thats not all he does. he opens doors, and takes me out, and does everything in his power to make me happy, eventhough just being with him makes me happy and i dont need anything more than that.

yesterday he drove me to work... then took me to my office xmas party... which we left early because well, it was boring, and all i could focus on was him anyway... so we drove up the coast to jenner and had dinner in this awesome little restaurant/bed and breakfast place... so romantic... watching the sunset from the window, looking out over the beach with the waves crashing soooo hard... and he loved it. finally, a man who LIKES that kind of thing. i dont know if you have any idea how surprising that is for me... but to find a guy who has a love of the natural world like that... just like i do... i wanted to cry i was so happy. and i still am that happy, and i'm trying desperately not to cry right now from being so fucking happy. so happy it HURTS. so happy i dont know how my heart can hold it all. so in love i feel like i'm going to burst...

i cant stop smiling, i cant stop laughing, i cant stop feeling WONDERFUL.

and the best thing... hes not perfect. i know hes not perfect. but hes perfect for me. and i love him with every ounce of me. and the feeling is mutual.

[a more detailed account of the weekend will follow once i have more time. i promise]

two candycanes and a half pack of cigs later...

i've got santana going on the web radio, i appeased my nerves with sugar and nicotine, and i just got an email from my office manager saying that tomorrow we all get to go home early, with pay. WOOHOO!

needless to say i'm in a much much better mood.

odd thing about the candy canes... i hate peppermint. it generally just turns my stomach and makes me queasy. dont even ask me why i decided to eat one today. they were there, and taking one seemed the thing to do. and after taking one, well you cant just leave them lying on your desk now can you, so... *shrug* and you know what? it was suprisingly relaxing. well, that and the fact that i've gone through a half pack of cigs in ohhhhh 5 hours. maybe its not the candy canes afterall.

but yes... i love getting time off with pay, without having to use my vacation leave, or my sick leave, of which i currently have nil thanks to winter break. blah. stupid having to take leave without pay to go on family trips back east. sure, i get more vacation time then most, but hey that doesnt mean that i dont want a little extra every now and again. but anyway, i'm not gonna be looking THAT gift horse in the mouth. my boy will be here, and i fully intend on skipping out on the office xmas party quite early so i can go home and take full advantage of his presence *grin*

yes! i am getting over my nervousness! i mean, i'm still nervous as hell, but hey, i'm sure he is too... and hes gotta drive all the way up here... and wait for me to get home... and that must be sheer torture. so i guess i've got it pretty good. after all, i've got blogger to vent all my fears and frustrations to.

although... i still have all that laundry to fold... ugh. but something makes me think we're not gonna be needing the couch tonite *wink wink*

ah... only an hour more of work to go, then i get to go to class and pretend to pay attention until he gives us the assignment for next week... and then i'm outta there.

6 and a half hours til he's here! *jumps up and down excitedly -- then turns a little green* ummm... okay... so jumping is probably not a good idea right now...

scared sh*tless

omg. he'll be here tonite. omg. i was awake all night cleaning my apartment. omg. its still not clean enough for my liking. omg. i woke up this morning and immediately threw up. omg. i have never been this nervous in my life. omg. i had to call in late for work cuz i couldnt control the dry heaves. OMG. i cleaned more inbetween episodes of extreme nausea. i vaccumed everything TWICE. omg. i scrubbed the little metal things under the burners on the stove. omg. i still havent folded my laundry yet. OMG. he better not dare look in my closets!! omg. i'm literally panicking.

how the fuk am i supposed to work like this? how am i supposed to go to class like this? how am i supposed to bring myself to open the door tonight? i'm so scared.

he laughed at me on the phone last night because he could hear how nervous i was. because i was so nervous i was talking in circles. because i was so nervous that my voice was trembling. because he thought it was incredibly cute. because he's nervous too. but i'm more than nervous. i'm terrified. all the what if's keep running through my head. dear god someone make them stop. someone PLEASE make them stop.

my hands are shaking as i'm typing this. OMG i've only got 10 hours before he's here. i feel like someone dropped a ton of bricks on my chest. breathing takes effort. oh oh panic attacks are so much fun. not. gads.

if you dont see anything from me this weekend, i'm either having the time of my life, or i've died from a heart attack. either way.

i cant wait the 10 hours. but they also dont seem quite long enough. its like time is speeding forward and yet standing still all at the same time. my head is spinning. i'm dizzy. i'm queasy still. ACK.

those damned what if's will be the death of me i swear to god they will.

anyone got a valium or 10? i could use a few right now. if ya do, email them to me asap. thanks.

deceit and duplicity

Parental Discretion Advised -- this post contains excessive profanity. please read at your own risk.

alright... so yesterday bit seriously.

first that dream, which just put a fukt up spin on everything, then i was late for work, then work itself [which is never particularly pleasant, but i think my boss is PMSing or something gads], then class ugh. i have so much shit to do and i'm beyond lost. i think i'm royally fukt in the whole education area. unless i can figure out a way to do 11 assignments in a week AND study for two finals, as well as spend time with my boy this weekend. I actually had to talk to a prof about the best way to pull up my grade [thus 11 assignments instead of the original 8 i had planned on *wimpers*]. then i get home and experienced another episode in a growing epidemic that is rather starting to piss me off.

as i've said before, most of my friends are male. or at least, thats the way it used to be until my army boy got home. now that he's home, and its obvious that i'm beyond smitten, and that feeling is being reciprocated, i've had a steady string of my best male friends say "well, you dont need me anymore. have a nice life." and my not so close male friends have just stopped talking to me period, with no explanation. last nite was particularly disturbing because i'm sitting there trying desperately to make sense of the research i was attempting to do [so i dont fail my final project for english], and i saw my absolute closest guy friend online... so of course, i take 5 seconds to say hi cuz i havent talked to him in a couple days. i, of course, am a bit sarcastic [what?? me?? sarcastic?? no fukkin way... you're shitting me right?] and make some sort of joke about his status message [yeah i'm a geek, and do like 90% of my communication with people via email or Yahoo IM. sorry for being too busy to have a social life]. my little joke was met with the coldest fukkin shoulder i have ever gotten from anyone... and basically amounted to "oh, so you've finally decided to talk to me now huh?" well i'm suprised u know, cuz its not like he tried to get ahold of me at all lately... dudes got a phone, dudes got email, dudes got yahoo... its not like i've fallen off the face of the earth or anything. so he's pissed off cuz i havent talked to him more than 3 times in the past 2 weeks. well dang. you know, finals are a pain in the ass and a girl's gotta study and shit, then the whole boyfriend getting back home thing and needing to pay attention to him [and of course needing to have him pay attention to me -- which he does amazingly well omg *drools*], not to mention like, oh, normal life shit dealing with kid and ex and work and all that... i've been BUSY right? [not too busy to blog of course, but hey... i gotta vent somewhere] you'd think this all would be a good reason for not calling someone... i mean, if someone told me all that i'd be like "oh hey, no problem. i'll letcha get back to it, and gimme a call when ya finally get a chance to breathe!" but of course, i'd have already called them to oh, you know, see if they were okay and shit like that.

so i'm the bad guy here. i didnt call, i didnt email, i didnt IM. and he got his panties in a bunch about it because apparently he broke up with his girlfriend while i was busy being happy [i'm assuming he got pissed that i was happy when he wasnt. dude is melodramatic like that]. and i'm supposed to know that happened how? i mean gosh, the last time i talked to him, he didnt say anything, and he didnt call me to tell me... but no, he got mad at me for not fukking being psychic [i'm psychO not psychIC, get it right people] so mad actually that he told me that i dont have to worry about calling him anymore cuz he's "done" [whatever the fuk that means -- i swear this boy is worse than a woman. damn], and that i dont need him anymore [again, what? why wouldnt i need a good friend still?], and that i should "enjoy" [enjoy??? what in the hell? i'm so fukkin confused... damn you men for not saying what the fuk you mean!] thats about where the conversation ended with a very curt "goodbye tess" [i have left some stuff out... cuz it didnt make ANY sense to me AT ALL, and it got a little jumbled in there for a while with me being confused and telling him to talk to me like i'm friggin 5 cuz i wasnt getting what the hell he was saying] that came off as a "bye. have a nice life."

but this is a growing trend. and its really starting to seem like my guy friends were only my friends in the hopes of getting in my jeans... cuz i mean gosh, if you look at the above conversation... sounds like a jilted boyfriend kinda thing to do right? "oh well you've got someone now, you dont need me anymore" ummmmmm. okay. we all knew where my heart has been. no surprises here. and having a boyfriend who's actually gonna be around for a little while makes me not need friends WHY? [oh right, cuz theres no chance for those friends to sleep with me now. well hey. woulda been nice for me to know the rules before hand. cuz then i wouldnt have bothered. fukkers *scowls*]

anyway... so that was guy friend number three to pull this same kinda shit in the past week. and you know what? i actually feel used. and dirty. and like a piece of meat. i mean, the impression i get is that they were only hanging around in the hopes that i'd get my heart broken and come looking for someone to fuck me happy again. how... how... duplicitous! god i mean what on earth does that say about what they think of me? what kind of image must i portray? do i come off as a slut or something? or easy? or that i dont value friendship more than i value "make me feel better" sex? damn. i dunno. it bites. and no offense to the guys reading this... but you know what? men SUCK ASS. i'm keeping the angel i've got, and the rest of y'all can just ROT for all i care. i'm done havin y'all as close friends too [with one exception, because i know for damned sure hes not trying to get in my pants, and hes actually been genuinely happy that i'm happy instead of acting like a jealous little BITCH like the rest of the guys i know]. so what if women and me dont usually get along real well. i'd rather deal with their shit [which actually makes sense to me most of the time even if it is stupid and petty. at least it isnt this manipulative "i'm only friends with you cuz i want to fuck you" shit] than deal with THIS anymore.

[yeah, if you didnt notice, i'm MAD. seriously.]

sleep deprivation and foreshadowed events

well, i dont have much to say today... i was up WAY too late on the phone with my army boy [hmm i'm going to have to figure out what to call him once he's finally out of the army... eh we'll see] last night. we talked for over 5 hours. [yeah wow thats a long time] it was like 2:30 before we got off the phone, and i went to bed.

i paid for it this morning [yeah, yeah, i'm old. shaddup!!] and ended up having to call in late for work so i could sleep in a bit and catch up. this being on the phone for hours and hours and hours thing is great, and i dont wanna stop [gawd i love talking to him] but ugh i'm not as young as i used to be. i cant stay awake for 72 hrs straight anymore... at least, not without the assistance of a LOT of caffiene.

i ended up having a semi-disturbing dream this morning while i was busy sleeping through my alarm... its kind of haunting me because it was so vivid, and those ones lately have been indicative of actual events to come... and its really not something i want to have to deal with... let me explain.

i have some scars that i dont like to have to try to explain to anyone. most of the time i dont have to worry about it because they're in a place that very few people have ever gotten the chance to see or touch. generally only someone that i'm intimate with will ever even know they're there. i've told my army boy that i have scars, but i havent said where, or anything like that...

so in my dream, my army boy and i were... well... intimate... and he found them... and just kind of looked at me strangely and said "tess*... ?" and before he could actually ask, i cut him off and reminded him that i said i had scars... and he asked what they were from, looking really really concerned... and i said "it doesnt matter right now"... and woke up to my alarm blaring at me that i was an hour late in getting up [note: this is the extremely short version of the dream, and paraphrased, with the first oh... hour or so cut out. y'all dont need to know that much about me. really you dont.].

now, okay, that didnt sound so much like a strange dream... but to me it was unsettling. again, because it was so vivid, so real, and those ones are usually dead on for something thats actually going to happen. unless i can do something that keeps it from happening that is. which i'm sure, in this case i can... but i really dont want to have to go there. i dont want pity, i dont want concern. i just want it to be ignored and treated with the merit it deserves -- none. yes, bad shit happened to me. but that doesnt mean i wanna talk about it, or re-live it. and i definitely dont want anyone to look at me differently because of it.

so i've been in an odd mood all day. still insanely happy mind you, but yet... theres a little bit of darkness hanging out in the back of my mind now. [which is much better than the usual, but i'd rather go back to just being insanely happy and not having that stupid lingering darkness shit in there]

* -- tess is not my real name, and so thats not what he called me in the dream, even if a lot of my friends DO call me tess.

well f*ck me...

... he wants to hear my fantasies... i want to share them... but i cant SAY them. i just cant. i try... but being specific... my mouth wont work, my throat locks up... damned stupid inhibitions. bleh. if he asked me to act them out... i could do that... but say them? speak the words? no... hell, i can even write them given half the chance and the right backround music... but i cant say them... [god. such a freakin handicap]

he says it doesnt bother him... but i worry. its something thats always kind of haunted every relationship i've ever had; this inability to speak those deep dark sensual sexual words. part of the problem is that i dont like how they sound coming out of my mouth. the other part of the problem is that it feels WRONG for them to come out of my mouth. its hard to explain... its just been beaten into me [erm... kinda literally kinda not... no comment] somewhere along the line [over and over and over again] that i'm not allowed to want. that what i want doesnt matter, despite anything anyone can tell me to the opposite. so i end up feeling that saying what i want would be an imposition, even if someone is begging me to say what i want... then of course there's the fear of rejection, which i've suffered a couple times and learned my lesson. i stopped forcing myself to say what i wanted after the first couple "are you SERIOUS" and "uhhhhhhhh you want WHAT?" responses that i got. oh i know, that makes me sound like a freak, but really really i'm not... [come on... its not MY fault that my previous bedfellows had issues with wearing handcuffs... anyway um yeah...] so saying what i wanted never got me anywhere but hurt. so i stopped trying. and now i cant anymore. its become a physical disability.

the funny part is, i dont have a problem listening... [god no, i LOVE listening.] but i cant return the favor. i cant say what i want. not about that anyway. i mean, i can say i want a peanut butter sandwich. i can say i want new shoes. i can say i want a hug or a kiss, or many of both. but i cant say ... those words... you know... them... the ones that refer to specific places... gah. i cant even write them here, not that you'd want me to... but here's a PG example. i can say "i want kisses" but i cant say "i want kisses on my neck" just cant do it. and forget about anything more um... adult in content. [I can however say "i want kisses" and if someone asks where, i can point to where i want them and say "here"... *sigh* yes i'm weird and fukt up. we've already established that]

is that sad? cuz i think its horribly pathetic. he laughs and says he thinks its cute... but they all say that at first. then they get frustrated. then they get annoyed. then they get angry. i dont want that to happen with him... i couldnt bear it...

and yes, i've tried practicing. do you know how stupid you feel saying that kind of thing to YOURSELF??? yeah, try it some time. its friggin embarassing, even if no one's there to overhear you.

so... any suggestions? someone wanna help me out here? i'm at a loss. and if y'all suggest psychiatric care... imma hunt ya down by your IP addies and hurt ya seriously :P

fun facts about insulin resistance

well, i realized, while trying to explain my precarious medical situation to my army boy last night that i really couldnt explain it worth shit. in fact, i really only knew a little bit. like, i dont metabolize sugar correctly, and as a result of that i have a bunch of OTHER shit wrong with me. so i went googling for info and found this article which actually explains it all in great detail, and better than my doc ever even tried to. lets just say, i dont care much for doctors in general. they always glaze over things as if you know exactly what they're talking about. but because you dont, you never really know if they're telling you the whole story or not. in my case... he left out some important details... maybe he didnt know them himself, maybe he did, i'm not gonna point any fingers, cuz most of the info thats out about my particular issue is rather new. in fact, the drugs out to treat it arent even actually approved to treat it, so insurance wont cover them, so i'm not on them... um... yeah. anyway. where was i?

oh right... fun facts. insulin resistance is rather fukking dangerous. i've got something like an 80% chance of becoming a type 2 diabetic before 50. oh yes. happy happy joy joy. and lucky lucky me, i have type A... *sigh* fun shit. i wish i knew this a year ago. or four. or more than that even. theres other fun stuff about it... but i'll leave those out cuz well, if y'all really wanna know, you'll have gone and read the article.

still, basic treatment is what i'm already doing... cut calories, cut carbs, cut fat, walk more. bleh. so i'm doin what i'm sposed to be doin. yes, every now and again i fuck up and forget to eat right so my blood sugar goes all wacky, but thats usually solved by eating a real meal for once. i should really go see that endocrinologist soon though... maybe he can find something i can take that my insurance WILL cover.

anywho... i'll rant summore on some other stuff later on. i'm in a writing mood today.

anonymous comments

i have taken Stan's advice, and turned off the option for anonymous comments. for those of you who do not have a blogger account, they're free, so get one. you dont have to have a blog to have a blogger account.

but i've gotten kind of tired of getting anonymous comments from people. i like to know who is saying shit to me. especially when they're totally off base.

on another note, i want to remind people that this is a blog. reading this blog does not mean that you know me at all. in fact, reading this blog doesnt even mean that you know 1/100th of me. this is a snippet of my life, and a lot of the times, not even that. i post about me, i post about other things as well. i vent here. i think here. i pour out all the stuff that i cant say outloud, or directly to another person for fear of having a nervous breakdown.

i'm shy. very. i dont talk well. i speak well, but i dont talk well. writing is my main outlet, and i got sick and tired of having to carry a pen and paper around with me everywhere, so blogging seemed a nice alternative for jotting down the random thought or crazed rant.

but really people. dont purport to know or really understand anything about me from reading this blog.

he makes me a better person

i absolutely cannot concentrate on work right now. i just cant. i dont want to either. i want to be home, i want it to be after 9, and i want to be on the phone with my army boy. well really i want him to be right there with me, but that'll be soon enough :) just 7 more days.

*jumps up and down excitedly* did you READ that? only 7 more days! *shrieks with joy* i cant wait. i cant. i need him to be here already. i need to see that smile, to hear that laugh, to have that hug i've been dreaming about for 6 months... i need it with every ounce of me. i keep reminding myself that i've waited this long, i can wait one more week... but god its torture. especially while talking to him on the phone... laying there in an empty bed, talking to him, when he should be right there so i can lay my head on his chest and have him run his fingers through my hair while he makes me giggle and laugh by being the wonderful adorable goofball that he is.

i'm lost in my day dreams. day dreams of hugs and kisses, day dreams of falling asleep together, day dreams of just snuggling up on the couch to watch a movie... well and theres day dreams of other stuff too... *blush* those day dreams are... well...lets just say they make it really hard to work.

i've had night time dreams too... so good that i dont want to wake up in the morning... so sweet and peaceful that i find myself fighting to hold onto them even as my alarm is beeping at me heinously. i havent slept like this ever. i've never slept so beautifully, so amazingly, so deep.

i dont think he has half a clue what he does to me, or half a clue how amazing i think he is... i mean, just last night he was telling me how he wanted to go to italy so he could see the museums, and the fountains, and the architecture... i was awed. this is the same guy who loves football, who cant spell to save his life, who loves all that outdoor adventure stuff -- very much a GUY. and i love that he's that way. but he likes the stuff i like too... and that just floors me. and everytime we talk he tells me something else that just puts me in a state of complete and total awe...

and i know this is gonna sound odd, but i'm odd, so no problem if y'all dont understand... just listening to his voice... just hearing him talk... makes me feel safe. i've never felt safe before. and he puts me at ease... mellows me out... all my little frustrations arent quite so frustrating while i'm talking to him, or for hours afterwards either :)

he makes me a better person.

pervacious prof. -- part 2

alright... i dont know if you all remember my previous post about my pervacious prof but here's the second installment in the story...

first of all, i need to explain some things. i have this prof for 2 classes. one lecture class and one lab class. one is monday night, the other is wednesday night. even though the classes are on the same subject matter, and many of the students in one are in the other, he never [and i mean never] brings materials for one class to the other class.

so. i didnt go to my monday class because i needed to do work for another class [yeah i know, much akin to stealing from peter to pay paul, but i'm acing my monday class, and if i don't get stuff done for my tuesday class, i'm gonna fail the last project. that would be bad.], as such i wasn't there to get back a project i turned in the week before.

the prof brought it to me at the wednesday class.

i'll admit, i was a little shocked by that... special treatment and all... so i just stared at him for a minute before saying thank you. then i looked at my score. a perfect 100. i'm smart and everything, but i never get a perfect 100 on anything. i always make a stupid mistake somewhere and at least lose one or two points. so now i'm speechless again... and he's still standing there in front of me, staring down at my chest.

no, i was not wearing anything revealing. i was wearing an old oversized denim shirt. not form fitting in the least, and no cleavage showing. so that unnerved me a tad, but i hid it well [yeah, i'm really really good at hiding my emotions when i want to].

then he starts talking to me about the thing... cuz i'd mentioned something that apparently made him think i was way cool [my interest in native american arts and culture in this case], and he's telling me about all these events that he goes to, that i should check out... but not in that "you'd really like the event" tone of voice... in that "well if you went i might run into you there" tone of voice... so i'm like um... i dont have time for that... so then hes all praising me for going to school full time, and working full time, and being a mom and stuff... meanwhile i'm getting more and more uncomfortable... thank god some other girl interrupted to ask him about something class related!

needless to say i didnt stay in class long. just enough for him to go over the assignment, then i got the hell out of there.

i'd say something... i really would... except i need the grades... lol.

pick a format darn it!

alright... imma try to go back to being the normal hilariously sarcastic me for a little bit... this floating on cloud 9 thing is totally exhausting, and i'm tellin ya, my face hurts from all this damned smiling and laughing. lol. [yeah i know, poor poor me right? haha]

so right now i'm going to bitch and moan about the whole insense [insence?] industry.

ummmm can we stick to a single style please?? just pick one, and go with it. i dont care what it is, honest i dont. just pick one goddamned shape and make that the industry standard! what is bringing on this little rant of mine? well... i went out to get a new insense [i dont know how to spell the word okay? for once, i honestly do not know how to spell a word. goodness, like i'm a walking dictionary or something :P] holder, cuz well, i cant find my old one... more than likely it was in a box that i tossed out without thoroughly going through, or something... but yeah. so i got one. a pretty one, with a lid, and a little drawer for the insense sticks. it'll work great for the stuff i already have, but all i have left at the moment is vanilla [not that i'm complaining mind you, i love vanilla more than life itself] and i really wanted some jasmine. [i adore jasmine too, just not quite as much as vanilla... jasmine is my third favorite scent. vanilla first, then lavender, THEN jasmine].

so i'm looking through the selection the guy has got... most of it in boxes so you cant tell what it looks like without breaking seals [i think that was on purpose...] and i find cones of it... which i dont have a holder for, nor do i want one. cones just arent as pretty. [what? insense isnt about looking pretty? bullshit. why else do they make the sticks all sorts of different colors? what? to tell the different scents apart? oh... well... oh. *pouts* i thought it was so they looked pretty] besides, cones are just a pain in the ass to light and they just burn funky and i dont like them. so i finally find a box of the stick kind. great. yay. i'm happy. until after i buy the stuff and finally get to open the box. they're not the regular kind... you know, with the thin part that sticks in the holder... nooo not these. they're missing that particular bit... and need a metal holder thats designed for them... which i do not own. bleh. so yeah... can we freakin pick a format people? i mean really. cones, sticks with thin parts to fit wooden holders, or sticks without thin parts that need metal holders. just freakin pick one. [and hopefully not cones cuz i hate cones. with a passion] eh. at least the holder i picked out is pretty :D all carved n stuff. nice.

so... vanilla insense it is... tonite after i've finished frying my brain on business homework and am trying to relax and chase all the numbers outta my head by talking to my army boy :)